Back to the grindstone

Today is my last day off.  Tomorrow the kids are all back at school and i am back at work.  Its been a great two weeks and i feel good.  I feel okay about tomorrow in a resigned kind of way.  I know that i need to work.  I need the stimulation.  I need the money.  I need the independence that the money brings.  I need the respect that work brings.  But of course, as i have mentioned before, this is often a difficult thing for me.  An area where i feel torn. I know that i miss out on family time and the quietness of domestic life when i am at work.  I also know that domestic life is not all that blissful if you do it full time.  I know that the lovely quiteness of being home alone on leave is not the real life of a stay at home mom.  I also know that i take strain if i stay at home with the kids for a long time.  I know that this sounds terrible but it is true.  I am a better mother if i am fuelled with just the right amount of longing and guilt.  I get home after a long day and i am softer when i see my kids.  They are the light at the end of a crazy office day and i am happy to sit on the steps while they bath and listen to them tell me about their day.  We really are never happy.

But i have realised something in the last week or so.  I am decidely unexciting really.  I really like the simple life on the whole.  I dont mind the occassional dinner out or show.  I like to meet up with family and friends and gossip over coffee or drinks but in the main i like to be at home. I like to be with my family.  I like to do my crafts, watch tv, read my books, potter around the place.  These things make me happy even though they would have made me cringe when i was 21.  In reality i always liked these things and my happiest memories of being in my mother's home are ones that involve these activities.  But when you are an educated liberated woman these things are decidely old fashioned and not that cool.  Now i am getting to old and tired to pretend that i dont like doing things that i actually do.  I like to bake biscuits and feed them to my kids so that i wont eat them all.  I like to put on my pj's at 5pm when i get home from work and watch tv and do my cross stitch.  When i have a great book i cant wait to get into bed at 8pm when my kids are sleeping and read for two hours solid.

SO, with the perspective of the two weeks break i need to find time to embrace these things because they calm me and make me happy.  They are my simple joys.  I need to manage my work stress and remind myself that i work as a source of fulfillment and to ensure that i have financial stability which in turn gives me joy and allows me the opportunity to experience many things.  I know that this is easier said then done and come tomorrow i will walk into my office and face emails, staff, drama, clients, political demands.  But, i need to take a deep breath and remind myself crudely that "you have seen this shit before, girl...."  I cant be shaken but just put my head down and work methodically.

See you tomorrow back in the office....
Al

E.E Cummings

 

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) 

may my heart always be open to little... (19) by E. E. Cummings

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile 

I have always loved the poems of EE Cummings.  They just speak to me.  Just want to share these two that i stumbled onto online.  They made me smile....

There is no place like home

We are back home.  What a wonderful holiday.  But i was happy when finally we pulled into our street and we were home.  Now i have piles of suitcases by my front door, bags of food to unpack, laundry to face.  But that will still be there tomorrow.  I was happy to make myself a cup of coffee and settle on my favourite chair and just be happy to be back in my space.  Even the kids were happy to go off to the playroom and play with their toys that they missed.

We had a wonderful time.  The weather turned out lovely and we spent every day on the beach.  What bliss!

Al

My bags are packed and i am ready to go....

Shew!  Shew! Shew!  Going away is never easy on moms!  Today i have packed all the bags for the trip tomorrow morning.  This included, but was not limited to:

• Packing four suitcases with clothes for any eventuality.
• Packing food for the first couple of days including the biscuits i had baked for the trip and all the staples such as coffee, tea, sugar, salt etc.
• Packing toiletries for all of us.
• Packing every medication, plaster etc that you can possibly think of ... just in case.
• Packing costumes, beach mats, beach toys, sunscreen etc.
• Freezing drinks, getting snacks and games together for the road.\
• Getting out a new craft project for the trip.
• Kindly harassing DH to do his bit such as sorting out the car and trailer, when i really wanted to scream: "Have you taken any notice of how much i have bloody done today?  Now get off the couch and do your bloody bit!".

All of this was done amongst the clamour of overexcited kids who go crazy at the sight of suitcases.

THEN.....

I had to:

• Hide the easter eggs in the garden for the easter egg hunt.
• Supervise the easter egg hunt so that the little W got a chance to find some eggs.
• Share out the easter eggs found.
• Put out the easter egg bags.
• Get out the easter eggs and toys for tomorrow morning while my kids were in the bath!

In between domestic life such as cooking supper did not stop.   In my exhaustion i cooked a giant pot of mac and cheese and shovelled it into the W's mouths.

Now it is nearly bedtime.  Everything is ready although i am still wandering around and sticking last minute items into the bags.  I am tired but positive.  I am looking forward to sinking my toes into the warm sand and watching the blue Indian ocean wash over my feet.

Al

The calling of the sea

"Sea-Fever"

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

By John Masefield (1878-1967).

The skies are grey over Johannesburg still!  But the sea is calling........

Family fun

Firstly i wanted to share these cutie pies with you.  These were taken last week at the theme park when we went out for the day.  Arent the carousel horse photos lovely?

I spent a wonderful day with an old friend today, who i have not seen in over a year.  And like any two old friends i picked her up and started jibber jabbering.  We had coffee and muffins and spoke and spoke and spoke.  No holds barred, just spilling the beans.  Life, men, money, some gossip.  It was wonderful.  I realised how much i missed talking to her.  But i also realised that as i get older i am aware that i have some wonderful women in my life who i dont speak to often but that mean a lot to me.  Friends whose friendships dont rely upon constant contact.  I hold them dear to my heart.

I am starting to hear the calling of the sea.  The weather is awful here in Johannesburg.  Gray skies and rain.  But at this point i dont care.  I will walk on the beach in the pouring rain.  I just need to get to the shore.  Ever have that feeling?  I am looking forward to a quiet weekend, with family movies tomorrow and then the packing and planning before we leave on Easter Sunday for the coast.

I've got a feeling that this holiday is going to be great! (wink, wink!)

Al

Chillaxing

I love that silly word.  And it really describes where i am right now.  My leave started on Monday and this is my third day off.  It has been bliss to just stay at home and rest.  I must admit that yesterday i had a bit of cabin fever as Jason's car had to go into the panelbeaters and i was stuck at home.  But i was forced to rest and relax.  I have been working on my cross stitch UFO, my huge angel sampler that i started 3 years ago.  I am now attaching hundreds, and i mean hundreds of beads by hand!  It looks beautifukl but is rather painful.  I am forcing myself to finish it so that i can start my brother's wedding sampler for October.

Otherwise i am so looking forward to our week at the sea.  We are leaving on Sunday and i have been stocking up with beach toys and some cool summer clothes.  I am taking advantage of all the summer sales.

So right now i am just resting and it really is fantastic!

Al