bright moments in the midst of mundane madness

As a mother of two small children i find that most of my life is just about satisfying mundane madness.  I wake early and crash late and fill the hours in between with hundreds of little tasks that are all necessary for life in the W family to run smoothly.  Small children require constant care, then i work a full day (while constantly mentally tracking my kids day:  Oh!  Its 10am so Seth will be having snack right now at creche and Gabby will be on 1st break....)  On the whole i love it.  Domestic life is largely bliss for me, i need to admit.  Of course that does not mean that it does not drive me crazy sometimes.  Especially domestic work!

But this year, as a result of my conscious refocus to put my family first i have found myself seeking what i call my bright moments in this mundane life.  When you have small children you have to be on the look out for your bright moments, because just like kids they are fast and fleeting.  But when you spot them, grasp them and really savour them they can be mind blowing.  In the last couple of days life has given me a couple of them and i have made sure to grasp them...

• I love my kids right now.  Okay, maybe that is not the right term as i always love my kids even when they have devil horns firmly on their heads.  I am ENJOYING  my boys right now.  They are cute and fun and loving and fun.  I am proud of them and think that they are shaping up to be pretty cool people.  People that i would want to hang out with.  I like it when we have quiet special moments.  Last night Seth fell asleep early and i was reading to Gabby on my bed.  Suddenly he turned to me and asked:  "Would you swop me for any other kid?"  I replied: "No, not even if he was made of Gold!".  Which pleased him no end.  He threw his arms around me in total joy and said:  "Thats cool!".  I love this kid!  I love Seth perched on a stool staring at the toaster so that he can watch the toast pop up while shouting "Pop!Pop!".  I love his spiderman obsession and the long conversations that he has with his toys.
• I love my hubby right now.  We are revived by the reconfirmed commitment to go to Australia together.  I love that we still have a spark and that we are such good friends.  I really count my marriage as one of my greatest life gifts.  This man fills my soul!
• Yesterday i heard that my best friend may also be coming to Australia.  She is like a sister to me and i cant tell you how amazing news this is.  They had applied to go to Canada but where declined and have now decided that Australia is the way to go.  We have been friends for 16 years and we always said that we would outlive our husbands and keep each other company in our old age.  This makes the whole process more bearable for me.  Our children call each other cousins and they really are like family to me.
• I am feeling so good about work right now.  I am back where i fit and the work is exciting for me again after my 8 months absence.  I really am a social worker by heart and nature and even though i enjoy management that is really where my passion lies. I would much rather be in operations then in the boardroom.
• And finally, this weekend i have a wonderful date planned with my gorgeous hubby for his birthday.  We have dinner and the theater followed by drinks.  I am looking forward to having some quality time with him.  Thanks to my great cousin for baby sitting.

So at the risk of sound smug and painful, life is really good right now.  Mind over matter.... If you dont mind, it doesnt matter!

Al

Moving on up...

Well, what a couple of days.

18 months ago we decided as a family to relocate to Australia.  For a number of reasons but chiefly that we wanted an adventure, wanted our children to have a more sophisticated childhood and wanted them to have a more global experience of life.  We also believed that this move would offer us a better quality of life in the long run.  We went at it all guns and did a lot of work.  We paid an agent R15 000.  We collected all the documents (which let me tell you with South African Department of Home Affairs is no little feat!!).  We did our international english tests.  We got Jason's qualifications assessed.  In December his assessment came back positive.  The Australian government would in essence take him and we then needed to lodge our forms.

However a little strange thing happened to me about the same time.  I started having some serious doubts about the move.  Not because i dont believe in the reasons why we are doing this or think that we shouldnt but just because i am a terrible, terrible creature of habit.  I am a real home body and struggle with change.  Also our life here is very, very good and what if our gamble does not pay off.  When i raised this with hubby it caused some conflict between us.  He is a true free spirit and is relishing the adventure.  He is already planning his surfing and camping trips with the boys.  I am sure he can already see himself sea canoeing on the pacific!  So i found myself a week ago having an arguement with him about it.  It started off civilly with him giving his views, i giving mine and got progressively more heated.  Until he, in frustration stopped and said to me:  "Do you not understand... You are the only person that i need with me.  If i have you and the kids with me, i will be fine anywhere.  We can make this wonderful!".  And i knew in that moment that he was right and just stopped fighting.

The thing is that i want an adventure.  I am turning 33 and dont know if i can say this is okay for the rest of my life.  I know that we can start over.  I know that on a work level.  I know that we will leave with a good financial nest egg.  I know that i can find a new house, car,ship over my special things and make a home there.  So i said:  "Okay, submit the forms.'.  So they go in next week and then we wait.  We may have the visa in 6 months.  But we dont plan to move immediately.  (More on that later....).

I love my family and am so sentimental but i also know that my marriage is very powerful.  I have followed my husband to another town before and it worked out fabulously for me.  We have always made a good team, hard working, unshakeably loyal, kick ass.  We have a special connection that keeps us ticking along amazingly in a quiet way and he is the only person in the whole world that i would do this with.

So watch this space.  The forms are going in and then.....

Right now i am going to concentrate on dreaming of the Pacific waves outside my door and golden Australian beaches.... which is a grea thought on this horrid grey Johannesburg day...

Al

Cruising along

Today is a fine day.  Well as fine as mondays get.  I have no crisis, no new chaos beyond the usual chaos of my life. And that is largely good chaos.  I am struck by the fact that this is a good year in the making.  And a lot of that has to do with my new view towards life.  This year i am not taxing myself, i am going to make time to focus on what is important and make no excuses for doing what makes me happy.

We had a good restful weekend after a busy week of school activities.  I was able to finish my scrapbook album of our summer holiday.  I have managed to complete full albums for the last four holidays we took as a family and i love that I have managed to capture the essence and fun of these family experiences.  I was able to sort and declutter a bit more and also spent some quality time with the boys.  This included baking some banana bread yesterday (my gran's recipe and my boys favourite) so i felt like super mom this morning when i could put banana bread into the lunch box!  Of course the thought of having a huge chunk with my coffee this afternoon also helps the mood!

Otherwise today i got the good news that my mother in law will come up to spend a weekend with us in February so i am pleased that the boys will get to see their gran.  We live far away and it is always great when we can squeeze in a visit.

I am still stuck by the horror of Haiti and as i read of yet another man miraciously pulled from the rubble i cannot comprehend the horror of it all.  My thoughts, my heart is with those who lost their children.  As parents that remains our greatest fear.

But happy thoughts!  Here in my little corner of Africa it is summer and happy days are still with us.  The W's are just fine and no drama looms! Hurray!

No! Listen to me and stop teasing your brother!!!

I love being a mom!  It is my favourite role and my sons are without a doubt my absolute favourite things.  BUT, they can drive me crazy.  And i am not talking having a bad hour mad, i am talking cross eyed, screaming banshee crazy!  I have had one of those days!  Maybe its because it is gray and rainy and they have not had their outside time but my two boys are driving me cuckoo.  Of course, i try not to lose it and scream at them.  So i do a lot of muttering under my breath in teh kitchen while washing (banging!) dishes or throwing (read packing away) groceries.  Which is where my beloved hubby found me this morning.  He had gone to gym and when he left all was calm in the house.  I decided to make a good healthy cooked breakfast.  AND to show how good i was i was going to involve both kids in this lovely memory making moment!  Do you see the problem.  So it took me 20 minutes to fry two eggs, slap them onto toast and pour tomato sauce on them.  By this time my kids had poked each other, fought over the eggs, one had slammed his fingers in the fridge door and the little one was having a melt down because he could not fry the eggs (read boiling oil in a hot pan - not a good idea with a three year old)

I still kept my cool.  After they ate, it was time to get dressed.  They fought in the passage.  They both cried beccause they could not get into the shower with me. (I was not going to indulge them.  At this point i needed the out time).  I had to open the shower curtain and yell because they were fighting in the play room.  By the time i got out, i was losing it.  I walking in to find them fighting AGAIN!.  Okay, i told myself, okay, just breathe.  I got dressed.  Got them both dressed.  Stopped them fighting over the same toy again!!  At this point i had my freaky stepford mom smile on.  The one that means that i am just about to go postal, BIG TIME!

Still trying to sound chipper, i dragged both kids off to the lounge to put their shoes on.  Warfare!  I then gathered my keys and bag.  The plan was to take them to the shops.  Get them some new scenery.  Burn off some energy.  As i was leaving, i heard a blood curdling howl and walked into yet another sibling fight.  I am not proud to say that i lost it.  I had a temper tantrum which even made my three year old stop in his tracks.  I screamed and stamped my feet and flounced off to the kitchen.  (Yes, i know that they are 3 and 6 and i am 33, but.....)  Thankfully, Jason arrived back from his Yoga class, rested and calm and seeing the wild look in my eyes volunteered to take Gabriel off to watch a movie.  Of course Seth turned into an angelic cherub the moment that he was alone with me.  I then spent the rest of the morning feeling terrible that i had lost it with them.  This is not the right response from the social worker, montessori mom!  AARGGGHHH!

So yes!  Thats my tale of woe!  I love the devils and they can be so sweet!  When they are sweet, they are very, very sweet but when they are naughty they are horrid.  The teasing and the sibling rivalry really sets me off!  Please moms tell me that when they are teenagers it will be better?

Just to help me survived the rest of this rainy day, i have full intentions of rotting their brains and dumping them in front of the tv.  I have written off the new books i bought yesterday for them and stopped at the video store for a new movie.  Anything for peace!

Yours in sanity!
Al

Treading water

Ever have one of those weeks when you feel like a duck treading water?  You seem to be doing a lot of movement, frantically swimming and yet you seem to be getting nowhere.  It was one of those weeks where dometic life was crazy.  Thankfully work was managable. 

I am so grateful that tomorrow is friday and i have a weekend ahead of me.  I really need some time where i can focus and do something visualy achievable.  I have some crafting in mind.  Actually my bum on my chair with some sewing and mindless rot on tv sounds great.

So this is just a short and sweet post to say:

• i am alive.
• i have made 5 lunches, found lost school shoes, gone to two parent teachers meetings, sorted out all the extra murals, cooked, covered books, fed, bathed and done numerous other domestic tasks.
• And did i mention...... I am alive!

Al

Some borrowed inspiration

I got this as an email from someone and it really summed up my world view right now.  It was so good that i had to share it and it was just what i needed on this gray, first monday back at work kind of day where inspiration is limited........

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quintile
at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was
awarded an Honorary PhD.

"I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.

Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out
of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There
will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will
be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living.

But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.
Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk or
your life on a bus or in a car or at the computer. Not just the life of
your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but
also your soul. People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's
so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is
cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or
lonely, or when you've received your test results and they're not so
good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried
never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no
longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen.
I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and
them to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today,
because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone and
I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre, at my job if
those other things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you
are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today:

Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the
bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very
much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon or found a
lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on
a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a
red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with
concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first
finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the
phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are
generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you
have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its
goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have
spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big
brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good
too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes.
It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids' eyes, the way
the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.

It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the
destination.

I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only
guarantee you get.

I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of
it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to
do that, in part, by telling
others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of
the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with
the sun on your face.

Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if
you do, you will live it with joy

Really powerful stuff.....

Sunday night gratitudes

I love Sunday nights although they always leave me with a strange anxiety.  It is the calmest time of my weekend but I also know that the next day with bring usual madness again.  Perhaps i can hang onto this calmness just a little longer if i reflect on my gratitudes for this weekend:

• I am grateful that i was able to take off these four days to assist my children to starting school.  I am grateful that i was able to be with them for this period and make this transition easier for them. 
• I am grateful that both boys have adjusted so very well to their new schooling arrangements. I am grateful that Gabby likes his new teacher.  (I suspect that he may actually be a little bit smitten!)  He told me today that she is funny and nice and also instructed me to cover his books today PLEASE so that he wont upset her in any way.
• I am grateful that i was able to do such a large chunk of scrapbooking and ensure that i captured the glorious memories that we made over christmas.
• I am grateful that i survived the crazy financial period of two birthdays, christmas and our holiday without any debt.
• I am grateful that i still feel so grounded.  
• I am grateful that i was able to declutter so much this weekend.  I put built in shelves in my study and in the play room and the space that they offer is amazing!  I have been able to sort out all my books and DVD's and pack them neatly.  It has made such a difference to our space.
• I am grateful that i could let me hair down last night, have cocktails with friends and not just be "Mom" for a while.  I am grateful that i am at a point in my life where i can do things like that and not be consumed by guilt like i was when Gabby was little.  I now know that carving out my space and caring for me makes me a better mom.  Anyway the boys still wake me up at 7am, hangover or not as punishment!  As long as they are safely at home in their beds with their dad, things are okay!

So i am back at work this week and now it is for the long haul!  The next break that i will have will be Easter where we hope to take off a couple of days and drive to the coast.

Wishing you a good week!
Al