Monday, June 6, 2011

Baby Lilith Lucy Valerie

On the 24th May 2011 my daughter was born.  What a moment.  It was so different from the boys births and i am still trying to make sense of it all.  She was born via a c section after she had the cord wrapped multiple times around her neck.  I was so petrified of the procedure.  Much more then i was with the natural births.  I had always felt that no matter how painful the births were, i was in control and that i could have delivered the kids alone if i had to.  Lily's birth was surgical, clinical.  It was magical when they took her out and lay her on my chest but i still felt detached from the process, although not from her.

It was not the birth that i would have chosen although it was physically easier.  Emotionally i found it harder.  But there were also factors.  Having a daughter brought about a lot of additional emotions for me.  I had my tubes tied on the table which was a choice that i made.  I dont want any other additional children but it was hard for me to accept that i would never have other children.  When i had Gabby i knew that i desperately wanted more children.  When i had Seth, i hoped that i would have more children.  With Lily i knew that she would be my last.  This is exactly how i would have wanted it and i could not have chosen a better family then i have.  But there is something about knowing that your child bearing years are over.  When i had my baby blues for a couple of days this was a big issue for me.  That i would never be pregnant again, wonder about the gender of the baby, what would baby look like?  I know that i would never cope with four children or would want four children but it was still a process for me.

The good thing is that i am so determined to enjoy Lily.  And i am enjoying her.  She is such a princess and so loved by the family.  Two weeks down the line it feels like she was never not here.  I recovered pretty well from the C section.  I was able to leave the hospital after two days and come home which was a huge relief.  I missed the boys terribly and wanted to be in my own environment.  Not being able to drive was another issue for me.  I hated being stuck at home and dependent on everyone.  I am happily behind the wheel again although i am just doing short trips to the shops nearby and to the schools to collect the children.  It has done me the world of good!

Baby care has been easy.  It is tiring but at least as a third baby, the princess is benefitting from the auto parent that i have become.  I am still a pro at the mundane tasks of feeding, burping, changing, putting to sleep!  At this age the tasks are easy but just exhausting in their never ending routine.  I am struggling with the nights but not as bad as i did with the boys.  She is still waking every two to three hours which can be a killer.  The worst part has been that she was born in the middle of winter here.  It is terrible!  I miss the hot summer nights that i enjoyed with my December boys!  They only wore vests and nappies.  Changing them was a breeze.  Now midnight nappy changes require removing loads of clothes and blankets.

Mostly i am grateful right now.  Grateful that my family is complete.  That i have my beautiful daughter.  That she is healthy.  That the family have adapted so well to her presence.  That the birth is over.  That i can start to enjoy her.


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