Friday, February 19, 2010

Friday thoughts

Its friday.  Hear the huge sigh of relief.  Last weekend was wonderful in that we had my mom in law up to spend the weekend with us BUT it was also really crazy.  She is one of 7 children and they all live in JHB so we had to make a plan to see them all and squeeze in the valentines day disco for Gabriel on friday night, Jason's 10km run and a visit with her other grandchild.  So i got to Monday exhausted and then Seth decided to get ill.  He has only started to get better now.  I am at the point where i would much rather be sick then have the kids sick.  They are so miserable when they are ill.  They wont eat.  They wont sleep.  I put them into bed with us and then i dont sleep.  Moms, you know the drill.......

I have also had a difficult week emotionally in that i am worried about my older son's speech.  When Seth was born Gabby was three and he developed a stutter.  I took him to the speech therapist who told me that she thought it was as a result of the stress of the new baby.  After a couple of months it went away and would just hover under the surface.  When he was tired or had a rough day he would struggle over a couple of words.  When he started school in January his stutter re-emerged big time.  I know that starting school has been very stressful for him.  It has started to get a bit better but i am really worried about it.  It also upsets my husband no end because he has a stutter and has his own issue...  I have booked him in to see the speech therapist for next week.  But like all things related to my children my first response is almost always guilt.  When something goes wrong with the kids i always feel like i should have seen it before hand, done something about it, sorted it out.  Not altogether healthy but i really cant help it.  Thankfully Seth is speaking more and more as that was a whole other source of guilt.  In my daily work as a social worker I come across parents who just dont care about their children.  They dont care whether they eat, sleep, attend school, are in danger etc.  Besides the anger my most overwhelming feeling is total amazement that they can actually live the guilt involved.  I have times that no matter what i do, i think that i should be doing more and what i am doing is just not good enough.  Of course there are only 24 hours in a day so invariably it is me who gets squeezed out.  My husband really is a good dad but he just does not get the guilt thing in the same way as i do.  In a way my view really translates into unconditional love and devotion because if something is amiss with the kids i never ask "what is wrong with them?  but rather "what is wrong with me?"  Which i am sure brings a whole new bunch of hang ups.  Why is parenthood so damn complicated.

Of course this is all made worse by being a working mom and being aware that no matter what you are doing right now something else also needs to be done.  So while you are at work you wish you were at home and while you are at home you are thinking about work.  Crazy.

This is not really a bitch session but just an attempt to make sense of my crazy space right now....

But the good news is that this weekend is quieter.  We have the exciting family event on Sunday that i will tell you about next week.  But the rest of the time is pure R and R.  Which we all need.  I sensed the tiredness in the W clan this week.  I think it calls for complete vegetation to overcome it....

Thanks for listening!

1 comment:

  1. My sixteen year old son has a slight slur to his speech, which has been exaggerated by braces. Kids used to make fun of him when he was young. He went through speech therapy which helped greatly.
    The way he talks is now a trademark of sorts for him. All the girls love him now (not that's what I need) and he has learned to work with it.

    I totally get what you're saying about guilt. Only recently I've let it go, only because Schuyler asked me to! It gets better, I promise.