Happy belated mother's day to all and sundry. I could not wish anyone online yesterday as in a moment of sheer non brilliance i forgot my power cable for my laptop at the office.
This photo is of my own mother, taken long before she became a mother. She died in 2000 when i was 23 years old. My biggest regret is that i did not have the opportunity to know her as mother,when i was a mother, if that makes sense. I think that it took becoming a mother myself to truely understand how she felt about us as children. I also became aware that despite her failings she was a wonderful mother on some level. She certainly loved us unconditionally and despite her substance abuse problem we always had an enourmous sense of that love. Now, ten years later my siblings and i are confident, relatively successful, largely happy people and she had a large part to play in that. She was widowed in 1989 when we were only 12, 10 and 6 years old. And the point is that she got us to adulthood, in tact. I know now the sense of responsibility that she must have felt faced with that task. I look at the overwhelming task of raising my sons and know her fear, her anxiety.
The thing is it has taken me ten years of healing to know that there is more of my mother in me then i first chose to acknowledge. And i am happy with that discovery. I think that although she was never able to see me as a mother or meet my children as a grandmother she came me the values, the basis that makes me into the parent i am today. I have finally got the point where i can acknowldege that she failed on a lot of the small things but succeeded on most of the big things. She had our back. She defended us. We knew we were loved. She protected us. That stuff counts.
So mom: I wish you a happy mothers day. I thank you in only the way that another mother could. I now understand the soul sweat, the heart blood, the life energy that a mother gives to their children.
I had a wonderful weekend and mothers day. My hubby gifted me a beautiful antique pewter brooch and my sons gave me flowers and bath goodies. I was most touched by Gabriel using his money to buy me something small from the school. I really have good, good kids. We spent the day at the Johannesburg botanical gardens and had a wonderful picnic, played soccer, ate ice cream and watched the ducks. Soul food indeed.
I also ended this weekend with the great sense of completion when you get things done:
- I managed to finish my cross stitch item. It looks so fantastic! It is worth all the pain and i cannot wait to frame and hang it.
- I put in my winter veggie garden - cabbage, lettuce, cauliflower, broccoli, green peppers, chillies, spinach and swiss chard. Seth loved it!
- I baked delicious banana bread with the kids on saturday. Gabby was lucky that he got the last piece for lunch this morning!
- I cleaned out some irritating clutter spots and was mortified at just how many books my kids actually have when they are all in space!