Sunday, April 11, 2010

Back to the grindstone

Today is my last day off.  Tomorrow the kids are all back at school and i am back at work.  Its been a great two weeks and i feel good.  I feel okay about tomorrow in a resigned kind of way.  I know that i need to work.  I need the stimulation.  I need the money.  I need the independence that the money brings.  I need the respect that work brings.  But of course, as i have mentioned before, this is often a difficult thing for me.  An area where i feel torn. I know that i miss out on family time and the quietness of domestic life when i am at work.  I also know that domestic life is not all that blissful if you do it full time.  I know that the lovely quiteness of being home alone on leave is not the real life of a stay at home mom.  I also know that i take strain if i stay at home with the kids for a long time.  I know that this sounds terrible but it is true.  I am a better mother if i am fuelled with just the right amount of longing and guilt.  I get home after a long day and i am softer when i see my kids.  They are the light at the end of a crazy office day and i am happy to sit on the steps while they bath and listen to them tell me about their day.  We really are never happy.

But i have realised something in the last week or so.  I am decidely unexciting really.  I really like the simple life on the whole.  I dont mind the occassional dinner out or show.  I like to meet up with family and friends and gossip over coffee or drinks but in the main i like to be at home. I like to be with my family.  I like to do my crafts, watch tv, read my books, potter around the place.  These things make me happy even though they would have made me cringe when i was 21.  In reality i always liked these things and my happiest memories of being in my mother's home are ones that involve these activities.  But when you are an educated liberated woman these things are decidely old fashioned and not that cool.  Now i am getting to old and tired to pretend that i dont like doing things that i actually do.  I like to bake biscuits and feed them to my kids so that i wont eat them all.  I like to put on my pj's at 5pm when i get home from work and watch tv and do my cross stitch.  When i have a great book i cant wait to get into bed at 8pm when my kids are sleeping and read for two hours solid.

SO, with the perspective of the two weeks break i need to find time to embrace these things because they calm me and make me happy.  They are my simple joys.  I need to manage my work stress and remind myself that i work as a source of fulfillment and to ensure that i have financial stability which in turn gives me joy and allows me the opportunity to experience many things.  I know that this is easier said then done and come tomorrow i will walk into my office and face emails, staff, drama, clients, political demands.  But, i need to take a deep breath and remind myself crudely that "you have seen this shit before, girl...."  I cant be shaken but just put my head down and work methodically.

See you tomorrow back in the office....

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