I had a good birthday, with so many kind wishes, gifts, phone calls, message from around the globe. Sometimes one can feel so caught up in the madness of your own small existence. Feel like you are the only one with a sick child, wondering what to cook for dinner, trying to cope with work that it helps to be reminded occassionally that you are part of a larger network of relationships. And nothing speaks to these relationships more then someone taking the time to phone you, send you a message, buy a gift, spend time with you... Thank you to all for the energy that you shared with me. Especially my busy mom friends!
To be honest i have never ever had real birthday anxiety. I have always harboured the closet view that those who have real issues about getting old feel unfulfilled or wish that they had made different life decisions. Birthdays always give me the opportunity to reflect on my life and i largely like what i see, what i remember. I think that my decisions have been largely sound or at least i have been able to live with the consequences. Of course hindsight is 20/20. Of course i had not dated that moron in high school. Of course i wish i was a more patient mother. Of course i wish that parts of my childhood were different. But, that being said the only way to survive adulthood in a healthy fashion is to acknowledge that you did the best that you could with what you had, at the time and move on.
The point for me as i reach that annual milestone is that i am really grateful for the good decisions that i have made:
- The good memories that i carry from my family of beginning, no matter how dysfunctional some of it was and that i was able to manage the negative experiences, taking from them what mattered and not allowing them to affect my life going forward.
- The fact that i invested the time in my studies when i was young, was able to seek out a career that fulfills me, that makes me thing, that i am proud of.
- The fact that i met my husband, married him and get to enjoy the kind of connection with a healthy individual that is really precious.
- The fact that we have been able to have 3 children and have the kind of family that i always wanted.
- The fact that at 34 i have still kept my sense of adventure, that i am still able to dream about packing up the zoo, getting on a plane, flying to a foreign country and starting all over again. Most importantly that i trust myself and Jason enough to do that. That after all life's knocks that i still feel in control of my own destiny.