The prickles along the way.

Things are getting much better here.  I feel like i am starting to find my feet slowly.  I am starting to feel that three kids are the norm.  The strangeness is lifting.

I am so grateful that i have everyday help.  I know that i am really one of the very few people who have been lucky enough to have a full time maid when all three of my kids are babies.  At least in the craziness of the last six weeks i have been lucky enough not to worry about cleaning up.  Every day my lovely domestic arrives at 8am.  I lie in bed and hear the dishes clinking in the kitchen sink.  By the time i get up the kitchen is clean and i am able to make my morning coffee without the chaos from the night before.  Better still my nanny will also happily take Lily from me and entertain her while i eat breakfast in peace.

I can leave her with her while i am able to have a quiet shower and even run off to the shops.  At the end of the day my house is spotless, i have had an hour or two to myself and the family is happy.  I have been so lucky to have all this support through all three of my early baby days.  I often chat to people living in other countries and dont have this support system.  I have so much respect for these moms.  I dont know how they are cope and am aware of how lucky i am.

There are still some prickles along the way.  I find that Lily is very much an arms baby.  She doesnt want to put down even when sleeping so i end up carrying her around a lot.  This really ties up my time.  I am reading a lot and end up watching TV but feel frustrated that i cant do more crafts or activities.  Thankfully she is sleeping well so i feel good in the day.  But i cant translate that into productivity as Miss is constantly in my arms.

I have also been struggling with the boys lately and feel like my patience is running out.  They seem so noisy and loud.  I feel like i spend my life telling them not to jump near their sister, not to shout when i have just got her to sleep.  And Gabriel seems to be constantly testing the boundaries, trying his luck with me.  He is driving me crazy.  I know i just need to wait for this stage to pass..

But the prickles are getting less..... Nothing like a good nights sleep to put things into perspective.

Al

Sweet faces of Lily

I know they say "A face that only a mother can love..."

But i am of the opinion that when it comes to Ms Lily she has a face that anyone can love.

I am falling more in love with her everyday and let me tell you its an easy thing to do.

She is my last and i am enjoying every moment.  This sweet ending, satisfied, knowing what i am doing part of motherhood.  The sweet last moments of a long process.  Of course i know i am being a bit melodramatic here.  I have three kids and am going to be a mother for the rest of my life.  But i am not going to be the mother to a newborn for very much longer.

That has its own wonder.  Its own magic.  Its own relief (Yes it does!!!).  Its own sadness.

But i am not dwelling on it too long.

I am just focusing on loving and savouring the sweet little faces of this baby girl.

Al

At this moment....

I am:

• Pretty much smitten with this sweet little girl.  I cant wait for the rest of the family to go off to work and school and let the two of us go back to bed, to snooze and coo together.  We are getting to know each other, sussing each other out.  Its the best sweetest part of new motherhood, when the boundaries between you and baby are still transient and open.  They are still you and you are still them.
• Loving the way that my voice quietens her, the feel of me comforts her, the way that her eyes seek me out.
• Trying to guage whether i am getting the first smile or not.  My head tells me its too early, my heart tells me - she's trying to smile at me!!
• Trying to still be as available for the boys as i was before.  Feeling like i am failing a bit.  I feel like they are growing up in front of me.  I remember this happening with Gabriel when Seth was born.  When the new baby arrives, the old "baby" seems to grow overnight.  Part of you is so relieved when they go to sleep without you or pick themselves up and dust themselves off without you.  Another part is devastated because you know that these changes are forever.  That they have read the writing on the wall and have changed with it.
• Am finally feeling better physically and emotionally.  I am starting to feel less pain when i get up or move around.  I am driving.  I am starting to find a box for Lily's birth, that was not my personal choice but that still is ok.  The point is that she is here and that any birth is an experience, that has its own life.  It passes.  You need to make sense of it, for what is was and not for what you wanted it to be.  So i wasnt in control of that experience.  I am in control of how i want to feel about it now.  I am in control of what happens going forward with my daughter.
• I am happy that life is creeping back into its old routine.  That we are starting to change our routines to fit her in.  I am starting to get a glimpse that in days to come, there will be a routine where she fits in perfectly and it all works again.
• I am savouring those perfect moments when all three kids are together and i know that this is my family and that everyone who is supposed to be here is here.  That there is no more waiting required.  Eight years ago, i was struggling to conceive and i remember having a good cry after yet another failed pregnancy tests.  Here i am with a full home, a full heart surrounded by my children, feeling more content then i ever have before...

Al

Baby Lilith Lucy Valerie

On the 24th May 2011 my daughter was born.  What a moment.  It was so different from the boys births and i am still trying to make sense of it all.  She was born via a c section after she had the cord wrapped multiple times around her neck.  I was so petrified of the procedure.  Much more then i was with the natural births.  I had always felt that no matter how painful the births were, i was in control and that i could have delivered the kids alone if i had to.  Lily's birth was surgical, clinical.  It was magical when they took her out and lay her on my chest but i still felt detached from the process, although not from her.

It was not the birth that i would have chosen although it was physically easier.  Emotionally i found it harder.  But there were also factors.  Having a daughter brought about a lot of additional emotions for me.  I had my tubes tied on the table which was a choice that i made.  I dont want any other additional children but it was hard for me to accept that i would never have other children.  When i had Gabby i knew that i desperately wanted more children.  When i had Seth, i hoped that i would have more children.  With Lily i knew that she would be my last.  This is exactly how i would have wanted it and i could not have chosen a better family then i have.  But there is something about knowing that your child bearing years are over.  When i had my baby blues for a couple of days this was a big issue for me.  That i would never be pregnant again, wonder about the gender of the baby, what would baby look like?  I know that i would never cope with four children or would want four children but it was still a process for me.

The good thing is that i am so determined to enjoy Lily.  And i am enjoying her.  She is such a princess and so loved by the family.  Two weeks down the line it feels like she was never not here.  I recovered pretty well from the C section.  I was able to leave the hospital after two days and come home which was a huge relief.  I missed the boys terribly and wanted to be in my own environment.  Not being able to drive was another issue for me.  I hated being stuck at home and dependent on everyone.  I am happily behind the wheel again although i am just doing short trips to the shops nearby and to the schools to collect the children.  It has done me the world of good!

Baby care has been easy.  It is tiring but at least as a third baby, the princess is benefitting from the auto parent that i have become.  I am still a pro at the mundane tasks of feeding, burping, changing, putting to sleep!  At this age the tasks are easy but just exhausting in their never ending routine.  I am struggling with the nights but not as bad as i did with the boys.  She is still waking every two to three hours which can be a killer.  The worst part has been that she was born in the middle of winter here.  It is terrible!  I miss the hot summer nights that i enjoyed with my December boys!  They only wore vests and nappies.  Changing them was a breeze.  Now midnight nappy changes require removing loads of clothes and blankets.

Mostly i am grateful right now.  Grateful that my family is complete.  That i have my beautiful daughter.  That she is healthy.  That the family have adapted so well to her presence.  That the birth is over.  That i can start to enjoy her.

Al

The littlest princess

Today was 4D scan time.

Ms Lilith has already begun to move down in anticipation of her arrival, so some of the photos were not the clearest.  The placenta that she was using as a pillow was casting a shadow over her face in many of the photos.

But i was still happy with this cute shot of her sucking her thumb.  I took the boys with me which was a good albeit painful memory making process!  They got bored after all of 5 mins and started to squirm and ask me when we would be done.  But it was wonderful to see her and know that all is well.

The thing with a healthy pregnancy is that it really involves a lot of patience while baby just settles down and grows.  Nothing really required from you.  I keep on reminding myself that this is how it should be and how lucky i am not to have had a pregnancy where there has been drama.  The Wainwright offspring appear to be quite comfortable in utero and happy to nest down, grow and come out almost to the day on their expected due date.  They really are a co-operative lot!  :)

Go wonderfully,
Al

34 candles

Last week friday was my birthday.  And no i did not have 5 candles!  More like 34!  How time flies.

I had a good birthday, with so many kind wishes, gifts, phone calls, message from around the globe.  Sometimes one can feel so caught up in the madness of your own small existence.  Feel like you are the only one with a sick child, wondering what to cook for dinner, trying to cope with work that it helps to be reminded occassionally that you are part of a larger network of relationships.  And nothing speaks to these relationships more then someone taking the time to phone you, send you a message, buy a gift, spend time with you...  Thank you to all for the energy that you shared with me.  Especially my busy mom friends!

To be honest i have never ever had real birthday anxiety.  I have always harboured the closet view that those who have real issues about getting old feel unfulfilled or wish that they had made different life decisions.  Birthdays always give me the opportunity to reflect on my life and i largely like what i see, what i remember.  I think that my decisions have been largely sound or at least i have been able to live with the consequences.  Of course hindsight is 20/20.  Of course i had not dated that moron in high school.  Of course i wish i was a more patient mother.  Of course i wish that parts of my childhood were different.  But, that being said the only way to survive adulthood in a healthy fashion is to acknowledge that you did the best that you could with what you had, at the time and move on.

The point for me as i reach that annual milestone is that i am really grateful for the good decisions that i have made:

• The good memories that i carry from my family of beginning, no matter how dysfunctional some of it was and that i was able to manage the negative experiences, taking from them what mattered and not allowing them to affect my life going forward.
• The fact that i invested the time in my studies when i was young, was able to seek out a career that fulfills me, that makes me thing, that i am proud of.
• The fact that i met my husband, married him and get to enjoy the kind of connection with a healthy individual that is really precious.
• The fact that we have been able to have 3 children and have the kind of family that i always wanted.
• The fact that at 34 i have still kept my sense of adventure, that i am still able to dream about packing up the zoo, getting on a plane, flying to a foreign country and starting all over again.  Most importantly that i trust myself and Jason enough to do that.  That after all life's knocks that i still feel in control of my own destiny.

So happy birthday to me!  See you in a years time Birthday girl and keep your chin up until then!

Al

The little engine that could

A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

Sometimes you have to have a little optimism in life.  We all have those days when you wake up, peek out at the world and want to weep, pull the covers over your head and scream: "Hell No!"  However when you are a working parent with a gazillion responsibilities that is really not an option.  I had a morning like that.  Seth had us up with a nightmare at 3am, the alarm went off at 5:50am, i lay there for 5 mins thinking:  "I cant get out of this bed...."  Then i got out of bed, i resisted the urge to throw my pillow at my cat, just because he was flaunting his stretched out sleep on the floor and dragged my sorry self to the shower.

So here i am, a couple of hours later reminding myself that i dont have to like today but i certainly have to survive it.  Just put one foot in front of the next one, and so on.

Optimism has a special place in my hear this week because of my son.  I was reminded that bravery comes in different guises and that we can help others to be brave through our small actions.  This is the story of Gabriel and soccer.  Gabby is lean, strong, runs like the wind and swims like a fish.  But he hates soccer.  He used to love it, thanks to years of soccer stars that i dutifully paid for at creche.  But then he had one bad incident.  He went to a birthday party, soccer was played, he hit the ball with his hand, his team got a penalty.  He felt crap.  He started to hate soccer. Just like that.  Confidence zero.  When i spoke to him, he said: "I am no good at soccer, Mom...."  My poor child. 

On Monday i fetch him from school and he announces with conviction that he wont be going to school on Thursday.  As you can imagine, i did a double take and asked why?  The reason its the interhouse soccer games and he does not want to play.  To be honest for a split second my heart broke and i just wanted to keep him home, feed him sweets, let him watch TV and cocoon him in maternal love and affection.  But then the more sane more part of me kicked in and I said No.  But i also knew that he needed a bit more then that. 

And thats where wonder dad comes in..... Hurray!

When Jason got home i cornered him in the kitchen and said:  "Tonight you are teaching your son to play soccer, properly!"  What a star, he got hold of Gabby after supper and bath, set up a soccer field on my coffee table using my coasters and other objects, explained all the rules, found a soccer match on TV and went through the rules using examples from play.  By the end of the evening we had a much happier little boy.  Last night he got out cones and a ball and practised dribbling with him.  I bought him new soccer shoes and YAY!

He played yesterday at school with his friends and came back happy as can be.  He was glowing, telling me how he remembered what Dad told him and did fine.  I almost had a teary mom moment in the car.  Today he is dressed up, happy as can be off to his match, no anxiety....

This whole thing really got me thinking about how we have to manage the impact of the experiences that our children have, even when we cant manage the experiences.  How we have to put things into perspective for them, pick them up and dust them off, remind them how much we believe in them.  Because sometimes we all need someone to say:  "I love you kid, no go and shine!!"  And shining does not mean scoring a goal.  It means getting to the field, goofing around with your friends, enjoying the day, coming home.  I also realised how grateful i am for the man that i chose to be Dad to my kids.  I love him most when i can see how much he adores the kids and how he is willing to manifest that love in the time, commitment and input that he puts into their lives.

So if Gabby can go and play soccer........ I can get through this week.

Al

Monday ramblings

I typed a whole post.  I deleted it.  It didnt seem real.  It was all about balance and how i need it.  But that is old news and i just felt like i was stating the obvious.  I am pregnant, tired, working hard, juggling - balance is the glue that holds my life together right now.  I dont always get it right.

I actually had a pretty good weekend.  I rested.  We braaied.  We swam.  We were at home together.  I realised that my life is not that bad.  It was like a giant kick in the bum, get with the programme moment.  I felt better.  I wont say that i was engulfed in gratitude what with my swollen ankles and what not but hey!

I am trying to rest a bit more, do a bit less, laugh with the kids, talk to them.  They make me laugh.  They are pretty cool.  I like the fact that they are getting personalities.  I hope that they will still want to come to my house and my table when they are all grown up and talk to me.  I would like that.

I did some work on the princess's room.  It looks good.  I do a double take everytime i walk past the room on the way to the loo.  It is a lot of pink and purple.  It doesnt really feel like it belongs there after years of blue.  I still feel overwhelmed a bit by having a daughter.  But hey i felt overwhelmed with Gabriel, because he was first.  I felt overwhelmed with Seth, because how was i going to cope with two.  I am of the opinion that a lot of parenthood is about sinking or swimming.  And as sinking is not really an option, i have to just put my water wings on and make the best of it.

Lots of rambling- with a basic message.  I am fine.  My life is trundling along.  I dont particularly want to kill my hubby or kids.  I dont want to kill any of my colleagues (at least not today!).  I am seeing Ms Peanut again at the doctor on wednesday.  I think i am going to make it.

Barbie blues

Yesterday i posted the first of these posters onto Facebook.  Like most of my facebook comments it was done in the spur of the moment. I came across the poster, it resonated with me and i decided to post it.  I didnt really think about it too much.  I often think that facebook is like a stream of consciousness dialogue whereas my blog requires real conscious thought.  So I posted it.  It is not really a secret that i dont like barbie.  I dont look like Barbie at all.  I have never really identified with her.  And i think i need to thank my mom that i didnt really feel bad about it.

I have always been overweight.  Check me out in my preschool photos and i am the kid who is plump.  But the thing is i never grew up feeling plump or inferior or anything.  I grew up feeling just great.  My mom screwed up a lot of things but on self esteem building she scored an A+.  She didnt tell me everyday that she thought that i was wonderful. She didnt have to. I knew that she thought i was wonderful and beautiful.  I knew it as surely as i knew the sky was blue.

As i grew older, thankfully much older i got more exposed to negative messaging about my appearance and my body.  The thing that really got me was that most of this negativity was not from a positive stance.  It didnt tell me in a factual way that being overweight was unhealthy or would effect my body in the following ways.  Most of it just came from the slant that you:

• Cant be happy, gorgeous and fabulous if you are not perfectly thin, have a straight nose and clear skin.
• That you will not be accepted, that you wont be loved, get married, have kids if you dont look perfect.
• That you have to fit this predestined idea of what is attractive.

I tried.  I spent a lot of my adolescence trying hard to fit the mould, be prettier, be thinner, be BETTER!

But then one day i stopped and looked around me and realised some things:

• I was pretty happy.  I actually liked my life.  I was still overweight but i didnt think about it all the time.  I was married.  He seemed to really love me.  We had great kids.  We had great sex and it was not all about how i looked.
• There were lots of other thin people out there that were not that happy, even though they fit the mould.
• In my social work practice i also realise that there were a lot of really beautiful women out there who got treated like real crap by their partners.  That even if they looked really hot in lingere their partners still were unfaithful.

And it was like exhaling.  It doesnt mean that i dont want to lose weight.  It doesnt mean that i dont see a great dress and think "I wish i could squeeze my ass into that!!!"  But i think it and it is over.

The hard thing for me now is not to judge others who are a different stage in their lives.  I am not really a make up, high heels, blow dry your hair kind of girl.  Okay, i am not at all.  If you see me in full war paint, it means one of three things:

• I am at a funeral or wedding.
• I am at a job interview.
• I am on a real wild party night (which with almost 3 kids is never and normally involved a swipe of lipstick and mascara!)

I will admit it:  I went on a date with my husband and had to look for 20 mins to find my make up bag (I only carry lipstick in my bag for emergencies!)

So it becomes so easy for me to judge others who spend huge amounts of time on their appearances.  As much as they probably judge me for not spending huge amounts of time on my appearance. Go figure!

I got some flak yesterday.  It turned into a typical bimbo versus slob fight.  Which pissed me off.  And then saddened me a lot.  Because i often wonder what drives women to turn on each other as much as we do.

But at least i left the whole thing feeling more sure of who i am, and who i want my daughter to be.  I dont mind if she is beautiful.  I know that she will be.  Breathtaking to me.  But i want her to know that no matter what she looks like she is worthy, fantastic, that she can never be insignificant to me.

Thanks Mom.

Blog award!

What a great way to start the morning!  Especially a Monday morning.  Much thanks to Angelique from "Isnt Life grand?" for her kind nomination for a blog award.  You can check out her great blog at http://angie-isntlifegrand.blogspot.com/ .  I love finding blogs by other South African moms!

Part of the nomination is to share some things about myself and as i do like to talk about myself (she says in jest!!), here goes:

1. I am a mom to almost three little ones.  My sons are 7 and 4 years old and we are expecting a little girl in June.  This fills me with great joy and some fear.  I am trying to get me head around being the mom to a girl and what that means.  
2. I am an addictive reader who averages a book or two a week.  I can by pass a shoe sale with ease but need to go into every second hand book shop i see.
3. We are in the process of applying for a permanent visa to live in Australia.  This is exciting but can also make you feel like your life is on hold a bit.  
4. We would ideally like to live in Melbourne.  I grew up by the sea in the Eastern Cape and would love to return to the shore again.
5. I am a social worker by profession and specialise in victim services.  My husband is a logical, scientist who works in the computer science field.  We once had a real fight for two days because he told me that one day computer scientists will build a computer that will be able to diagnose mental illness.  REALLY,  We did!
6. I am a real home body that finds great comfort within the walls of my home, loves family and embraces my time with them.
7. I would love to visit Russia one day.  I love the architecture and the foreigness of the culture.

I would also like to nominate the following blogs for the award:
http://cindysmemoirsoftime.blogspot.com/  (Cindys Corner)
http://morninglorycottage.blogspot.com/ (Morning glory cottage)
http://its-our-life-for-six.blogspot.com  (Urban homestead South Africa)
http://apronthriftgirl.typepad.com/apron_thrift_girl/(Apron thrift girl)

Thanks again Angelique! :)

Al

Girls stuff

 I was reading another blog about parents living vicariously by buying toys for their kids.

I am a terrible (by that i mean prolific) toy buyer so I can identify.  But my purchases have been tempered slightly by the fact that i have two boys.  I love the joy of giving them lego and other toys that bring on squeals of joy, but dont feel the same glee because lets face it i didnt dream of playing with fire trucks, lego, hot wheels cars etc. 

But now with a daughter on the way i find myself fantasising about a whole new level of indulgence.  Now dont picture barbie castles and princess palaces.  I am just not that kind of girl.  I didnt really do the doll stuff too much.  I think that the rag dolls and other cuddlies are cute but dont remember every fantasising about having a barbie malibu mansion with a corvette in the driveway.

Books.  Now books are an addiction.  They still are.  As a child i always dreamt of having a huge library that was all mine.  I have bought a load of books for the boys, that also reflect my childhood reading.  They have all the Roald Dahls, lots of Hardy boys and Willard Price.  And yes, i did read Willard Price.  They have lots of Famous five and other Enid Blytons.  So i thought that i had covered all bases.

Until i stuck my head into the hospice shop the other day and there on the shelf were two Nancy Drews.  I had an AHA moment.  I could buy all the girls books!  Joy! Bliss!  A whole new world of book buying opened up to me.  She can read all the books i have bought already but there are lots more experiences waiting for her (and me).

And she is not the only little W on my mind when i think of books.  Right now i am in a kind of ecstatic bliss about Gabby's reading.  This year he has started to read alone.  As in take a book and lie on his bed and read.  I go down the passage and peek in the door and when i see him lying on his bed reading, i get warm and fuzzy inside.  I get it.  We share something!  My hard work for the past 7 years has paid off.  It inspires me to keep reading to Seth.  He loves it and i live in hope that we will all read together.  Two mornings ago Gabby confided in me that he was tired because he snuck the light on after i had put him in bed to read "Just one more page from James and the Giant Peach mommy.  I just had to know what came next."

And i didnt scold him.
How could i, be there so many times, baby boy!

Al

Home truths about motherhood.

The things about motherhood is that it doesnt get any easier.
Well on some level it does because you do get to the point where you can feed, burp, change nappies, soothe kids, put kids to sleep, even feed multiple kids as the table without any real extertion.  Things that seemed to require a project management schedule with baby number one, are not really a challenge.  You can see the experienced moms at the playgrounds.  They dont even pause their conversations to wipe noses, put on jerseys, even hand out the occassional well aimed swot.  No sweat at all.  Just do it and move on.

So as i face becoming a mother for the third time i dont really think about all of that.  After two children i know some essential home truths about motherhood.  As Oprah would say, things "I know for sure..."

• That motherhood is the single most exhausting thing that you will ever do.  It seems easy broken up into little parts but doing all those little parts for about 20 years adds up to a lot of calories burnt (even though you would never say so looking at my figure.).
• That privacy goes out the window when you have kids.  Weeing alone, bathing alone, having a shower without someone sticking his head through the curtain is not an option.
• BUT, and here is the real humdinger, you dont seem to mind.  Sure in the beginning the lack of sleep kills you but once you get used to walking around like a zombie, well then its all downhill from there.
• And at the end of the day it is all essentially worth it. Worth it in a undescribable way.  Where you dont want to be one of those smug moms and say "You need kids to be complete" but you also know that you could never live without your kids and your life is fantastic with them.  And that they do complete you in a glorious way.

So as the weeks start running down towards little madams arrival I know that its going to be hard work and i might just die physically but i also know that i will emotionally revived on some level, that time will fly and soon she will just be part of the day to day happy madness of my life. 

As I speak i have a friend waiting desperately to go into labour with her first child.  And as a friend I am driven by the need, when we speak to make her understand how very hard and magical it will all be. But i also know that this is an impossible wish and that each of us need to take that journey alone.  Its just part of earning your motherhood badge.

Al

I've lost that loving feeling

Just 6 weeks ago we were all fresh from a coastal summer holiday.

We had tans, real tans and we were not very grumpy.  We even started missing JHB after two weeks in sleepy little East London.  We missed the drama and the smog.  Were we crazy?  Yes of course we were, but the point is we felt fabulous.  Granted my kids were trying to kill each other after a month of unbroken time in each others company.  But look at these pictures, we were beachy, bubbly and still had sand in our shoes.

Now we have kind of lost our sparkle a bit.  We are happy about Miss Peanut's continued growth and the new addition but damn life is pretty mundane at present.  We are Mad with a capital M.  Work is crazy, kids social lives are crazy.  School is busy.  Mom is tired.  Mom is grumpy.  Dad is laying low from grumpy mom.  Mom is counting the weeks till maternity leave.  And 13 weeks seem a long time.

Mom is getting miserable about even happy things like decorating Miss P's room.  I am pissed at the sheer task of painting walls and re-carpeting floors.  I want to have enough money to go on a holiday and give instructions and come back and BAM..... it is all perfect.  I dont want to organise a painter or get carpet quotes or have curtains made.  I want to be a lady of leisure.  Sigh.

So we are all day counting.  Slightly perked after we saw the public holidays in April.... only 6 weeks away. 

We've got to get out of this place.  Not sure if a weekend break at 32 weeks pregnant will be feasible but i am looking into it.

Al

Mid pregnancy exhaustion

Now saying that you are pregnant and tired is like repeating yourself.  After three pregnancies I know this too well.  But that is a small consolation when you are in the midst of it all.  I think back fondly to my first pregnancy.  When i could come home from work, growl at Jason to feed himself, feed myself a giant chocolate and go to bed.  Now i come home, go to the shop, fetch child one, fetch child two, stop kids from killing each other other, make supper, stop my kids from eating snacks before said supper, feed my kids, bath my kids, let my kids watch tv because i am tired, feel guilty because i am vegging while they are staring at the idiot box, do the school bag clean out, do homework, have some meaningful engagement with kids about their day, get kids to sleep, fight with kids to sleep, get water for kids to drink, put the pillows just right and tuck them in AGAIN and finally collapse on the couch at about 8:15pm.

I then lie there in a daze of exhaustion wondering how i am going to get up at 5:45 and start all over again.  This week Seth was ill.  This added a whole new spanner in the works as i now had to get up at 11pm and 1am to give nose spray, fix pillows, administer calpol and finally take him to my bed where he proceeded to lie on top of me, even though he had a temprature which made me want to die with the heat.

All of the above does not equate restful pregnancy.  Most it equates me collapsing into bed as soon as possible, arranging multiple pillows around me and snoring gracefully.

But the other thing i have learnt is that complaining helps Niks!  So anyway tomorrow morning i will get up again and go through the motions and be very grateful it is weekend.

The good news is that we are going to see the princess on the small screen again on Monday the 14th.

Its been a while.

Al

Walking through mud

I am having a bit of day.

Or a bit of a week.

I am jus tired i guess.  But i wish that i was at home, on my couch, with the tv on and my sewing.  Some brainless soothing activity required.

Why do i feel like this?  Not sure?  Could be pregnancy.  Could be the immigration stuff that never stops.  Could be that i dont really like work right now, for no apparent reason.

This week is dragging at my heels, clutching at my ankles and refusing to let go.  I need it to be friday afternoon, 3pm but instead each second is tiptoeing along.

One step at a time, Al..... one step at a time!

Right now.......

• Its raining again.  It never seems to end.  It has been raining on and off for the last 2 months.
• I have a stove again.  A new shiny black one.  Now we are all holding thumbs that it bakes well this weekend.
• Ms Peanut has grown in size, i swear in days and reassures with kicks on a daily basis.
• We are off to supper with a friend who is alone on his birthday tonight.  Just because no-one should be alone on their birthday, dont you agree?
• I have still done one solitary letter on my alphabet sampler.  Shame.  The situation must be remedied.
• My maid got baby inspiration yesterday and set up my baby cot.  It brought back so many memories.  When i walked into my room and saw it there, i could not believe that Seth was four.  It seems like only yesterday that i was doing night vigil over that cot.
• This week is crawling along and i really need a weekend.  Please?

Al

Captured on film!

I need to get my butt into gear and do some scrapbooking.  Like yesterday.  I was pretty good when we got back and i was on leave and i managed to wade through all the xmas photos and get them done.  I even started an album for Ms peanut and scrapped her pregnancy test.  Then my scrapbooking desk got cleaned and even though everything looks lovely and clean i lost my momentum.  Why can i only work in quasi chaos?

I now have a pack of wonderful pics, including the ones above that need to be filed away.  I find that with the ever growing family, some scrapping is really heartfelt family scrapping and other is just chore scrapping.  This does not mean that scrapping is EVER a chore but it is about capturing all the routine xmas, birthday, karate, sport and school photos that stream in continously and get so lost.  If i dont keep up i land up with boxes of photos that can quickly become meaningless even if they are really important and mean a lot to the kids.  So i need to do something!!!

I have started Ms peanut's baby sampler so feel pretty good about that.  I forgot how long cross stitch can take.  So after a week i have done the central letter M.  It is an alphabet sampler of baby elephants.  I can do another 24 weeks, excluding the border so I need to move this along.

Otherwise Ms Peanut is fine, just getting stronger and kicking me on a regular basis.  There are no complaints from her mama because it is reassuring to know that all is fine and she is growing in leaps and bounds.

On the home front i have had domestic drama.  We have had loads of rain here and this led to electrical work that needed to be done, work on my geyser and then my stove decided to call it a day.  My new stove arrived yesterday and they are installing it today.  I think that my biggest concern is that my oven will bake well.  The old stove really needed to be replaced but i hung onto it because the oven baked so well.  I am planning to try it out this weekend and hope i am not disappointed.

But we are sailing towards the end of January and cannot believe how quickly time flies.  The boys are all fine with Gabby settling into grade two with barely a peep.  Seth has started speech therapy last week and is doing so well already. Just more homework for mom!!

Go gently and be wonderful!
Al

Its a girl!

Its a girl!

I am in shock.  Well, i am less in shock then last week when i first heard.  It has started to make sense but i still have moments when i will be in the shower or about to go to sleep and think, i am going to have a daughter.  It doesnt seem real to me.  Last week wednesday i went for my scan and the cord was lying over the relevant area.  I decided that i was not leaving without knowing and hopped up and down and coughed frantically until she obliged.

When the doc said it was a girl i didnt really believe her and she had to show me clearly on the screen.

Since then i have sorted out the boys stored baby stuff and have bought some pink stuff.

On the home front i have two more days before i go back to work and the kids go back to school.  I am actually looking forward to it.  I need to say it.  The kids are driving me nuts.  How do people stay at home with their kids?  And god forbid homeschool?  And not kill them?

I am happy to go back to the office and shoulder motherhood guilt that will inspire me to be happy, inspired and positive when i get home.

On the new years eve front i dont have real resolutions, except to sort out the little irritating repairs that i need done at my home, survive having the new baby and the first couple of months, try to lose some of the pregnancy weight post baby and finalise my oz stuff.  As i get older i try to have only one real resolution:  To get through the year, with the greatest amount of joy and happiness in my life.  I try not to sweat the small stuff as i become more aware that most of the little stuff is meaningless.

So it will be a pink year after all....

Happy new year

2011 is here. I am glad.  2010 was a crazy year but i am glad its over.  I have a good feeling abou the year to come. 2010 saw my boys growing up at a mad pace.  Gabby starting school, learning to read, becoming such a little boy.  Seth finally found his tongue and made me wonder why i thought he would ever be mute.  And of course sperm met egg and little peanut was concieved.  We worked hard.  We played hard, pulling off three great family holidays.  But we were all a little relieved when we could say "Totsiens 2010! "

I am still on holiday for another week or so and glad to be home after our holiday at the coast.  It was good to be away but the holiday itself was disappointing.  Its far to travel and although it is wonderful to see family, I find that moving a young family away from their routine and home for two weeks is a nightmare.  I am glad to be home, cook in my own kitchen, have all my belongings around me, the trappings of my life surrounding me.

Peanut continues to grow in leaps and bounds.  I last saw the doctor at the end of November and am looking forward to my appointment on wednesday the 5th January.  I had a long gap because we were away and the holidays were on.  But on the 29th December s/he gave me their first real strong kicks.  Three, on after the other as i lay reading and now it is felt daily.  It is comforting and so familiar to feel those little kicks.  It reminds me so much of my sons, who are now such little boys at 4 and 7.  This pregnancy is flying and i cant believe i am halfway through.  I keep trying to tell myself to step back and to savour the moments as this will be my last but I am so caught up in the process of life with two kids that i often forget.

Everyone thinks that we desperately want a daughter but its not true.  Truth is that i have a slight fear of having a daughter and i just love my sons.  Being a woman is complicated and i dont think i am ready to deal with bringing a daughter into the chaos.  Sons are adoring, uncomplicated.  Truth is that whatever happens i will be happy as i had given up on having a third child at all.  But people drive me a bit crazy by imposing their ideas of what i want onto me.  I dont want sympathy for having three beautiful sons.  I know that if the doctor says its a boy i will just smile and think "Thats exactly as it was meant to be!"

I had a wonderfully quiet new year and hope that yours was restful and safe.

To a new year and new beginnings,
Al