Getting ready for christmas

We get ready for christmas twice.

First we decorate our own home.  We put upour advent calendar, fill the baskets with chocolates. Mom buys gifts galore, wrapping goes on under cover.

Then we pack upour life a couple of days before christmas and travel down to the coast on the annual pilgrimage to be with our family.  Its been eleven years since we left the small town where we grew up and we still call it going home.  It involves a very full car and a trailer full of stuff, two kids, lots of snacks, lots of stops, portable DVD players and lots of patience. 

Sometimes i feel a bit sad that my kids dont know christmas in their home.  When i grew up we only ever spent christmas in our home, going off to my gran for lunch, who lived in the same small town.  Now i wonder if my kids will ever knew the sensation of opening their gifts under their own tree.

But i also know that we make such great memories when we go home.  Sun, sea, surf  and christmas spent with cousins and grandparents.  For a family preparing to move to another country every christmas i can give them like this is precious.  I know that we will have many christmas celebrations alone as a family.

And after wrapping approximately 40 gifts today i am kind of glad to go to someone elses house.

Baby is growing fine with no sign of distress.  I just wish that it was not such a long break to my next scan.  I only get to see peanut again in January.  I am in that weird stage of pregnancy where you no longer feel ill or tired but dont feel huge yet.  So sometimes you wonder if you arent just fat and not pregnant!  However, as pregnancy is making my hair fall out constantly (literally.... my brush is full of it on a daily basis!!!), that is some reminder.

Hope all your christmas planning is going well, whether you are foing to be home or away.

Al

Still here.

A short note to say:

• I am still here.
• Technology has failed me terribly in the last few weeks hence my silence.  Everything crashed from my cell phone to my lap top to my internet connection.  Which seemed like a message from the universe to withdraw and rest my soul.
• I have 3 days left at work and am scrambling to finish all the last minute things to do.
• The christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung, the seaside vacation is booked, the mama is starting to buy the gifts (cos Santa is busy this year and asked for my help)!
• This Mama is going to weep tears of joy when this school year is over.  The last few weeks have been a haze of carols evenings, art exhibitions and prize givings.
• And my sweet boy is seven as of the 1st December and sweet boy number two is turning 4 later this month, which all means lots more madness for the mama.
• AND, the biggest news is that there is a new little baby W on the way, due first week of June, making me 14 weeks and already tired of being pregnant.  But very, very, very happy!

 Lots more news to follow!!

Al

Breathing space

We just got back from a wonderful short September break.  This is the second year that we have done this and it really has sustained us emotionally through the rough end of the year months.  We did lots of nothingness.  We braaied daily.  We visited the cows daily.  We went horse riding.  We walked, rode bikes and flew kites.  We sat around a lot.  We made big fires in the fire place every night.  We read books.  We laughed.  We cocooned.  We refocused.

It was wonderful!
Al

Pause

I feel the need to pause.  Stop and refocus.  I really need to ask myself how i am going to make it until December.  This is such a rat race time of the year.  And i feel it this week more then ever.  I am still thrilled by Spring and holiday promises but i am in that space where suddenly the day to day grind of everyday life wears you down.  I am tired.

The older i get i am more aware that life is mostly grind.  You get up and do millions of little things that make life work.  These things in isolation are not fantastic.  They are most ordinary.  But them together and you have something fantastic.  Your life.  So i am not complaining about the big package.  My life is pretty good and certainly the best it has been but that does not mean that all the little pieces dont become too much to carry sometimes.  They do.

I think that women feel this more then ever.  I sometimes fantasy that i am my husband and that i dont ever think about whats for supper or what medication i must give the kids or whether one of the kids needs new shoes.  I mean ever.  I am not saying that my DH is not amazing, good father etc.  But the reality is that his day to day existence is easier.  The path is straighter.  Less complex.  Imagine going away for work and not worrying about a hundred things, working out menus, buying food and then still worrying that your husband wont know the little things, like how Seth likes his blanket tucked in.  Or that he must kiss Gabby goodnight twice.  Once before I put Seth down and again before i leave the room.  You cant put that on a to do list.

So this morning i set my alarm with good intention.  I was going to get up at 4:30am and go to gym.  But then i had Seth in my bed at 11pm with a stuffy nose and Gabby joined me at 2:30am because his "tummy hurt".  And so when the alarm went off.  I turned it off and went back to sleep.  I felt guilty this morning but then decided that there was always something that i could feel guilty about.  So it was no use adding this to the mix.

I guess, what i am trying to say is that i am realising that part of my exhaustion is realising that right now i am running on empty and that i need to focus on me for a while.  Of course this focusing will happen in the context of all the non avoidable, largely mothering chores that dont ever leave you.

Al

Kalahari delivery

My books are on their way!  Our Amazon is called Kalahari.  And i love, love, love them.  So my joy was great when i got an email saying that my books have been dispatched and should be waiting for me when i get home.

These are my beauties:

I cant wait to get home and indulge.  And yes i added about ten items to my wish list yesterday just browsing.  Time to hide the credit card from myself.

Al

Sorry i am not sorry.

Firstly let me say that the title is not mine. I borrowed it from a blog that i stumble upon.  It was a weigh loss blog and now i cant find it to credit it.  So if the author ever stumbles onto this post.  My apologies.

The post focused on the things that the blogger was not sorry about.  It really made me think.  What are you not sorry about?  What are the things that you do and will continue to do even if it pisses everyone else off?

Well, here are some of the things that Sorry, i am not sorry for:

Sorry, I am not sorry that i am an anal mother.  I know i hover.  I know i overdo it sometimes.  I like my kids to sleep in their own beds in their house.  I struggle to trust baby sitters.  I tell them i love them a zillion times a day.  I struggle being apart from them.  I stress about the long term impact of things that happen to them.  I try a bit hard.  I am psychotically, claw your eyes protective.  And damn it, sorry but i am not sorry about it.  Those are my kids.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont want to hang out with people i dont really like.  When i was younger i had lots of friends.  Or more specifically i had lots of people i knew.  And i hung out with them excessively swinging from one social event to another.  Visits and meals and movies and.  And now i dont want to any more.  I like my own company.  I like silence.  Alot.  I dont want to waste my time on people who frankly i dont care about or like.  I like my kids and my husband and my some of my family.  And if i make an effort to hang out with you please know its because i really like you.  Otherwise i just would not bother.  Really i would not.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont care that i can come across super nerdy and old maidy when i do my crafts and read my thousands of books.  Thing is this is not high school anymore, i am never going to wear a mini skirt, and party like its 1989.  No.  Never.  I am never going to look like a supermodel and i feel okay with that.  I want to do things that make me happy. And some of those things may appear old fashioned or boring.  And thats fine.  I dont want to go to a night club.  But i like my chair and a movie.  Throw in my cross stitch and a cappucino and i am happier then a pig in mud.  So if you come to my house and see me in my comfy unsexy pjs - sorry i am not sorry.

Sorry i am not sorry that i want to do things that are right for me.  For me and my family.  I want to live in another country and thats it.  I am an atheist and thats it.  I dont want to explain why i want to do these things.  I just want to and i believe it all goes black when i die so why not?  I am not going to change my views or my plans to may you happy. 

So thats it.  That feels so good i might do it again some time.  But right now, Sorry i do have to get back to work.

So tell me what are you not sorry for?

Al

Weekend madness

What a weekend.  It was great and it was exhausting.  First off we went to my sister - in - law to be's kitchen tea.  Her bridesmaids did a great job, with the theme of "Desperate housewife". 

Here is a photo of the future Mr and Mrs.  My brother is covered in paint which is supposed to be mud.  He was the supposed to be the sexy gardener at the party.  We all had a good laugh.

After that we raced off to a friend's marriage celebration.  They got married a week ago in the Eastern Cape but then came up to Johannesburg to celebrate with family and friends here.  They hosted a lovely dinner although my kids were taking strain after the full day.  They were distracted by the great dane though which helped.  Two days later Seth is still talking about the "huge" dog.

And finally although Sunday was restful it was also tiring.  The kids swam for the first time.  We braaied outside and i dragged myself to gym. 

Now for a new week and a recommitment to my weigh less.  My weigh in is on Wednesday and although i was pretty good with all the functions, lots of little treats snuck in.....

Here is a skinnier week....

Al

Spring day assembly

It all started with this bunch of flowers that we quickly collected from our garden.  Thankful for the early spring blooms.

Then we found mom's old beach hat and stapled and pinned all the flowers on.  We added the SPRING lettering on after thanks to Mom's huge scrapbooking stash.  Gabby and I agreed that it looked pretty nifty!

And finally the hat was placed upon his head and the whole family declared that he looked great.  Despite my flu, i stopped into the spring assembly.  The grade ones were allowed to wear their spring hats and walk up onto the stage individually.  Gabby looked so at ease and did a wonderful turn on stage.  The school played the "Teddy bear's picnic" song and we all clapped in time.  The school hall looked wonderful, all decorated in flowers and butterflies.

Then i had to leave while he took his picnic blanket and lunch box for a picnic on the grounds.  Lucky boy!

And tonight we are all off to the Spring Disco!  I love this season.  This flu is not even getting me down!

Al

And slowly we come alive.....

Spring is here in the true sense of the word. If you doubt us, let Seth show you the new flowers on our Yesterday, today and Tomorrow.  (It probably has a fancier name but that is what we call it.)  He is also happy to show you one of our beautiful Jasmine bushes that are flowing dramatically over our front wall.

Our vegetable garden is also looking wonderful.  We have lettuce, Cabbage, Broccoli, Cauliflower and Spinach in the garden.  These are left over from Winter and we have just added loads of Basil plants, Strawberries, Tomatoes and parsley plants.  Just to remind us that these flavours lie in our future.

Although we have been struck by the flu, the sun is helping us cope.  We all feel more alive.

Some other news of what is happening in our lives:

• Gabriel has his Spring day event at school tomorrow.  We need to make his Spring hat tonight.  They will wear them into assembly at school and have a spring picnic afterwards.
• Seth is eagerly preparing for his school play next saturday.  He is a plane.  More then that i dont know.  It is under wraps.
• I have a kitchen tea this weekend and had much fun putting together a fun baking pack for my sister in law.  A baking book, silicone pans, a cooling rack, measuring spoons and jug, spatula, apron and tea towel.
• I am seeing an old friend on Saturday night who got married a week ago far away. She is stopping over for a few days and we will be seeing her and hubby for a meal.  She is also expecting and i have completed a crochet blanket for her.  I will force myself to take photos before it leaves my hands.

So despite the germs, we are well.  Very well!
Al

Winters dying gasps

This morning i woke up in a really good mood.  I think that this was due to two things:

1. Seth has slept the whole night in his bed and i had no nocturnal visitors.
2. I could hear the birds outside and the room was light even though it was 5:30am.

Bliss.  BLISS.  Perhaps it is cruel to be so ecstatic around the ending of a session but i am so glad to see winter go.  We celebrate the arrival of Spring on the 1st September, which i  know is not technically the arrival of spring.  But it is easier for me to just divide the year into four three month periods.

I feel so much more alive.  More motivated to eat better, live better.  Life is easier to celebrate in the summer sun.  My garden is a show of new green leaves and dark red buds.  The oak trees are covered in the newest, greenest of leaves.  I am gardening, painting, cleaning, throwing away.

Exhale!

School day blues...

On a summer day in 1994 i officially finished my school days.  Sure i went on to study further but my days of real school were over.  I was all of 17 and breathed a sighof relief.  Life went on merrily (love, marriage, kids) until my oldest son, started school in 2010.  I was excited.  Yay!  School days had become sepia coloured moments of joy, crystallised in my memory to a school annual addition of friends, concerts, favourite teachers etc.

I get all weepy as i kit my beloved out in his new green uniform.  He looks a treat.  I am even more nostaligic.  This is wonderful.  I cover books.  I pack lunch with little notes in.  This is fun.  I am going to be all that my mother was not.  Involved, active, encouraging.  I sign up for things frantically.  I join the PTA.  I meet my son's teacher.  Her name is Mrs Fischer.  She seems nice.  She is friendly and fun.  After two weeks she accosts me at the PTA tea table and tells me that my wonderful bright son, who was always a star, cannot cope, has ADHD and needs medication.  I almost drop my tea cup. I almost throw my tea cup at her.

I go into frantic mom mode.  I drive to the educational book shop and purchase a huge amount of material.  I practically home school the kid after hours.  He gets everything (except my anxiety thankfully).  He seem so be fine with the work.  Okay I pay a huge amount to have him assessed by the occupational therapist.  She says that he is 100%.  No problems.  Actually scores higher then average on most things.  ABSOLUTELY does not require any medication.  I approach Mrs Fischer with all my work.  She looks at me as if she does not know what i am talking about.  She has moved onto another kid she does not like and now likes my son.  She says sweetly that he is doing so well in class and concentrates well.  I want to kick her.  I smile sweetly.

I realise that she is as crazy as hell.  I collect his first report and she accosts me to tell me about her life which is falling apart.  She is divorcing her husband.  They have not had sex in four years.  He screams at her son.  She tells me all of this casually just because it says social worker as maternal occupation on Gabby's file.  She says that she thinks that she has been bewitched.  I smile and wave.  I realise that she is a bit unstable and needs a lot of ass kissing.  I am super friendly, agree to be the class mom. I donate copious amounts of food to the school feeding scheme that she is responible for.  Forget integrity.  It is officially time to schmooze and manipulate.  Through it all my son likes her.  I question him regularly, subtly.  He likes his teacher he says.

The school concert comes up.  She only selects four children from her class to take part.  Other grade one teachers let their whole classes take part.  Gabby is not one of the four.  He cries when he gets home.  I am so angry that she could not just let them all march on and sing "Twinkle, twinkle little star."  I decide not to volunteer to help at the concert.  I boycott.

The third term is nearly over and i cannot wait for December.  I really want this school year to end.  If Seth should go to this school, i will make sure that he does not land up in her class.  I dont think that my son will ever know how much maneouvring i had to do to keep the wheels turning this year.  A couple of other moms grabbed me at the school run the other morning and had a ventilation about her.  They felt that we should complain.  They all had their stories.  Their kids upset in class.  They had fought with her on many issues.  Things that were said to their kids.  I felt relieved that Gabby was spared most of this.  He actually does seem to be liked by her.  But she is still weird, freaky, crazy.

I am 13 weeks of school and counting....

Al

Celebrating G

There is a little boy who lives in my house called Gabriel.  I am his mom but after almost seven years i still struggle to get my head around the idea that i could have had anything to do with the making of someone so wonderful.  He is growing up everyday and i am so proud, heartsore, happy.  Today i am celebrating him just because he is himself.  Because isnt that the truest of gifts to celebrate someone not because of their doing but because of their true spirits.  The idea that you are enough just because you are you.  And you Gabriel, are enough, so very enough just because you are you.

Right now i am celebrating the fact that:

• I can finally spend time reading with you.  You love the goosebumps range and we lay under the covers and read a whole book yesterday.
• That you sit behind me on the couch and softly play with my hair, while telling me: "I am just taking the knots out mom.."
• That you are wise beyond your years and although sometimes you can boss your younger brother around, it always comes from a place of love and concern.
• That you tell me how you are going to live next door to me when you are married and visit me every day.  I dont quite believe you but i love the fact that you say it non the less!
• That you are growing into a little boy, going to school, making friends, learning to read, being wonderful.

Who knew all those years ago what a wonderful gift i was getting?  You are the magic wind in the sails of my life.....

Al

Limbo

I am in a weird space.  In limboland so to speak.  Its a weird stage of the year.  I can feel spring on a cellular level.  I can smell it in the air, i hear the birds in the morning and can feel myself waking up.  But it is still winter here and the nights are still chilly.  I cant pack away my jerseys or hang up my thick winter gown.  I cant really get into the taste of salads. 

The second half of the year is always a wonderfully busy time of the year for us:  Hallowen, Gabriel and Seth's birthday and then christmas.  We also always go away and have a wonderful summer beach holiday.  So from October life is crazy in a wonderful crazy way.  Right now the slog is still tangiable.  Nothing immediate to look forward to.  Everything is about work and getting through the daily steps of life.

Added to all this is my growing concern about Jason's father.  He has been very ill and has been in and out of ICU for the past month.  He has diabetes and it cannot seem to be controlled.  We all thought that he was getting better and then he was admitted to hospital again this weekend, this time with very low blood pressure and cardiac pain.  Jason and Gabriel will be flying down to spend the weekend with them but it is concerning.  Having experienced so much death in my life i dont want my husband to feel this pain and how to deal with this in terms of my children.  Especially Gabby who is older and aware of what is happening.  This will be his first experience of grief and pain.  I am aware that the death of a family member leaves ripples in a family that are never erased.  Future memories are lost forever.

So this is a sigh sort of time.  A getting by sort of time.  A thinking and planning for future fun sort of time.  I need to cope with the next three months and focus on the positives at the end of the tunnel.  Especially my months leave and the festive season.

Wishing you a wonderful week ahead.
Al

Busy bees

We have been busy, crazy busy.  It has been a month that has simply taken my breath away and i often feel like Seth here!  I just want to throw my hands up and ask:  "What just happened.... and happened.... and happened?"

Spring is in the air and we are counting down to the 1st September.  The weekends have been wonderful as we have been able to spend them outside with me delegating cooking to hubby on the fire.  But Spring also has its downside (Yes, I KNOW, i have been bitching about winter forever but hear me out!).  I love Spring wholeheartedly but it also requires me to deal with my crazy must clean up my life urge.  There is a real energy in the air and i suddenly feel the need to spring clean the clutter hiding holes in my house and deal with my ever increasing bum size.  In a few weeks those long jackets and skirts are just not going to cut it in terms of hiding the flab..  So i have joined weighless and reinvigorated my gyming.

Part of my madness was my "I am really supermom" madness that overtook me this month.  It was Gabriel's school fete and his class got stuck with manning the food stall which involved Moi cooking 10kgs of mince curry and setting up stalls and serving said cooked food.  I dont ever want to see mince curry again.  But the kids had a great time and the school raised thousands of rands and at least i hope i scored some brownie points with his teacher.  Why does it feel like you are back in grade one again trying to impress the teacher.  All the time praying:  Please dont dislike my child!

And how could you dislike this face?  Says the biased mother:

The boys are busy growing which is quite disconcerting.  This is a deceitfully placid photo.  I am sure they were clobbering each other seconds after this was taken....

 Jason's dad has not been well.  He was in ICU for a week and is now back at home.  So Jason and Gabriel are flying to East London to see him next week.  I am looking forward to a weekend alone with Seth but feel anxious about Gabby even though he will be with his dad and his grandmother.  I gave him the choice about going and he wanted to go although he told me very seriously:  "I dont know if i will cope without you."  Me too, baby, boy!

Finally to add to the madness i have builders at my house who are busy tiling and painting up.  Thankfully they are almost done as the mess is unbelievable. Yes, it is part of my crazy spring cleaning madness.

Be wonderful...

Al

No rumour!

It is getting warmer!  Much warmer!  I live in hope and dream of summer.  Only as i get to the end of the season do i realise that i really dislike winter. So much!

This is really a short post but some snippets:

• I am finally having the odd things that have bothered me forever about my house fixed, the bathroom painted, the entrance hall tiled and my new dishwasher fitted.  I am in love!
• I am off to a two day strategic planning session and hope to catch up on my cross stitch.   It is really not proper that i feel such bliss at the prospect of a night away from my kids! :)
• We are in the swing of planning our september break.  We are looking at going away for a long weekend to Clarens, a small arty mountain town.  I have been looking at some wonderful accomodation and at some of the hikes and nature reserves that they have near by.  I really feel the need for a get away.
• I volunteered to do a whole bunch of stuff for my son's school so besides the usual madness i am planning a food stall at their annual fete.  This involves co-ordinating 100 parents which is easier said then done.

Best wishes to you all!
Al

Can you feel it?

I get a bit crazy this time of the year.  I have had enough of winter and start to long for summer.  This results in some semi psychotic behaviour where i start to look for the end of winter everywhere.  Is it getting warmer?  Are there more birds in the garden?  Now mostly this is just crazy wishful thinking and it is still really cold.

BUT, this weekend was not so!  It was warmer, much warmer.  I am not fooling myself that winter is really over, more likely a warm spell.  I think that we will have another cracker of a cold spell before it is over....Despite this we made the best of it.  Yesterday we had a braai and ate outside.  The sun was shining and the kids were inspired to play outside on the grass.  Oh, is it possible to miss summer with every ounce of your being?  I could smell the hope in the air.  I cant wait for green gardens and warm evenings, my kids in the pool every single day.  Salads for supper, rolls and cold meats being perfectly acceptable hot summer night fare.  Watermelons.  Sleeping with not a blanket on you and the window open so that you can feel the breeze.  Sigh!

Glad to announce that Seth has recovered from his illness and is doing much better.   Now if i could stop the sibling rivalrly......  Anyone have a recipe?  They love each other but boy can they fight!  The teasing is a bit much sometimes.  They are going to drive me to sugar which is really not on the menu right now as i try to gear myself up towards some pre spring weight loss.  I have got pounds to shift, girls.  Glad to say not much more then when winter started but still there none the less.....

I am sorry that the promise of our spring means the arrival of autumn for some of my far away visitors but none the less......  I  cant wait.....

Al

Viva South Africa soccer world cup 2010

For the last couple of weeks, South Africa and the world have been struck down with soccer fever.  Here is South Africa we have been overwhelmed by it all.  We have been hearing about the world cup for years, since it was awarded to us and have been exposed to numerous countdowns.  At the same time people, both in South Africa and internationally expressed concerns about SA's ability to host the event.  Today is the last match, a glorious final between Spain and Holland and we have thankfully proved them wrong.

Just take a look a the beautiful spaces - our stadiums - that we offered to the world!  Crime was minimalised and visitors were able to come to South Africa and really enjoy african hospitality.  For us, having the world here has been amazing.  Last night hubby and i went out and found ourselves surrounded by foreigners.  A table of Spainish people were sitting next to us and it was amazing.

I had never watched a full soccer match before the world cup and may never again but i loved the world cup experience.  I felt a huge connection with all South Africans as we welcomed the world and mourned the exit of our national team.  I know that this country has so many challenges but it was great just to put them on the back burner and have some fun for a while....  I loved the vuvuzela's - our south african soccer horn that drove the guests crazy but that they are taking home with them by the dozens.  We really had an african world cup.  Wonderful!

Despite all of that, i am glad that the world cup is coming to an end.  We loved it all but it exhausted us all and I think its time to end it and memorialise it in memory.  After all, we will always be able to say - we were there!  Now lets hold thumbs for our olympic bid 2020!

And of course, we need to end it all with a great Spainish win!  Ole, ole, ole, ole!  Viva Espana!

Al

Misty eyed

Once upon there was a first time mom.  She has just had her first son and thought that the sun rose in his eyes.  These are her first photos of him.  He is not even 24 hours old yet.

His dad thought he was pretty amazing too....

We could not stop looking at him, counting his toes, listening to him breath.  We could not believe that this little being was ours....

He was so beautiful.

Now he is turning 7 and we still think that he is just gorgeous.  I am such a lucky, lucky lady.

Al

The hands of time

When Jason and I were younger (early twenties) and students, and even to some degree when we were first married, we were rather poor.  Broke was our natural state of affairs.  But there was one area that we always scored big on - time.  Even when we had no money, we had lots of time.

As we have got older, more established the situation has reversed itself.  We are no longer broke all the time.  We have good jobs.  We save money.  Blah-blah.  And we have no time.  For the first time in our lives we have money to have a couple of holiday breaks a year and have no leave to take them.  What a turn of events.

On a day to day, minute to minute level, my life is governed by the clock.  I wake up at 6am.  Rush to the shower, get dressed (must be done by 6:20), wake kids, feed kids, feed myself, pack bags, dress kids and get out of the door by 7:15.  I race through traffic and get to work for my usual crazy work day.  Normally my day is consumed by meetings as a senior manager, some of which involve driving to one of my regional offices.  I watch the clock, racing from one to the next.  In between i am working frantically behind my laptop.  Checking email, allocating work, delegating tasks, checking on delegated tasks not done.  I hate my cell phone and the time that it takes away from me.  There is always the voice waiting to tell me that i have "10 new voice messages!"  AARGGHHH!

Then at 4 i race off again to start my second job.  Racing home wondering what is for supper.  Buying said supper.  Picking up kids.  Making supper, feeding kids, bathing kids.  Of course i need to put in my quality time with hubby and kids.  So invariably it is 8pm when i am actually able to STOP and breathe.  And then i sit and think about all the things i was supposed to do.  What a crazy life.

So time is my most valuable possession at this point.  I cant make more of it.  I guard it jealously.  I dont like to share it with people that are not important to me.  What i have i want to spend with my husband, my children, my friends and family that count.  I meet people and think that they may be interesting to start a new friendship with but instantly think "I dont even spend enough time with the friends that i already have and that mean so very much to me!"

It is not all as hopeless as it sounds.  Sure i wish that i was able to make more time but i cant.  I am now so aware of what i can use each second for. I am simplifying my life.  I dont get caught up in little dramas.  I let things go because my energy is limited and i cant waste it on others.

I still find time for myself in terms of going to gym and doing my crafts.  I am often amused when people say:  "How do you still find time to craft?".  I find time because being creative keeps me sane.  You have to get off the wheel sometimes.

And finally i am learning that it is okay, healthy to have some space away from your children.  I love 8pm when my children go to sleep and guard that rule diligently.  I do think the routine does them good, but it also does me good.  I need to know that there is a light at the end of a busy day and that soon they will be sleeping and i can relax.   It pushes me to spend quality time with them from 6 to 8pm because i know that at 8pm they will be down and i can have my space.

But despite all of this, there are many days when i wish that i could make just a little bit more time.  Or go back to my pre-motherhood 20 year old self and tell her to take more sunday afternoon naps and enjoy being alone.

Al

Winter blues

I have been trying so hard to be positive this winter.
I am not winning.
The cold sucks.
I hate waking up and getting out of bed in the morning.
I hate waking the kids up in the morning.
I would only like winter if i were in bed.
Permanently.
Aint going to happen girl!
:(
I need summer.
I really need summer.
I am currently wearing more items of clothing then i can count on my fingers.
Which is not normal.
Really.
I dream of sunshine.
And green grass.
I even dream of getting up to go to gym before work in the morning.
Which is just sad really.
I only have two months left of this.
Which is a really long time, no matter how you look at it.
So if you are lucky enough to have any sunshine.
Please enjoy it for me.
In the meantime i will go and console myself by having more hot Milo.
Which is just making me fat.
Make that fatter.

Al

Busy happy times

I am tired but in a happy content way.  I have literally been on the go since last thursday night.  The soccer world cup is on in South Africa and my sister in law kindly got us tickets to go and watch a live match - Chile versus Spain.  I am not normally a soccer fan but really got into the atmosphere.  I even blew my vuvuzela frantically - a african horn that is used by soccer fans to show their support.  I was left with sore lips the next day!
These two cuties are my niece and nephew.  My brother and his family spent a couple of days with us.  What a treat as they live 1000km away and we only see them once a year.  It was amazing to be with both my siblings and to spend time with Nathans kids.  Funny how you are all kids and then next thing you are grown ups with kids!

I wish so much that my sons lived closer to their cousins.  They instantly clicked and had such a ball together.  They are close together in age and just bonded. My house showed the instant chaotic impact of having four kids together but who cares?  They had such fun.  I cant wait to see them again at christmas.  This is poor Erin with my son.  It sucks being the only girl around!

Dont you love this laugh?  Could you not just eat this child?  I could!  With honey on toast!  I love this kid beyond reason! 

 And be still my heart!  I am petrified at how quickly Gabriel is growing.  He is my heart's delight and i just want him to be mine forever.  At the same time i am loving experiencing his growth and his journey of discovery.  What a great level headed kid.

So i had a crazy time.  But a great time.  You know what i mean?

Now, the challenge is to scrap it all!  What a chore! (wink, wink!!)

Al

Happy fathers day, Jason!

This is such a short, not doing justice, note to the sweet papa in my life.

Yesterday was fathers day and we really had an amazing dad to celebrate.  One of my greatest blessings is my husband and more so in his role as father.  Man, i love this man!  And i love him most when i see him as a father to my sons.  He loves being their dad and it shows.  They love him and it shows.  Moms and kids have their own sweet bonds but fathers and sons, they have something special.  When my boys look at my husband, there are many times when i can actually hear what they are thinking: "Wow, thats my dad, i want to be just like him, Wow!"  Can you hear that wow!

On the journey as parents there has not been anything that Jason has not been willing to do.  Sure i do most things more then him but that just comes with the territory and i am kind of okay with that.  He has changed nappies, made bottles, done night feeds, bathed kids, put kids to sleep, rocked and burped babies, played games, done every school concert and more.  He is quietly there.  Allowing me to bustle along, letting me know that he thinks i am great as a mom when i feel totally inadequate.  He is patient when i am losing it.  Firm when i am too soft.  He wrestles with them, teaches them karate and tells them to stand up for themselves.  But he also hugs and kisses them and tells them that he loves them everyday, just so that they know that real men feel and cry.  He is protective, nurturing and kind.

Happy fathers day Jason, our boys could never have asked for a better father!  You are so so loved and if you ever feel that you are not good enough just take a moment to look at those blue eyes peering up at you in adoration!  You are making out more then okay!

Love
Al

Looking back

Part of the joy that i get out of scrapbooking is that it allows me to reflect back on those that have come before me.  This becomes more and more important to me, especially as both my parents are deceased. I feel more of a responsibility to capture my roots for my children, knowing that they will never have the opportunity to hear about their roots from their grandparents.

When my mother died i inherited a large number of photos from her.  I never thought of my mom as sentimental, but looking at all the pictures she collected i realised that she was.  She keep hundreds of photos (although they were crammed into a dresser drawer in the dining room!)  I have started the long ardous process of working through them. Most of them are old, small and damaged and i have been sorting them to have them scanned in and printed.  These are my first round:

I love these photos of my parents.  They are in their early 20's here and not even married. My dad is on his way to the army for his basic service.

This is my father at my grandmother's house.  Am I the only one who loves to look at the background of old photos and see what i can see?  I love these old shots of my gran's kitchen!

And finally these are from a big family christmas party that was held at my grandparents house.  This must have been in the 60's.  I feel sad when i see the huge family that are gathered there. Most are deceased or have gone their seperate ways as families sometimes do.

I cant wait to scrap them...... I will share as soon as i am done!

snippets

I am alive.   I am sure it might have felt like i have dropped off the earth but i am here.  Just crazy busy living life.  And just in case you dont believe me i am attaching some photographic evidence of all this life that has been happening in the W household!

So please find the autumn fun at the botanical gardens


The soccer star getting ready for the world cup...

The new bikes.


And just the general mucking around!



Sorry to be so scarce but busy life is made for living and that is what i seem to be doing more and more of!

Belated mother's day wishes

Happy belated mother's day to all and sundry. I could not wish anyone online yesterday as in a moment of sheer non brilliance i forgot my power cable for my laptop at the office.

This photo is of my own mother, taken long before she became a mother.  She died in 2000 when i was 23 years old.  My biggest regret is that i did not have the opportunity to know her as mother,when i was a mother, if that makes sense.  I think that it took becoming a mother myself to truely understand how she felt about us as children.  I also became aware that despite her failings she was a wonderful mother on some level.  She certainly loved us unconditionally and despite her substance abuse problem we always had an enourmous sense of that love.  Now, ten years later my siblings and i are confident, relatively successful, largely happy people and she had a large part to play in that.  She was widowed in 1989 when we were only 12, 10 and 6 years old.  And the point is that she got us to adulthood, in tact.  I know now the sense of responsibility that she must have felt faced with that task.  I look at the overwhelming task of raising my sons and know her fear, her anxiety.

The thing is it has taken me ten years of healing to know that there is more of my mother in me then i first chose to acknowledge.  And i am happy with that discovery.  I think that although she was never able to see me as a mother or meet my children as a grandmother she came me the values, the basis that makes me into the parent i am today.  I have finally got the point where i can acknowldege that she failed on a lot of the small things but succeeded on most of the big things.  She had our back.  She defended us.  We knew we were loved.  She protected us.  That stuff counts.

So mom:  I wish you a happy mothers day.  I thank you in only the way that another mother could.  I now understand the soul sweat, the heart blood, the life energy that a mother gives to their children.

I had a wonderful weekend and mothers day.  My hubby gifted me a beautiful antique pewter brooch and my sons gave me flowers and bath goodies.  I was most touched by Gabriel using his money to buy me something small from the school.  I really have good, good kids.  We spent the day at the Johannesburg botanical gardens and had a wonderful picnic, played soccer, ate ice cream and watched the ducks.  Soul food indeed.

I also ended this weekend with the great sense of completion when you get things done:

• I managed to finish my cross stitch item.  It looks so fantastic!  It is worth all the pain and i cannot wait to frame and hang it.
• I put in my winter veggie garden - cabbage, lettuce, cauliflower, broccoli, green peppers, chillies, spinach and swiss chard.  Seth loved it!
• I baked delicious banana bread with the kids on saturday.  Gabby was lucky that he got the last piece for lunch this morning!
• I cleaned out some irritating clutter spots and was mortified at just how many books my kids actually have when they are all in space!

Wishing you a wonderful week...
Al