Monday, November 19, 2012

The forgetful blogger

I am the forgetful blogger.  Or perhaps the reluctant blogger?  All I know is that while I have good intentions I have been very bad about posting.  And thats not to say that I dont have a lot to say.  Actually so much is happening right now that I have a lot to say.  But I havent been saying much.  I think part of this is that blogging as always been a revealing process for me and right now I am a bit fragile and not really wanting to deal with what is happening around me.

Its been almost six months and I am struggling here.  More then I ever thought I would to be honest.
I dont miss South Africa as much as I thought I would but I am homesick.  The longer I am here the more abnormal some things become for me and thats hard.  When I arrived I found everything abnormal but amazing.  Then we conquered the practical part of moving and I thought things got normal again.  Once again, you have a routine.  But it is the very midst of that day to day routine that I feeling lost.  I rise and do lunches and school dressing, frantically filling out forgotten notes and looking for change.  Then its the drop off and the shops and racing home and cleaning up and putting children down for a nap.  And its fetching time and sports time and supper time and more cleaning up and paying bills and more cleaning up.  And.  I dont see myself in the chaos or stop to talk to myself much and so I am feeling lost.  Asking myself who am I?  And what happened to my life?  And how the hell, beyond that terrible quantas flight, did I get her?

We moved here for lots of reasons and we get asked about them almost every day.  We did move here because of crime and political stability and all the other reasons why South Africans move here and elsewhere.  But it was more then that for us.  We moved here for quality of life and what we thought Australia could offer.  The thing is that right now we are too tired to really take advantage of the quality of life aspect of this country and so that is really skewing how we feel right now.

On top of that Jason found out that he wont be made permanent in January and that he needs to start job hunting again.  And because we are still raw and insecure after the last long job hunt, it has caused us a huge amount of stress.  This move has been hard on our egos.  So its November, almost December and I feel that we are limping a bit as a family, caught up in the madness of scouts and cricket and end of year events and birthday parties but huffing and puffing.  Not really as emotionally fit as we were when we landed, full of hope.

Now before it sounds as if we are about to pack for Pretoria, not so!  Even in the hard space i find myself in here and now, i am intrigued by this country.  I feel like one of the seedlings I recently put into my garden.  I am spindly and weak but full of promise.  I know instinctively that if I put down roots here we can thrive.

Memories bind us to a space and time.  So I am embracing this festive season with hope.  Its a sad time for me because I love the holidays and they have always had great meaning for me.  Two of my children were born in December and with their parties and christmas itself, this has always been the season for family.

But here lies December 2012 before me and I am determined to create new nurturing memories for my family.  I have extended myself, planned birthday parties, christmas lunch, been invited to new friends for christmas eve and I am embracing it all.  I determined to create some joy for myself right now.

I hope that wherever you are you are in the midst of diving into the season and all the joy that it promises....