Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Sweet faces of Lily

I know they say "A face that only a mother can love..."

But i am of the opinion that when it comes to Ms Lily she has a face that anyone can love.

I am falling more in love with her everyday and let me tell you its an easy thing to do.

She is my last and i am enjoying every moment.  This sweet ending, satisfied, knowing what i am doing part of motherhood.  The sweet last moments of a long process.  Of course i know i am being a bit melodramatic here.  I have three kids and am going to be a mother for the rest of my life.  But i am not going to be the mother to a newborn for very much longer.

That has its own wonder.  Its own magic.  Its own relief (Yes it does!!!).  Its own sadness.

But i am not dwelling on it too long.

I am just focusing on loving and savouring the sweet little faces of this baby girl.


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

At this moment....

I am:

  • Pretty much smitten with this sweet little girl.  I cant wait for the rest of the family to go off to work and school and let the two of us go back to bed, to snooze and coo together.  We are getting to know each other, sussing each other out.  Its the best sweetest part of new motherhood, when the boundaries between you and baby are still transient and open.  They are still you and you are still them.
  • Loving the way that my voice quietens her, the feel of me comforts her, the way that her eyes seek me out.
  • Trying to guage whether i am getting the first smile or not.  My head tells me its too early, my heart tells me - she's trying to smile at me!!
  • Trying to still be as available for the boys as i was before.  Feeling like i am failing a bit.  I feel like they are growing up in front of me.  I remember this happening with Gabriel when Seth was born.  When the new baby arrives, the old "baby" seems to grow overnight.  Part of you is so relieved when they go to sleep without you or pick themselves up and dust themselves off without you.  Another part is devastated because you know that these changes are forever.  That they have read the writing on the wall and have changed with it.
  • Am finally feeling better physically and emotionally.  I am starting to feel less pain when i get up or move around.  I am driving.  I am starting to find a box for Lily's birth, that was not my personal choice but that still is ok.  The point is that she is here and that any birth is an experience, that has its own life.  It passes.  You need to make sense of it, for what is was and not for what you wanted it to be.  So i wasnt in control of that experience.  I am in control of how i want to feel about it now.  I am in control of what happens going forward with my daughter.
  • I am happy that life is creeping back into its old routine.  That we are starting to change our routines to fit her in.  I am starting to get a glimpse that in days to come, there will be a routine where she fits in perfectly and it all works again.
  • I am savouring those perfect moments when all three kids are together and i know that this is my family and that everyone who is supposed to be here is here.  That there is no more waiting required.  Eight years ago, i was struggling to conceive and i remember having a good cry after yet another failed pregnancy tests.  Here i am with a full home, a full heart surrounded by my children, feeling more content then i ever have before...

Monday, June 6, 2011

Baby Lilith Lucy Valerie

On the 24th May 2011 my daughter was born.  What a moment.  It was so different from the boys births and i am still trying to make sense of it all.  She was born via a c section after she had the cord wrapped multiple times around her neck.  I was so petrified of the procedure.  Much more then i was with the natural births.  I had always felt that no matter how painful the births were, i was in control and that i could have delivered the kids alone if i had to.  Lily's birth was surgical, clinical.  It was magical when they took her out and lay her on my chest but i still felt detached from the process, although not from her.

It was not the birth that i would have chosen although it was physically easier.  Emotionally i found it harder.  But there were also factors.  Having a daughter brought about a lot of additional emotions for me.  I had my tubes tied on the table which was a choice that i made.  I dont want any other additional children but it was hard for me to accept that i would never have other children.  When i had Gabby i knew that i desperately wanted more children.  When i had Seth, i hoped that i would have more children.  With Lily i knew that she would be my last.  This is exactly how i would have wanted it and i could not have chosen a better family then i have.  But there is something about knowing that your child bearing years are over.  When i had my baby blues for a couple of days this was a big issue for me.  That i would never be pregnant again, wonder about the gender of the baby, what would baby look like?  I know that i would never cope with four children or would want four children but it was still a process for me.

The good thing is that i am so determined to enjoy Lily.  And i am enjoying her.  She is such a princess and so loved by the family.  Two weeks down the line it feels like she was never not here.  I recovered pretty well from the C section.  I was able to leave the hospital after two days and come home which was a huge relief.  I missed the boys terribly and wanted to be in my own environment.  Not being able to drive was another issue for me.  I hated being stuck at home and dependent on everyone.  I am happily behind the wheel again although i am just doing short trips to the shops nearby and to the schools to collect the children.  It has done me the world of good!

Baby care has been easy.  It is tiring but at least as a third baby, the princess is benefitting from the auto parent that i have become.  I am still a pro at the mundane tasks of feeding, burping, changing, putting to sleep!  At this age the tasks are easy but just exhausting in their never ending routine.  I am struggling with the nights but not as bad as i did with the boys.  She is still waking every two to three hours which can be a killer.  The worst part has been that she was born in the middle of winter here.  It is terrible!  I miss the hot summer nights that i enjoyed with my December boys!  They only wore vests and nappies.  Changing them was a breeze.  Now midnight nappy changes require removing loads of clothes and blankets.

Mostly i am grateful right now.  Grateful that my family is complete.  That i have my beautiful daughter.  That she is healthy.  That the family have adapted so well to her presence.  That the birth is over.  That i can start to enjoy her.