School days

It has been a good first week and here i am on a saturday afternoon.  It is noon but there is absolute peace.  Seth is having an early nap.  One of those where i feel no pressure to wake him from his snooze so can really relax.  Jason is off running and Gabby is draped over my bed watching a movie.  I have gone shopping, have supper planned and have an entire afternoon spread before me where i can do as much or as little as i like.  Better still tomorrow lies equally calm before me.  I am only working on Monday and then i am off for the rest of the week to help my baby bird G for his first three days of school.

I cant believe he is starting school.  I know that we all say that but i really cant believe it.  Six years ago, give or take a month, a nurse was handing me this red, crinkled little being, while i sat in my hospital bed, still overcome by the pain of my first labour (come on, those classes just dont prepare you for what first time labour really is like!).  Next thing i am home with this scrap, clueless.  We chug along, tears and laughter ensuing and suprise he is one.  He is crawling, he is standing and TA-DA he is walking.  He is talking and turning two.  He is potty trained and turning three!  His brother arrives and he is no longer THE baby.  He starts doing things at creche that i didnt teach him.  He is four and has friends and is more and more independent.  He is five and is now a little boy.  He is playing the piano and building lego.  He counts and recognises the alphabet and writes his name.  He loves comics, swimming and his dad.  He is still soft and sweet and kind.  He turns six.  He is starting school.

Part of being a mother is letting go.  We nurture these spirits but want them to fly, soar and know instinctively that they cant do it on our laps or tied to us.  We have these moments of exhaustion when we cant face rocking another child to sleep and think: "Please be more independent!"  But then a funny thing happens, they give us what we think we want and it scares the hell out of us.

So here i am.  I have spent a hideous amount on the uniform.  I have coughed up for the school shoes and got my brother to rub them with oil to "break them in" so there are no blisters.  I have the latest Ben 10 school bag.  I have all the stationary on the endless list.  I have the lunch boxes and even the clever lunch ideas planned.  I have leave and all the arrangements are made.  Fees, after care, sports, music classes. Check!  Am i ready?  No not at all.  I am terrified.

Most of my fears are standard:  Bullying, making friends, fitting in, me coping with the new schedule, will his teacher be nice?  But larger then that i just worry that time is just moving so quickly, simply running away from me.  I have to face that i am no longer a new mom.  That soon Seth will be at school.  That even if we do have another baby, she or he will also be gone in a blink. 

The consolation is that i am not alone. I am sure all over the country moms are feeling just what i am going through now.

Nothing left to do but kleenex it out, girls!

Al