Breathing space

We just got back from a wonderful short September break.  This is the second year that we have done this and it really has sustained us emotionally through the rough end of the year months.  We did lots of nothingness.  We braaied daily.  We visited the cows daily.  We went horse riding.  We walked, rode bikes and flew kites.  We sat around a lot.  We made big fires in the fire place every night.  We read books.  We laughed.  We cocooned.  We refocused.

It was wonderful!
Al

Pause

I feel the need to pause.  Stop and refocus.  I really need to ask myself how i am going to make it until December.  This is such a rat race time of the year.  And i feel it this week more then ever.  I am still thrilled by Spring and holiday promises but i am in that space where suddenly the day to day grind of everyday life wears you down.  I am tired.

The older i get i am more aware that life is mostly grind.  You get up and do millions of little things that make life work.  These things in isolation are not fantastic.  They are most ordinary.  But them together and you have something fantastic.  Your life.  So i am not complaining about the big package.  My life is pretty good and certainly the best it has been but that does not mean that all the little pieces dont become too much to carry sometimes.  They do.

I think that women feel this more then ever.  I sometimes fantasy that i am my husband and that i dont ever think about whats for supper or what medication i must give the kids or whether one of the kids needs new shoes.  I mean ever.  I am not saying that my DH is not amazing, good father etc.  But the reality is that his day to day existence is easier.  The path is straighter.  Less complex.  Imagine going away for work and not worrying about a hundred things, working out menus, buying food and then still worrying that your husband wont know the little things, like how Seth likes his blanket tucked in.  Or that he must kiss Gabby goodnight twice.  Once before I put Seth down and again before i leave the room.  You cant put that on a to do list.

So this morning i set my alarm with good intention.  I was going to get up at 4:30am and go to gym.  But then i had Seth in my bed at 11pm with a stuffy nose and Gabby joined me at 2:30am because his "tummy hurt".  And so when the alarm went off.  I turned it off and went back to sleep.  I felt guilty this morning but then decided that there was always something that i could feel guilty about.  So it was no use adding this to the mix.

I guess, what i am trying to say is that i am realising that part of my exhaustion is realising that right now i am running on empty and that i need to focus on me for a while.  Of course this focusing will happen in the context of all the non avoidable, largely mothering chores that dont ever leave you.

Al

Kalahari delivery

My books are on their way!  Our Amazon is called Kalahari.  And i love, love, love them.  So my joy was great when i got an email saying that my books have been dispatched and should be waiting for me when i get home.

These are my beauties:

I cant wait to get home and indulge.  And yes i added about ten items to my wish list yesterday just browsing.  Time to hide the credit card from myself.

Al

Sorry i am not sorry.

Firstly let me say that the title is not mine. I borrowed it from a blog that i stumble upon.  It was a weigh loss blog and now i cant find it to credit it.  So if the author ever stumbles onto this post.  My apologies.

The post focused on the things that the blogger was not sorry about.  It really made me think.  What are you not sorry about?  What are the things that you do and will continue to do even if it pisses everyone else off?

Well, here are some of the things that Sorry, i am not sorry for:

Sorry, I am not sorry that i am an anal mother.  I know i hover.  I know i overdo it sometimes.  I like my kids to sleep in their own beds in their house.  I struggle to trust baby sitters.  I tell them i love them a zillion times a day.  I struggle being apart from them.  I stress about the long term impact of things that happen to them.  I try a bit hard.  I am psychotically, claw your eyes protective.  And damn it, sorry but i am not sorry about it.  Those are my kids.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont want to hang out with people i dont really like.  When i was younger i had lots of friends.  Or more specifically i had lots of people i knew.  And i hung out with them excessively swinging from one social event to another.  Visits and meals and movies and.  And now i dont want to any more.  I like my own company.  I like silence.  Alot.  I dont want to waste my time on people who frankly i dont care about or like.  I like my kids and my husband and my some of my family.  And if i make an effort to hang out with you please know its because i really like you.  Otherwise i just would not bother.  Really i would not.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont care that i can come across super nerdy and old maidy when i do my crafts and read my thousands of books.  Thing is this is not high school anymore, i am never going to wear a mini skirt, and party like its 1989.  No.  Never.  I am never going to look like a supermodel and i feel okay with that.  I want to do things that make me happy. And some of those things may appear old fashioned or boring.  And thats fine.  I dont want to go to a night club.  But i like my chair and a movie.  Throw in my cross stitch and a cappucino and i am happier then a pig in mud.  So if you come to my house and see me in my comfy unsexy pjs - sorry i am not sorry.

Sorry i am not sorry that i want to do things that are right for me.  For me and my family.  I want to live in another country and thats it.  I am an atheist and thats it.  I dont want to explain why i want to do these things.  I just want to and i believe it all goes black when i die so why not?  I am not going to change my views or my plans to may you happy. 

So thats it.  That feels so good i might do it again some time.  But right now, Sorry i do have to get back to work.

So tell me what are you not sorry for?

Al

Weekend madness

What a weekend.  It was great and it was exhausting.  First off we went to my sister - in - law to be's kitchen tea.  Her bridesmaids did a great job, with the theme of "Desperate housewife". 

Here is a photo of the future Mr and Mrs.  My brother is covered in paint which is supposed to be mud.  He was the supposed to be the sexy gardener at the party.  We all had a good laugh.

After that we raced off to a friend's marriage celebration.  They got married a week ago in the Eastern Cape but then came up to Johannesburg to celebrate with family and friends here.  They hosted a lovely dinner although my kids were taking strain after the full day.  They were distracted by the great dane though which helped.  Two days later Seth is still talking about the "huge" dog.

And finally although Sunday was restful it was also tiring.  The kids swam for the first time.  We braaied outside and i dragged myself to gym. 

Now for a new week and a recommitment to my weigh less.  My weigh in is on Wednesday and although i was pretty good with all the functions, lots of little treats snuck in.....

Here is a skinnier week....

Al

Spring day assembly

It all started with this bunch of flowers that we quickly collected from our garden.  Thankful for the early spring blooms.

Then we found mom's old beach hat and stapled and pinned all the flowers on.  We added the SPRING lettering on after thanks to Mom's huge scrapbooking stash.  Gabby and I agreed that it looked pretty nifty!

And finally the hat was placed upon his head and the whole family declared that he looked great.  Despite my flu, i stopped into the spring assembly.  The grade ones were allowed to wear their spring hats and walk up onto the stage individually.  Gabby looked so at ease and did a wonderful turn on stage.  The school played the "Teddy bear's picnic" song and we all clapped in time.  The school hall looked wonderful, all decorated in flowers and butterflies.

Then i had to leave while he took his picnic blanket and lunch box for a picnic on the grounds.  Lucky boy!

And tonight we are all off to the Spring Disco!  I love this season.  This flu is not even getting me down!

Al

And slowly we come alive.....

Spring is here in the true sense of the word. If you doubt us, let Seth show you the new flowers on our Yesterday, today and Tomorrow.  (It probably has a fancier name but that is what we call it.)  He is also happy to show you one of our beautiful Jasmine bushes that are flowing dramatically over our front wall.

Our vegetable garden is also looking wonderful.  We have lettuce, Cabbage, Broccoli, Cauliflower and Spinach in the garden.  These are left over from Winter and we have just added loads of Basil plants, Strawberries, Tomatoes and parsley plants.  Just to remind us that these flavours lie in our future.

Although we have been struck by the flu, the sun is helping us cope.  We all feel more alive.

Some other news of what is happening in our lives:

• Gabriel has his Spring day event at school tomorrow.  We need to make his Spring hat tonight.  They will wear them into assembly at school and have a spring picnic afterwards.
• Seth is eagerly preparing for his school play next saturday.  He is a plane.  More then that i dont know.  It is under wraps.
• I have a kitchen tea this weekend and had much fun putting together a fun baking pack for my sister in law.  A baking book, silicone pans, a cooling rack, measuring spoons and jug, spatula, apron and tea towel.
• I am seeing an old friend on Saturday night who got married a week ago far away. She is stopping over for a few days and we will be seeing her and hubby for a meal.  She is also expecting and i have completed a crochet blanket for her.  I will force myself to take photos before it leaves my hands.

So despite the germs, we are well.  Very well!
Al