The prickles along the way.

Things are getting much better here.  I feel like i am starting to find my feet slowly.  I am starting to feel that three kids are the norm.  The strangeness is lifting.

I am so grateful that i have everyday help.  I know that i am really one of the very few people who have been lucky enough to have a full time maid when all three of my kids are babies.  At least in the craziness of the last six weeks i have been lucky enough not to worry about cleaning up.  Every day my lovely domestic arrives at 8am.  I lie in bed and hear the dishes clinking in the kitchen sink.  By the time i get up the kitchen is clean and i am able to make my morning coffee without the chaos from the night before.  Better still my nanny will also happily take Lily from me and entertain her while i eat breakfast in peace.

I can leave her with her while i am able to have a quiet shower and even run off to the shops.  At the end of the day my house is spotless, i have had an hour or two to myself and the family is happy.  I have been so lucky to have all this support through all three of my early baby days.  I often chat to people living in other countries and dont have this support system.  I have so much respect for these moms.  I dont know how they are cope and am aware of how lucky i am.

There are still some prickles along the way.  I find that Lily is very much an arms baby.  She doesnt want to put down even when sleeping so i end up carrying her around a lot.  This really ties up my time.  I am reading a lot and end up watching TV but feel frustrated that i cant do more crafts or activities.  Thankfully she is sleeping well so i feel good in the day.  But i cant translate that into productivity as Miss is constantly in my arms.

I have also been struggling with the boys lately and feel like my patience is running out.  They seem so noisy and loud.  I feel like i spend my life telling them not to jump near their sister, not to shout when i have just got her to sleep.  And Gabriel seems to be constantly testing the boundaries, trying his luck with me.  He is driving me crazy.  I know i just need to wait for this stage to pass..

But the prickles are getting less..... Nothing like a good nights sleep to put things into perspective.

Al

Sweet faces of Lily

I know they say "A face that only a mother can love..."

But i am of the opinion that when it comes to Ms Lily she has a face that anyone can love.

I am falling more in love with her everyday and let me tell you its an easy thing to do.

She is my last and i am enjoying every moment.  This sweet ending, satisfied, knowing what i am doing part of motherhood.  The sweet last moments of a long process.  Of course i know i am being a bit melodramatic here.  I have three kids and am going to be a mother for the rest of my life.  But i am not going to be the mother to a newborn for very much longer.

That has its own wonder.  Its own magic.  Its own relief (Yes it does!!!).  Its own sadness.

But i am not dwelling on it too long.

I am just focusing on loving and savouring the sweet little faces of this baby girl.

Al

At this moment....

I am:

• Pretty much smitten with this sweet little girl.  I cant wait for the rest of the family to go off to work and school and let the two of us go back to bed, to snooze and coo together.  We are getting to know each other, sussing each other out.  Its the best sweetest part of new motherhood, when the boundaries between you and baby are still transient and open.  They are still you and you are still them.
• Loving the way that my voice quietens her, the feel of me comforts her, the way that her eyes seek me out.
• Trying to guage whether i am getting the first smile or not.  My head tells me its too early, my heart tells me - she's trying to smile at me!!
• Trying to still be as available for the boys as i was before.  Feeling like i am failing a bit.  I feel like they are growing up in front of me.  I remember this happening with Gabriel when Seth was born.  When the new baby arrives, the old "baby" seems to grow overnight.  Part of you is so relieved when they go to sleep without you or pick themselves up and dust themselves off without you.  Another part is devastated because you know that these changes are forever.  That they have read the writing on the wall and have changed with it.
• Am finally feeling better physically and emotionally.  I am starting to feel less pain when i get up or move around.  I am driving.  I am starting to find a box for Lily's birth, that was not my personal choice but that still is ok.  The point is that she is here and that any birth is an experience, that has its own life.  It passes.  You need to make sense of it, for what is was and not for what you wanted it to be.  So i wasnt in control of that experience.  I am in control of how i want to feel about it now.  I am in control of what happens going forward with my daughter.
• I am happy that life is creeping back into its old routine.  That we are starting to change our routines to fit her in.  I am starting to get a glimpse that in days to come, there will be a routine where she fits in perfectly and it all works again.
• I am savouring those perfect moments when all three kids are together and i know that this is my family and that everyone who is supposed to be here is here.  That there is no more waiting required.  Eight years ago, i was struggling to conceive and i remember having a good cry after yet another failed pregnancy tests.  Here i am with a full home, a full heart surrounded by my children, feeling more content then i ever have before...

Al

Baby Lilith Lucy Valerie

On the 24th May 2011 my daughter was born.  What a moment.  It was so different from the boys births and i am still trying to make sense of it all.  She was born via a c section after she had the cord wrapped multiple times around her neck.  I was so petrified of the procedure.  Much more then i was with the natural births.  I had always felt that no matter how painful the births were, i was in control and that i could have delivered the kids alone if i had to.  Lily's birth was surgical, clinical.  It was magical when they took her out and lay her on my chest but i still felt detached from the process, although not from her.

It was not the birth that i would have chosen although it was physically easier.  Emotionally i found it harder.  But there were also factors.  Having a daughter brought about a lot of additional emotions for me.  I had my tubes tied on the table which was a choice that i made.  I dont want any other additional children but it was hard for me to accept that i would never have other children.  When i had Gabby i knew that i desperately wanted more children.  When i had Seth, i hoped that i would have more children.  With Lily i knew that she would be my last.  This is exactly how i would have wanted it and i could not have chosen a better family then i have.  But there is something about knowing that your child bearing years are over.  When i had my baby blues for a couple of days this was a big issue for me.  That i would never be pregnant again, wonder about the gender of the baby, what would baby look like?  I know that i would never cope with four children or would want four children but it was still a process for me.

The good thing is that i am so determined to enjoy Lily.  And i am enjoying her.  She is such a princess and so loved by the family.  Two weeks down the line it feels like she was never not here.  I recovered pretty well from the C section.  I was able to leave the hospital after two days and come home which was a huge relief.  I missed the boys terribly and wanted to be in my own environment.  Not being able to drive was another issue for me.  I hated being stuck at home and dependent on everyone.  I am happily behind the wheel again although i am just doing short trips to the shops nearby and to the schools to collect the children.  It has done me the world of good!

Baby care has been easy.  It is tiring but at least as a third baby, the princess is benefitting from the auto parent that i have become.  I am still a pro at the mundane tasks of feeding, burping, changing, putting to sleep!  At this age the tasks are easy but just exhausting in their never ending routine.  I am struggling with the nights but not as bad as i did with the boys.  She is still waking every two to three hours which can be a killer.  The worst part has been that she was born in the middle of winter here.  It is terrible!  I miss the hot summer nights that i enjoyed with my December boys!  They only wore vests and nappies.  Changing them was a breeze.  Now midnight nappy changes require removing loads of clothes and blankets.

Mostly i am grateful right now.  Grateful that my family is complete.  That i have my beautiful daughter.  That she is healthy.  That the family have adapted so well to her presence.  That the birth is over.  That i can start to enjoy her.

Al

The littlest princess

Today was 4D scan time.

Ms Lilith has already begun to move down in anticipation of her arrival, so some of the photos were not the clearest.  The placenta that she was using as a pillow was casting a shadow over her face in many of the photos.

But i was still happy with this cute shot of her sucking her thumb.  I took the boys with me which was a good albeit painful memory making process!  They got bored after all of 5 mins and started to squirm and ask me when we would be done.  But it was wonderful to see her and know that all is well.

The thing with a healthy pregnancy is that it really involves a lot of patience while baby just settles down and grows.  Nothing really required from you.  I keep on reminding myself that this is how it should be and how lucky i am not to have had a pregnancy where there has been drama.  The Wainwright offspring appear to be quite comfortable in utero and happy to nest down, grow and come out almost to the day on their expected due date.  They really are a co-operative lot!  :)

Go wonderfully,
Al

34 candles

Last week friday was my birthday.  And no i did not have 5 candles!  More like 34!  How time flies.

I had a good birthday, with so many kind wishes, gifts, phone calls, message from around the globe.  Sometimes one can feel so caught up in the madness of your own small existence.  Feel like you are the only one with a sick child, wondering what to cook for dinner, trying to cope with work that it helps to be reminded occassionally that you are part of a larger network of relationships.  And nothing speaks to these relationships more then someone taking the time to phone you, send you a message, buy a gift, spend time with you...  Thank you to all for the energy that you shared with me.  Especially my busy mom friends!

To be honest i have never ever had real birthday anxiety.  I have always harboured the closet view that those who have real issues about getting old feel unfulfilled or wish that they had made different life decisions.  Birthdays always give me the opportunity to reflect on my life and i largely like what i see, what i remember.  I think that my decisions have been largely sound or at least i have been able to live with the consequences.  Of course hindsight is 20/20.  Of course i had not dated that moron in high school.  Of course i wish i was a more patient mother.  Of course i wish that parts of my childhood were different.  But, that being said the only way to survive adulthood in a healthy fashion is to acknowledge that you did the best that you could with what you had, at the time and move on.

The point for me as i reach that annual milestone is that i am really grateful for the good decisions that i have made:

• The good memories that i carry from my family of beginning, no matter how dysfunctional some of it was and that i was able to manage the negative experiences, taking from them what mattered and not allowing them to affect my life going forward.
• The fact that i invested the time in my studies when i was young, was able to seek out a career that fulfills me, that makes me thing, that i am proud of.
• The fact that i met my husband, married him and get to enjoy the kind of connection with a healthy individual that is really precious.
• The fact that we have been able to have 3 children and have the kind of family that i always wanted.
• The fact that at 34 i have still kept my sense of adventure, that i am still able to dream about packing up the zoo, getting on a plane, flying to a foreign country and starting all over again.  Most importantly that i trust myself and Jason enough to do that.  That after all life's knocks that i still feel in control of my own destiny.

So happy birthday to me!  See you in a years time Birthday girl and keep your chin up until then!

Al

The little engine that could

A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

Sometimes you have to have a little optimism in life.  We all have those days when you wake up, peek out at the world and want to weep, pull the covers over your head and scream: "Hell No!"  However when you are a working parent with a gazillion responsibilities that is really not an option.  I had a morning like that.  Seth had us up with a nightmare at 3am, the alarm went off at 5:50am, i lay there for 5 mins thinking:  "I cant get out of this bed...."  Then i got out of bed, i resisted the urge to throw my pillow at my cat, just because he was flaunting his stretched out sleep on the floor and dragged my sorry self to the shower.

So here i am, a couple of hours later reminding myself that i dont have to like today but i certainly have to survive it.  Just put one foot in front of the next one, and so on.

Optimism has a special place in my hear this week because of my son.  I was reminded that bravery comes in different guises and that we can help others to be brave through our small actions.  This is the story of Gabriel and soccer.  Gabby is lean, strong, runs like the wind and swims like a fish.  But he hates soccer.  He used to love it, thanks to years of soccer stars that i dutifully paid for at creche.  But then he had one bad incident.  He went to a birthday party, soccer was played, he hit the ball with his hand, his team got a penalty.  He felt crap.  He started to hate soccer. Just like that.  Confidence zero.  When i spoke to him, he said: "I am no good at soccer, Mom...."  My poor child. 

On Monday i fetch him from school and he announces with conviction that he wont be going to school on Thursday.  As you can imagine, i did a double take and asked why?  The reason its the interhouse soccer games and he does not want to play.  To be honest for a split second my heart broke and i just wanted to keep him home, feed him sweets, let him watch TV and cocoon him in maternal love and affection.  But then the more sane more part of me kicked in and I said No.  But i also knew that he needed a bit more then that. 

And thats where wonder dad comes in..... Hurray!

When Jason got home i cornered him in the kitchen and said:  "Tonight you are teaching your son to play soccer, properly!"  What a star, he got hold of Gabby after supper and bath, set up a soccer field on my coffee table using my coasters and other objects, explained all the rules, found a soccer match on TV and went through the rules using examples from play.  By the end of the evening we had a much happier little boy.  Last night he got out cones and a ball and practised dribbling with him.  I bought him new soccer shoes and YAY!

He played yesterday at school with his friends and came back happy as can be.  He was glowing, telling me how he remembered what Dad told him and did fine.  I almost had a teary mom moment in the car.  Today he is dressed up, happy as can be off to his match, no anxiety....

This whole thing really got me thinking about how we have to manage the impact of the experiences that our children have, even when we cant manage the experiences.  How we have to put things into perspective for them, pick them up and dust them off, remind them how much we believe in them.  Because sometimes we all need someone to say:  "I love you kid, no go and shine!!"  And shining does not mean scoring a goal.  It means getting to the field, goofing around with your friends, enjoying the day, coming home.  I also realised how grateful i am for the man that i chose to be Dad to my kids.  I love him most when i can see how much he adores the kids and how he is willing to manifest that love in the time, commitment and input that he puts into their lives.

So if Gabby can go and play soccer........ I can get through this week.

Al