Pause

I feel the need to pause.  Stop and refocus.  I really need to ask myself how i am going to make it until December.  This is such a rat race time of the year.  And i feel it this week more then ever.  I am still thrilled by Spring and holiday promises but i am in that space where suddenly the day to day grind of everyday life wears you down.  I am tired.

The older i get i am more aware that life is mostly grind.  You get up and do millions of little things that make life work.  These things in isolation are not fantastic.  They are most ordinary.  But them together and you have something fantastic.  Your life.  So i am not complaining about the big package.  My life is pretty good and certainly the best it has been but that does not mean that all the little pieces dont become too much to carry sometimes.  They do.

I think that women feel this more then ever.  I sometimes fantasy that i am my husband and that i dont ever think about whats for supper or what medication i must give the kids or whether one of the kids needs new shoes.  I mean ever.  I am not saying that my DH is not amazing, good father etc.  But the reality is that his day to day existence is easier.  The path is straighter.  Less complex.  Imagine going away for work and not worrying about a hundred things, working out menus, buying food and then still worrying that your husband wont know the little things, like how Seth likes his blanket tucked in.  Or that he must kiss Gabby goodnight twice.  Once before I put Seth down and again before i leave the room.  You cant put that on a to do list.

So this morning i set my alarm with good intention.  I was going to get up at 4:30am and go to gym.  But then i had Seth in my bed at 11pm with a stuffy nose and Gabby joined me at 2:30am because his "tummy hurt".  And so when the alarm went off.  I turned it off and went back to sleep.  I felt guilty this morning but then decided that there was always something that i could feel guilty about.  So it was no use adding this to the mix.

I guess, what i am trying to say is that i am realising that part of my exhaustion is realising that right now i am running on empty and that i need to focus on me for a while.  Of course this focusing will happen in the context of all the non avoidable, largely mothering chores that dont ever leave you.

Al