Christmas 2009

Sadly, christmas is behind us.  I always feel slight relief when i survive another festive season and am able to pack up the decorations and scrap the pages and dust off the year.  However, i also feel a bit out of sorts that real life has to go on.  This was a busy but satisfactory christmas.  It involved a 1000km exodus across the country to go "home" to my childhood town and a stay with my in laws.  Here is a summary of the madness:

• The kids survived the trip there and back really well.  This time we were better prepared and invested in a trailer for the car (so that the car was empty and more comfortable) and portable DVD players for the kids to watch in the back seat.
• We stayed at my in laws place which was great.  I love to see the children with their grandparents and always leave the holidays wishing that they lived closer so that this relationship could develop further.  They have moved into a smaller townhouse after my father in laws retirement, which made things a bit more cramped but we managed well.  Fortunately i am the kind of mom who doesn't mind sleeping three in a bed with the kids so we coped with the one room.
• I loved, loved, loved seeing my brothers two children.  My nephew particularly is at a fantastic age where he is willing to go with us to the beach and the movies and understands that we are family.  He is such a sweet child.
• We had a busy holiday where we did something every day.  Part of me rebels against such madness and i feel that with the craziness of our lives it is important to have some vegging space but the reality is that when you are in a small house two small kids go crazy without space and activity, especially boys.  Also i like to make the effort and expose the kids to new things as i feel that this adds to their memory bank.  So we went to the beach almost every day. We took the kids to the movies.  We visited the museum.  We went on a game drive at Mpongo park.  We went out for lunch.  We visited my brother almost daily and saw my aunts and my cousins.  
• We had a lovely christmas day with my in laws at home.  We always have quiet christmas times.  I cant associate christmas with parties.  For me it is about being at home and celebrating family.  We did all the family rituals, putting out the stockings, leaving milk and cookies for santa and looking for santa in the sky.
• My children got a hideous amount of gifts!  I always feel a little bit ill at the rampant materialism displayed during the season.  I know that i am part of the problem and also get caught up in the process.  All this is made worse by the fact that my kids have two birthdays in December.  I did however sort out two huge refuse bags of toys and give them away so i feel better.
• We had some family conflict over christmas.  I dont want to give it any more energy by unpacking it but suffice to say that sometimes even if you are family, this does not mean that you share the same world views or even like each other.  Having two families with different parenting styles in one house is a challenge and when one of these families have a challenge with discipline, it spills over into your set up.  But i try to think of it positively.  After all life, and holidays specifically would be so bland without the fun of some good arguing!
• I loved spending time with my boys and enjoying them.  I am still baffled by the fact that Gabby is starting school for the first time in a couple of days.  They really grow up so quickly, it is crazy.
• I copied and printed 200 holiday pics and 100 photos of my husband as a baby and a child so scrapbooking rates high on my priorities right now.  That said i have done only 4 pages so i will need to focus on churning out the pages!

As i said yesterday i feel rested, focused, reminded of what gives me joy.  I had to really face my own limitations last year and realise that i cannot do everything and nor do i want to.  I dont want to join the rat race although i acknowledge that i love to work.  I believe that there is a balance that can be found and finding that balance is my real new years resolution for 2010.

Hello, hello

First off i want to wish everyone a belated merry christmas and a happy new year.  Secondly i want to apologise if i was a pain in the ass for the last bit of 2009.  I have returned from my holiday and feel like a new person.  Except that i feel better then that.  More focused then that.  I dont actually have the words to describe how good i feel.  Something bad happened last year which turned out to be something amazing.  Something sanity saving.  Last year i acted in a crazy work position and i applied and didnt get the job.  Queue disappointment and rejection anxiety.  But then i went on holiday and had a chance to reflect how abnormal my life was last year and i realised that not getting that job was the best thing that ever, ever happened to me.  I feel sane, joyous for the first time in months.  I feel alive.  I can lift my head for the first time in months.  I am interested in things.  I am seeing my family.  I dont lose it with everyone.  I am happy and i realise now that i was not happy for a long time.  We dont need the money so it was just an ego issue.  The thing is that you start working and everything is about getting better and better.  Earning more and more.  Getting promoted.  But we dont have an internal switch that tells us enough already.  I suppose that modern life is like that.  Excess is everything and can you every really have enough.

So for 7 months i worked myself mad and quite frankly neglected my family to do so.  But i got to waste some extra money and have a new bed, TV and car for hubby out of it.  Can you see that i might have got a bit screwed here?  It was crazy when i look at these meagre possessions and think of the hours that i put into those things and how they just werent worth it.  They are nice.  I like them.  But they were not worth what i sacrificed for them.  And the worst of all.  We would have been in a position to buy them anyway with a bit of saving.  But my ego got the better of me for a while and i felt rather important and liked to be the boss of a whole new bunch of people.  What can i say but thank god the universe intervened.  Otherwise i would be sitting here feeling ill, actually suicidal and dreading this year.

So today i am a grateful chick!  I had a wonderful break that i will fill you in about.  I have a great new year ahead of me.  I am so, so, so determined to make it my year.  To fill it with joy and those things that make me happy.  I am going to kick my own backside and make this a year that reminds me of what i care about and put those things first.

Love to you and yours!
Al

Free as a bird

I am on leave.  Finally!  I cannot even tell you how grateful i am.  I need this leave desperately.  Today is my first real day off with the kids at school and i still feel that maniac adrenalin feeling. It has not left my system yet but i know that it will take a couple of days before i quit thinking about work and all the crazy deadlines.  I am almost done with my christmas shopping and am finishing all the plans for our holiday trip.  We hope to drive on Saturday.

My last day at work was a bitter sweet one.  I did not get the post that i applied for and was told on Friday.  At first i was distressed but now i feel much better.  I think that i really wanted the job but that i really needed not to get the job.  To explain:  The new job had lots of additional responsibilities and i have been struggling for the past 6 months to achieve some kind of work life balance with the family.  I have been acting for this period.  It is more money but we are really financially stable and dont need the money.  I think that i was just driven to get the job for status or power and it was hard to feel rejected.  But i really believe that i should not have this job right now, so on some weird level i am really relieved.  I used to think that i could do it all but as life gets more and more crazy i get doubtful.  I now know that i am no super women and something has to give.  I try to focus on the kids and work but then i tend to let myself go emotionally and they also suffer as a result.  So suffice to say that the universe has spoken and i am ok about the situation.  I am looking forward to going back to my old office and picking up where i left off.  It was a very positive environment where i had a lot of flexibility.

Now we are in full swing for holiday planning.  We are all looking forward to ten days with the extended family by the sea.  Granny will be around to help with the little W's and that will help me.  I am wrapping gifts every night on the sly, have got two great books and my embroidery packed and plan to relax.  I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be a great year for all of us.

Al

So close i can taste it.

I have four days left at work.  The thought sends me into raptures.  This has been a crazy year.  Although i seem to say that every year.  But being a full time career girl, attempted domestic goddess and mother to two kids under the age of 6 has made for an exciting mix.  If you didnt pick it up, the domestic goddess quip was done sarcastically!  There just seems to be too much to do and too little time.  Since i started gym a month or two ago, my day can start at 4:40am when i wake up and end at 10:00pm when i crash.  And there is no down time in between.  Its gym, come home, shower, dress, feed kids, dress kids, pack bags, off to work, work my ass off, race home, stop at shops, fetch kids, cook supper, feed family, bath kids, quality time with kids, read to kids, get kids to sleep, quality time with hubby / turn on computer and do frantic work , go to bed.  Sounds fab, doesnt it?

So ja, let the summer holidays roll on.  The temptation though is to over use every second of this time.  In my life down time is just a luxury so when you get 3 weeks off, you are so tempted to clean out the cupboards, cook every day, bake with your kids, finish endless craft projects and lets not even talk about being the domestic goddess of christmas.  Sometimes i think that working moms even suffer more from this pressure.

That is why i am relieved with the way that my leave has panned out.  I have four days off by myself.  (BY MYSELF??? can you even imagine 4 days all by yourself?)  Then East London for a week and a half, back to work for a week and then 3 days off when Gabby starts school for the first time.  Those three days will be half days for me, so i will still get mornings to myself.

But who am i kidding?  I love the madness!  I love the chaos!  Life is short and i may as well milk every moment of it.  It cant be that bad if i am considering throwing another kid in the mix!  I keep telling myself that soon they will be sulky teenagers with no interest in me.  They will all go out on Saturdays and i can sit on the couch, do my sewing and watching mind numbing tv shows.  But until then i have another ten years or so to go!  And until then i have a summr holiday breathing thankfully down my neck!

Al

The end is near

I have seven days until i go on leave.  I will be off from the 11th December till the 5th of January.  I am only being sustained by the thought of the sloth and leisure that i will enjoy during this time.  But one step back..... Gabriel's 6th birthday went wonderfully.  I woke him up for school with a chocolate cake and six candles.  This was followed by gifts.  Jason and i splurged and bought him a casio keyboard so that he can practice his piano playing at home.  Then it was off to school with 60 cupcakes (Which mom had forgotten to buy and so had to pick up from the local woolworths after work at a hideous cost!) and another chocolate cake for the teachers.

I managed to leave work a bit early so that i could collect him and take him shopping for a gift from his gran.  Then dad came home and we went out for supper.  Now we are all in full swing for the birthday party next weekend on the 12th.  I have distributed the invites and am in that terrible phase where i am waiting for hte patents to reply.  I too am a terrible RSVP person so i cannot even complain.  So far i have 7 kids confirmed which makes me feel a bit better, at least with that and the adults i can rustle up a party.  Of course when people take their time to reply i have to fight the terrible urge to send out more invites, which will only be a disaster when they all reply on the last moment!!!

On a deeper note i am blown away by the fact that my son is 6 and that my baby will be 3 in a couple of weeks.I am blown away by how much i love, no adore my children.  I am blown away by how much i like them as people.  They still take my breath away.  You really do discover a whole new level of love once you become a parent.  Gabriel is such a well behaved, kind intelligent child.  Sometimes i need to remind myself to tone done and not see him as an angel but he truely is.  Sure he has his moments of cheekiness, sibling rivalry etc, but i know that if he continues the way he is, he is going to be a great man.  A man that i will be so proud to say that i raised.  And this in no way means that i dont feel the same about Seth.  That kid knocks my socks off me and i am just loving him and his weird three year old ways right now!

Today is international day for the disabled and i am in the community for a celebratory event.  I am tired and tired!  I had a squabble with my hubby this morning about me working late last night, which is not what i needed so that has made me more tired.

But i am seven days.... and counting......

Little boy blue

My oldest blessing turns 6 tomorrow.  I can scarecely believe it.  My babies are growing up so quickly that it scares me.  I love the adventure but wish they would just hold their horses a bit.  My sweetest Gabriel, i cant believe that six years have passed since i waited so anxiously for your arrival.  I had no idea what a wonderful adventure lay ahead of me.  I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams how much i would love you, how much you would fulfill me.  Wow, baby!  You knock me out with your green eyes, soft hugs and old soul! 

Cool as ice cream

As in me and not the weather, which in insanely hot and lovely.  We are cooking here people!  Basking under the African sun.

Some useless snippets about my life right now:

• I had a great time with my cousins last night, especially my hilarious chat with Loo last night about the funnier side of dating and men....
• I love the keyboard that i was able to buy Gabriel for his birthday.  I know that it is so extravagant but i am grateful that i can give him the opportunity to experience new things.
• The fact that my cell phone is fixed is wonderful.  Hurray for Justin!
• We are planning to put up the xmas tree this week.  Should it be today or tomorrow?
• The weather is so wonderful..... I think we will braai tonight just so that we can be outside together.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend....