Happy new year

2011 is here. I am glad.  2010 was a crazy year but i am glad its over.  I have a good feeling abou the year to come. 2010 saw my boys growing up at a mad pace.  Gabby starting school, learning to read, becoming such a little boy.  Seth finally found his tongue and made me wonder why i thought he would ever be mute.  And of course sperm met egg and little peanut was concieved.  We worked hard.  We played hard, pulling off three great family holidays.  But we were all a little relieved when we could say "Totsiens 2010! "

I am still on holiday for another week or so and glad to be home after our holiday at the coast.  It was good to be away but the holiday itself was disappointing.  Its far to travel and although it is wonderful to see family, I find that moving a young family away from their routine and home for two weeks is a nightmare.  I am glad to be home, cook in my own kitchen, have all my belongings around me, the trappings of my life surrounding me.

Peanut continues to grow in leaps and bounds.  I last saw the doctor at the end of November and am looking forward to my appointment on wednesday the 5th January.  I had a long gap because we were away and the holidays were on.  But on the 29th December s/he gave me their first real strong kicks.  Three, on after the other as i lay reading and now it is felt daily.  It is comforting and so familiar to feel those little kicks.  It reminds me so much of my sons, who are now such little boys at 4 and 7.  This pregnancy is flying and i cant believe i am halfway through.  I keep trying to tell myself to step back and to savour the moments as this will be my last but I am so caught up in the process of life with two kids that i often forget.

Everyone thinks that we desperately want a daughter but its not true.  Truth is that i have a slight fear of having a daughter and i just love my sons.  Being a woman is complicated and i dont think i am ready to deal with bringing a daughter into the chaos.  Sons are adoring, uncomplicated.  Truth is that whatever happens i will be happy as i had given up on having a third child at all.  But people drive me a bit crazy by imposing their ideas of what i want onto me.  I dont want sympathy for having three beautiful sons.  I know that if the doctor says its a boy i will just smile and think "Thats exactly as it was meant to be!"

I had a wonderfully quiet new year and hope that yours was restful and safe.

To a new year and new beginnings,
Al

Getting ready for christmas

We get ready for christmas twice.

First we decorate our own home.  We put upour advent calendar, fill the baskets with chocolates. Mom buys gifts galore, wrapping goes on under cover.

Then we pack upour life a couple of days before christmas and travel down to the coast on the annual pilgrimage to be with our family.  Its been eleven years since we left the small town where we grew up and we still call it going home.  It involves a very full car and a trailer full of stuff, two kids, lots of snacks, lots of stops, portable DVD players and lots of patience. 

Sometimes i feel a bit sad that my kids dont know christmas in their home.  When i grew up we only ever spent christmas in our home, going off to my gran for lunch, who lived in the same small town.  Now i wonder if my kids will ever knew the sensation of opening their gifts under their own tree.

But i also know that we make such great memories when we go home.  Sun, sea, surf  and christmas spent with cousins and grandparents.  For a family preparing to move to another country every christmas i can give them like this is precious.  I know that we will have many christmas celebrations alone as a family.

And after wrapping approximately 40 gifts today i am kind of glad to go to someone elses house.

Baby is growing fine with no sign of distress.  I just wish that it was not such a long break to my next scan.  I only get to see peanut again in January.  I am in that weird stage of pregnancy where you no longer feel ill or tired but dont feel huge yet.  So sometimes you wonder if you arent just fat and not pregnant!  However, as pregnancy is making my hair fall out constantly (literally.... my brush is full of it on a daily basis!!!), that is some reminder.

Hope all your christmas planning is going well, whether you are foing to be home or away.

Al

Still here.

A short note to say:

• I am still here.
• Technology has failed me terribly in the last few weeks hence my silence.  Everything crashed from my cell phone to my lap top to my internet connection.  Which seemed like a message from the universe to withdraw and rest my soul.
• I have 3 days left at work and am scrambling to finish all the last minute things to do.
• The christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung, the seaside vacation is booked, the mama is starting to buy the gifts (cos Santa is busy this year and asked for my help)!
• This Mama is going to weep tears of joy when this school year is over.  The last few weeks have been a haze of carols evenings, art exhibitions and prize givings.
• And my sweet boy is seven as of the 1st December and sweet boy number two is turning 4 later this month, which all means lots more madness for the mama.
• AND, the biggest news is that there is a new little baby W on the way, due first week of June, making me 14 weeks and already tired of being pregnant.  But very, very, very happy!

 Lots more news to follow!!

Al

Breathing space

We just got back from a wonderful short September break.  This is the second year that we have done this and it really has sustained us emotionally through the rough end of the year months.  We did lots of nothingness.  We braaied daily.  We visited the cows daily.  We went horse riding.  We walked, rode bikes and flew kites.  We sat around a lot.  We made big fires in the fire place every night.  We read books.  We laughed.  We cocooned.  We refocused.

It was wonderful!
Al

Pause

I feel the need to pause.  Stop and refocus.  I really need to ask myself how i am going to make it until December.  This is such a rat race time of the year.  And i feel it this week more then ever.  I am still thrilled by Spring and holiday promises but i am in that space where suddenly the day to day grind of everyday life wears you down.  I am tired.

The older i get i am more aware that life is mostly grind.  You get up and do millions of little things that make life work.  These things in isolation are not fantastic.  They are most ordinary.  But them together and you have something fantastic.  Your life.  So i am not complaining about the big package.  My life is pretty good and certainly the best it has been but that does not mean that all the little pieces dont become too much to carry sometimes.  They do.

I think that women feel this more then ever.  I sometimes fantasy that i am my husband and that i dont ever think about whats for supper or what medication i must give the kids or whether one of the kids needs new shoes.  I mean ever.  I am not saying that my DH is not amazing, good father etc.  But the reality is that his day to day existence is easier.  The path is straighter.  Less complex.  Imagine going away for work and not worrying about a hundred things, working out menus, buying food and then still worrying that your husband wont know the little things, like how Seth likes his blanket tucked in.  Or that he must kiss Gabby goodnight twice.  Once before I put Seth down and again before i leave the room.  You cant put that on a to do list.

So this morning i set my alarm with good intention.  I was going to get up at 4:30am and go to gym.  But then i had Seth in my bed at 11pm with a stuffy nose and Gabby joined me at 2:30am because his "tummy hurt".  And so when the alarm went off.  I turned it off and went back to sleep.  I felt guilty this morning but then decided that there was always something that i could feel guilty about.  So it was no use adding this to the mix.

I guess, what i am trying to say is that i am realising that part of my exhaustion is realising that right now i am running on empty and that i need to focus on me for a while.  Of course this focusing will happen in the context of all the non avoidable, largely mothering chores that dont ever leave you.

Al

Kalahari delivery

My books are on their way!  Our Amazon is called Kalahari.  And i love, love, love them.  So my joy was great when i got an email saying that my books have been dispatched and should be waiting for me when i get home.

These are my beauties:

I cant wait to get home and indulge.  And yes i added about ten items to my wish list yesterday just browsing.  Time to hide the credit card from myself.

Al

Sorry i am not sorry.

Firstly let me say that the title is not mine. I borrowed it from a blog that i stumble upon.  It was a weigh loss blog and now i cant find it to credit it.  So if the author ever stumbles onto this post.  My apologies.

The post focused on the things that the blogger was not sorry about.  It really made me think.  What are you not sorry about?  What are the things that you do and will continue to do even if it pisses everyone else off?

Well, here are some of the things that Sorry, i am not sorry for:

Sorry, I am not sorry that i am an anal mother.  I know i hover.  I know i overdo it sometimes.  I like my kids to sleep in their own beds in their house.  I struggle to trust baby sitters.  I tell them i love them a zillion times a day.  I struggle being apart from them.  I stress about the long term impact of things that happen to them.  I try a bit hard.  I am psychotically, claw your eyes protective.  And damn it, sorry but i am not sorry about it.  Those are my kids.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont want to hang out with people i dont really like.  When i was younger i had lots of friends.  Or more specifically i had lots of people i knew.  And i hung out with them excessively swinging from one social event to another.  Visits and meals and movies and.  And now i dont want to any more.  I like my own company.  I like silence.  Alot.  I dont want to waste my time on people who frankly i dont care about or like.  I like my kids and my husband and my some of my family.  And if i make an effort to hang out with you please know its because i really like you.  Otherwise i just would not bother.  Really i would not.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont care that i can come across super nerdy and old maidy when i do my crafts and read my thousands of books.  Thing is this is not high school anymore, i am never going to wear a mini skirt, and party like its 1989.  No.  Never.  I am never going to look like a supermodel and i feel okay with that.  I want to do things that make me happy. And some of those things may appear old fashioned or boring.  And thats fine.  I dont want to go to a night club.  But i like my chair and a movie.  Throw in my cross stitch and a cappucino and i am happier then a pig in mud.  So if you come to my house and see me in my comfy unsexy pjs - sorry i am not sorry.

Sorry i am not sorry that i want to do things that are right for me.  For me and my family.  I want to live in another country and thats it.  I am an atheist and thats it.  I dont want to explain why i want to do these things.  I just want to and i believe it all goes black when i die so why not?  I am not going to change my views or my plans to may you happy. 

So thats it.  That feels so good i might do it again some time.  But right now, Sorry i do have to get back to work.

So tell me what are you not sorry for?

Al