Allison's handmade life

The prickles along the way.

2011-07-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

Things are getting much better here. I feel like i am starting to find my feet slowly. I am starting to feel that three kids are the norm. The strangeness is lifting.

I am so grateful that i have everyday help. I know that i am really one of the very few people who have been lucky enough to have a full time maid when all three of my kids are babies. At least in the craziness of the last six weeks i have been lucky enough not to worry about cleaning up. Every day my lovely domestic arrives at 8am. I lie in bed and hear the dishes clinking in the kitchen sink. By the time i get up the kitchen is clean and i am able to make my morning coffee without the chaos from the night before. Better still my nanny will also happily take Lily from me and entertain her while i eat breakfast in peace.

I can leave her with her while i am able to have a quiet shower and even run off to the shops. At the end of the day my house is spotless, i have had an hour or two to myself and the family is happy. I have been so lucky to have all this support through all three of my early baby days. I often chat to people living in other countries and dont have this support system. I have so much respect for these moms. I dont know how they are cope and am aware of how lucky i am.

There are still some prickles along the way. I find that Lily is very much an arms baby. She doesnt want to put down even when sleeping so i end up carrying her around a lot. This really ties up my time. I am reading a lot and end up watching TV but feel frustrated that i cant do more crafts or activities. Thankfully she is sleeping well so i feel good in the day. But i cant translate that into productivity as Miss is constantly in my arms.

I have also been struggling with the boys lately and feel like my patience is running out. They seem so noisy and loud. I feel like i spend my life telling them not to jump near their sister, not to shout when i have just got her to sleep. And Gabriel seems to be constantly testing the boundaries, trying his luck with me. He is driving me crazy. I know i just need to wait for this stage to pass..

But the prickles are getting less..... Nothing like a good nights sleep to put things into perspective.

Al

Sweet faces of Lily

2011-06-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

I know they say "A face that only a mother can love..."

But i am of the opinion that when it comes to Ms Lily she has a face that anyone can love.

I am falling more in love with her everyday and let me tell you its an easy thing to do.

She is my last and i am enjoying every moment. This sweet ending, satisfied, knowing what i am doing part of motherhood. The sweet last moments of a long process. Of course i know i am being a bit melodramatic here. I have three kids and am going to be a mother for the rest of my life. But i am not going to be the mother to a newborn for very much longer.

That has its own wonder. Its own magic. Its own relief (Yes it does!!!). Its own sadness.

But i am not dwelling on it too long.

I am just focusing on loving and savouring the sweet little faces of this baby girl.

Al

At this moment....

2011-06-07T01:31:00.000-07:00

I am:

Pretty much smitten with this sweet little girl. I cant wait for the rest of the family to go off to work and school and let the two of us go back to bed, to snooze and coo together. We are getting to know each other, sussing each other out. Its the best sweetest part of new motherhood, when the boundaries between you and baby are still transient and open. They are still you and you are still them.
Loving the way that my voice quietens her, the feel of me comforts her, the way that her eyes seek me out.
Trying to guage whether i am getting the first smile or not. My head tells me its too early, my heart tells me - she's trying to smile at me!!
Trying to still be as available for the boys as i was before. Feeling like i am failing a bit. I feel like they are growing up in front of me. I remember this happening with Gabriel when Seth was born. When the new baby arrives, the old "baby" seems to grow overnight. Part of you is so relieved when they go to sleep without you or pick themselves up and dust themselves off without you. Another part is devastated because you know that these changes are forever. That they have read the writing on the wall and have changed with it.
Am finally feeling better physically and emotionally. I am starting to feel less pain when i get up or move around. I am driving. I am starting to find a box for Lily's birth, that was not my personal choice but that still is ok. The point is that she is here and that any birth is an experience, that has its own life. It passes. You need to make sense of it, for what is was and not for what you wanted it to be. So i wasnt in control of that experience. I am in control of how i want to feel about it now. I am in control of what happens going forward with my daughter.
I am happy that life is creeping back into its old routine. That we are starting to change our routines to fit her in. I am starting to get a glimpse that in days to come, there will be a routine where she fits in perfectly and it all works again.
I am savouring those perfect moments when all three kids are together and i know that this is my family and that everyone who is supposed to be here is here. That there is no more waiting required. Eight years ago, i was struggling to conceive and i remember having a good cry after yet another failed pregnancy tests. Here i am with a full home, a full heart surrounded by my children, feeling more content then i ever have before...

Baby Lilith Lucy Valerie

2011-06-06T04:22:00.000-07:00

On the 24th May 2011 my daughter was born. What a moment. It was so different from the boys births and i am still trying to make sense of it all. She was born via a c section after she had the cord wrapped multiple times around her neck. I was so petrified of the procedure. Much more then i was with the natural births. I had always felt that no matter how painful the births were, i was in control and that i could have delivered the kids alone if i had to. Lily's birth was surgical, clinical. It was magical when they took her out and lay her on my chest but i still felt detached from the process, although not from her.

It was not the birth that i would have chosen although it was physically easier. Emotionally i found it harder. But there were also factors. Having a daughter brought about a lot of additional emotions for me. I had my tubes tied on the table which was a choice that i made. I dont want any other additional children but it was hard for me to accept that i would never have other children. When i had Gabby i knew that i desperately wanted more children. When i had Seth, i hoped that i would have more children. With Lily i knew that she would be my last. This is exactly how i would have wanted it and i could not have chosen a better family then i have. But there is something about knowing that your child bearing years are over. When i had my baby blues for a couple of days this was a big issue for me. That i would never be pregnant again, wonder about the gender of the baby, what would baby look like? I know that i would never cope with four children or would want four children but it was still a process for me.

The good thing is that i am so determined to enjoy Lily. And i am enjoying her. She is such a princess and so loved by the family. Two weeks down the line it feels like she was never not here. I recovered pretty well from the C section. I was able to leave the hospital after two days and come home which was a huge relief. I missed the boys terribly and wanted to be in my own environment. Not being able to drive was another issue for me. I hated being stuck at home and dependent on everyone. I am happily behind the wheel again although i am just doing short trips to the shops nearby and to the schools to collect the children. It has done me the world of good!

Baby care has been easy. It is tiring but at least as a third baby, the princess is benefitting from the auto parent that i have become. I am still a pro at the mundane tasks of feeding, burping, changing, putting to sleep! At this age the tasks are easy but just exhausting in their never ending routine. I am struggling with the nights but not as bad as i did with the boys. She is still waking every two to three hours which can be a killer. The worst part has been that she was born in the middle of winter here. It is terrible! I miss the hot summer nights that i enjoyed with my December boys! They only wore vests and nappies. Changing them was a breeze. Now midnight nappy changes require removing loads of clothes and blankets.

Mostly i am grateful right now. Grateful that my family is complete. That i have my beautiful daughter. That she is healthy. That the family have adapted so well to her presence. That the birth is over. That i can start to enjoy her.

Al

The littlest princess

2011-04-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

Today was 4D scan time.

Ms Lilith has already begun to move down in anticipation of her arrival, so some of the photos were not the clearest. The placenta that she was using as a pillow was casting a shadow over her face in many of the photos.

But i was still happy with this cute shot of her sucking her thumb. I took the boys with me which was a good albeit painful memory making process! They got bored after all of 5 mins and started to squirm and ask me when we would be done. But it was wonderful to see her and know that all is well.

The thing with a healthy pregnancy is that it really involves a lot of patience while baby just settles down and grows. Nothing really required from you. I keep on reminding myself that this is how it should be and how lucky i am not to have had a pregnancy where there has been drama. The Wainwright offspring appear to be quite comfortable in utero and happy to nest down, grow and come out almost to the day on their expected due date. They really are a co-operative lot! :)

Go wonderfully,
Al

34 candles

2011-03-30T02:44:00.000-07:00

Last week friday was my birthday. And no i did not have 5 candles! More like 34! How time flies.

I had a good birthday, with so many kind wishes, gifts, phone calls, message from around the globe. Sometimes one can feel so caught up in the madness of your own small existence. Feel like you are the only one with a sick child, wondering what to cook for dinner, trying to cope with work that it helps to be reminded occassionally that you are part of a larger network of relationships. And nothing speaks to these relationships more then someone taking the time to phone you, send you a message, buy a gift, spend time with you... Thank you to all for the energy that you shared with me. Especially my busy mom friends!

To be honest i have never ever had real birthday anxiety. I have always harboured the closet view that those who have real issues about getting old feel unfulfilled or wish that they had made different life decisions. Birthdays always give me the opportunity to reflect on my life and i largely like what i see, what i remember. I think that my decisions have been largely sound or at least i have been able to live with the consequences. Of course hindsight is 20/20. Of course i had not dated that moron in high school. Of course i wish i was a more patient mother. Of course i wish that parts of my childhood were different. But, that being said the only way to survive adulthood in a healthy fashion is to acknowledge that you did the best that you could with what you had, at the time and move on.

The point for me as i reach that annual milestone is that i am really grateful for the good decisions that i have made:

The good memories that i carry from my family of beginning, no matter how dysfunctional some of it was and that i was able to manage the negative experiences, taking from them what mattered and not allowing them to affect my life going forward.
The fact that i invested the time in my studies when i was young, was able to seek out a career that fulfills me, that makes me thing, that i am proud of.
The fact that i met my husband, married him and get to enjoy the kind of connection with a healthy individual that is really precious.
The fact that we have been able to have 3 children and have the kind of family that i always wanted.
The fact that at 34 i have still kept my sense of adventure, that i am still able to dream about packing up the zoo, getting on a plane, flying to a foreign country and starting all over again. Most importantly that i trust myself and Jason enough to do that. That after all life's knocks that i still feel in control of my own destiny.

So happy birthday to me! See you in a years time Birthday girl and keep your chin up until then!

Al

The little engine that could

2011-03-24T04:06:00.000-07:00

A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I--think--I--can, I--think--I--can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."

Sometimes you have to have a little optimism in life. We all have those days when you wake up, peek out at the world and want to weep, pull the covers over your head and scream: "Hell No!" However when you are a working parent with a gazillion responsibilities that is really not an option. I had a morning like that. Seth had us up with a nightmare at 3am, the alarm went off at 5:50am, i lay there for 5 mins thinking: "I cant get out of this bed...." Then i got out of bed, i resisted the urge to throw my pillow at my cat, just because he was flaunting his stretched out sleep on the floor and dragged my sorry self to the shower.

So here i am, a couple of hours later reminding myself that i dont have to like today but i certainly have to survive it. Just put one foot in front of the next one, and so on.

Optimism has a special place in my hear this week because of my son. I was reminded that bravery comes in different guises and that we can help others to be brave through our small actions. This is the story of Gabriel and soccer. Gabby is lean, strong, runs like the wind and swims like a fish. But he hates soccer. He used to love it, thanks to years of soccer stars that i dutifully paid for at creche. But then he had one bad incident. He went to a birthday party, soccer was played, he hit the ball with his hand, his team got a penalty. He felt crap. He started to hate soccer. Just like that. Confidence zero. When i spoke to him, he said: "I am no good at soccer, Mom...." My poor child.

On Monday i fetch him from school and he announces with conviction that he wont be going to school on Thursday. As you can imagine, i did a double take and asked why? The reason its the interhouse soccer games and he does not want to play. To be honest for a split second my heart broke and i just wanted to keep him home, feed him sweets, let him watch TV and cocoon him in maternal love and affection. But then the more sane more part of me kicked in and I said No. But i also knew that he needed a bit more then that.

And thats where wonder dad comes in..... Hurray!

When Jason got home i cornered him in the kitchen and said: "Tonight you are teaching your son to play soccer, properly!" What a star, he got hold of Gabby after supper and bath, set up a soccer field on my coffee table using my coasters and other objects, explained all the rules, found a soccer match on TV and went through the rules using examples from play. By the end of the evening we had a much happier little boy. Last night he got out cones and a ball and practised dribbling with him. I bought him new soccer shoes and YAY!

He played yesterday at school with his friends and came back happy as can be. He was glowing, telling me how he remembered what Dad told him and did fine. I almost had a teary mom moment in the car. Today he is dressed up, happy as can be off to his match, no anxiety....

This whole thing really got me thinking about how we have to manage the impact of the experiences that our children have, even when we cant manage the experiences. How we have to put things into perspective for them, pick them up and dust them off, remind them how much we believe in them. Because sometimes we all need someone to say: "I love you kid, no go and shine!!" And shining does not mean scoring a goal. It means getting to the field, goofing around with your friends, enjoying the day, coming home. I also realised how grateful i am for the man that i chose to be Dad to my kids. I love him most when i can see how much he adores the kids and how he is willing to manifest that love in the time, commitment and input that he puts into their lives.

So if Gabby can go and play soccer........ I can get through this week.

Al

Monday ramblings

2011-03-14T02:42:00.000-07:00

I typed a whole post. I deleted it. It didnt seem real. It was all about balance and how i need it. But that is old news and i just felt like i was stating the obvious. I am pregnant, tired, working hard, juggling - balance is the glue that holds my life together right now. I dont always get it right.

I actually had a pretty good weekend. I rested. We braaied. We swam. We were at home together. I realised that my life is not that bad. It was like a giant kick in the bum, get with the programme moment. I felt better. I wont say that i was engulfed in gratitude what with my swollen ankles and what not but hey!

I am trying to rest a bit more, do a bit less, laugh with the kids, talk to them. They make me laugh. They are pretty cool. I like the fact that they are getting personalities. I hope that they will still want to come to my house and my table when they are all grown up and talk to me. I would like that.

I did some work on the princess's room. It looks good. I do a double take everytime i walk past the room on the way to the loo. It is a lot of pink and purple. It doesnt really feel like it belongs there after years of blue. I still feel overwhelmed a bit by having a daughter. But hey i felt overwhelmed with Gabriel, because he was first. I felt overwhelmed with Seth, because how was i going to cope with two. I am of the opinion that a lot of parenthood is about sinking or swimming. And as sinking is not really an option, i have to just put my water wings on and make the best of it.

Lots of rambling- with a basic message. I am fine. My life is trundling along. I dont particularly want to kill my hubby or kids. I dont want to kill any of my colleagues (at least not today!). I am seeing Ms Peanut again at the doctor on wednesday. I think i am going to make it.

Barbie blues

2011-03-01T01:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i posted the first of these posters onto Facebook. Like most of my facebook comments it was done in the spur of the moment. I came across the poster, it resonated with me and i decided to post it. I didnt really think about it too much. I often think that facebook is like a stream of consciousness dialogue whereas my blog requires real conscious thought. So I posted it. It is not really a secret that i dont like barbie. I dont look like Barbie at all. I have never really identified with her. And i think i need to thank my mom that i didnt really feel bad about it.

I have always been overweight. Check me out in my preschool photos and i am the kid who is plump. But the thing is i never grew up feeling plump or inferior or anything. I grew up feeling just great. My mom screwed up a lot of things but on self esteem building she scored an A+. She didnt tell me everyday that she thought that i was wonderful. She didnt have to. I knew that she thought i was wonderful and beautiful. I knew it as surely as i knew the sky was blue.

As i grew older, thankfully much older i got more exposed to negative messaging about my appearance and my body. The thing that really got me was that most of this negativity was not from a positive stance. It didnt tell me in a factual way that being overweight was unhealthy or would effect my body in the following ways. Most of it just came from the slant that you:

Cant be happy, gorgeous and fabulous if you are not perfectly thin, have a straight nose and clear skin.
That you will not be accepted, that you wont be loved, get married, have kids if you dont look perfect.
That you have to fit this predestined idea of what is attractive.

I tried. I spent a lot of my adolescence trying hard to fit the mould, be prettier, be thinner, be BETTER!

But then one day i stopped and looked around me and realised some things:

I was pretty happy. I actually liked my life. I was still overweight but i didnt think about it all the time. I was married. He seemed to really love me. We had great kids. We had great sex and it was not all about how i looked.
There were lots of other thin people out there that were not that happy, even though they fit the mould.
In my social work practice i also realise that there were a lot of really beautiful women out there who got treated like real crap by their partners. That even if they looked really hot in lingere their partners still were unfaithful.

And it was like exhaling. It doesnt mean that i dont want to lose weight. It doesnt mean that i dont see a great dress and think "I wish i could squeeze my ass into that!!!" But i think it and it is over.

The hard thing for me now is not to judge others who are a different stage in their lives. I am not really a make up, high heels, blow dry your hair kind of girl. Okay, i am not at all. If you see me in full war paint, it means one of three things:

I am at a funeral or wedding.
I am at a job interview.
I am on a real wild party night (which with almost 3 kids is never and normally involved a swipe of lipstick and mascara!)

I will admit it: I went on a date with my husband and had to look for 20 mins to find my make up bag (I only carry lipstick in my bag for emergencies!)

So it becomes so easy for me to judge others who spend huge amounts of time on their appearances. As much as they probably judge me for not spending huge amounts of time on my appearance. Go figure!

I got some flak yesterday. It turned into a typical bimbo versus slob fight. Which pissed me off. And then saddened me a lot. Because i often wonder what drives women to turn on each other as much as we do.

But at least i left the whole thing feeling more sure of who i am, and who i want my daughter to be. I dont mind if she is beautiful. I know that she will be. Breathtaking to me. But i want her to know that no matter what she looks like she is worthy, fantastic, that she can never be insignificant to me.

Thanks Mom.

Blog award!

2011-02-28T00:29:00.000-08:00

What a great way to start the morning! Especially a Monday morning. Much thanks to Angelique from "Isnt Life grand?" for her kind nomination for a blog award. You can check out her great blog at http://angie-isntlifegrand.blogspot.com/ . I love finding blogs by other South African moms!

Part of the nomination is to share some things about myself and as i do like to talk about myself (she says in jest!!), here goes:

I am a mom to almost three little ones. My sons are 7 and 4 years old and we are expecting a little girl in June. This fills me with great joy and some fear. I am trying to get me head around being the mom to a girl and what that means.
I am an addictive reader who averages a book or two a week. I can by pass a shoe sale with ease but need to go into every second hand book shop i see.
We are in the process of applying for a permanent visa to live in Australia. This is exciting but can also make you feel like your life is on hold a bit.
We would ideally like to live in Melbourne. I grew up by the sea in the Eastern Cape and would love to return to the shore again.
I am a social worker by profession and specialise in victim services. My husband is a logical, scientist who works in the computer science field. We once had a real fight for two days because he told me that one day computer scientists will build a computer that will be able to diagnose mental illness. REALLY, We did!
I am a real home body that finds great comfort within the walls of my home, loves family and embraces my time with them.
I would love to visit Russia one day. I love the architecture and the foreigness of the culture.

I would also like to nominate the following blogs for the award:
http://cindysmemoirsoftime.blogspot.com/ (Cindys Corner)
http://morninglorycottage.blogspot.com/ (Morning glory cottage)
http://its-our-life-for-six.blogspot.com (Urban homestead South Africa)
http://apronthriftgirl.typepad.com/apron_thrift_girl/(Apron thrift girl)

Thanks again Angelique! :)

Al

Girls stuff

2011-02-25T04:17:00.000-08:00

I was reading another blog about parents living vicariously by buying toys for their kids.

I am a terrible (by that i mean prolific) toy buyer so I can identify. But my purchases have been tempered slightly by the fact that i have two boys. I love the joy of giving them lego and other toys that bring on squeals of joy, but dont feel the same glee because lets face it i didnt dream of playing with fire trucks, lego, hot wheels cars etc.

But now with a daughter on the way i find myself fantasising about a whole new level of indulgence. Now dont picture barbie castles and princess palaces. I am just not that kind of girl. I didnt really do the doll stuff too much. I think that the rag dolls and other cuddlies are cute but dont remember every fantasising about having a barbie malibu mansion with a corvette in the driveway.

Books. Now books are an addiction. They still are. As a child i always dreamt of having a huge library that was all mine. I have bought a load of books for the boys, that also reflect my childhood reading. They have all the Roald Dahls, lots of Hardy boys and Willard Price. And yes, i did read Willard Price. They have lots of Famous five and other Enid Blytons. So i thought that i had covered all bases.

Until i stuck my head into the hospice shop the other day and there on the shelf were two Nancy Drews. I had an AHA moment. I could buy all the girls books! Joy! Bliss! A whole new world of book buying opened up to me. She can read all the books i have bought already but there are lots more experiences waiting for her (and me).

And she is not the only little W on my mind when i think of books. Right now i am in a kind of ecstatic bliss about Gabby's reading. This year he has started to read alone. As in take a book and lie on his bed and read. I go down the passage and peek in the door and when i see him lying on his bed reading, i get warm and fuzzy inside. I get it. We share something! My hard work for the past 7 years has paid off. It inspires me to keep reading to Seth. He loves it and i live in hope that we will all read together. Two mornings ago Gabby confided in me that he was tired because he snuck the light on after i had put him in bed to read "Just one more page from James and the Giant Peach mommy. I just had to know what came next."

And i didnt scold him.
How could i, be there so many times, baby boy!

Al

Home truths about motherhood.

2011-02-23T01:34:00.000-08:00

The things about motherhood is that it doesnt get any easier.
Well on some level it does because you do get to the point where you can feed, burp, change nappies, soothe kids, put kids to sleep, even feed multiple kids as the table without any real extertion. Things that seemed to require a project management schedule with baby number one, are not really a challenge. You can see the experienced moms at the playgrounds. They dont even pause their conversations to wipe noses, put on jerseys, even hand out the occassional well aimed swot. No sweat at all. Just do it and move on.

So as i face becoming a mother for the third time i dont really think about all of that. After two children i know some essential home truths about motherhood. As Oprah would say, things "I know for sure..."

That motherhood is the single most exhausting thing that you will ever do. It seems easy broken up into little parts but doing all those little parts for about 20 years adds up to a lot of calories burnt (even though you would never say so looking at my figure.).
That privacy goes out the window when you have kids. Weeing alone, bathing alone, having a shower without someone sticking his head through the curtain is not an option.
BUT, and here is the real humdinger, you dont seem to mind. Sure in the beginning the lack of sleep kills you but once you get used to walking around like a zombie, well then its all downhill from there.
And at the end of the day it is all essentially worth it. Worth it in a undescribable way. Where you dont want to be one of those smug moms and say "You need kids to be complete" but you also know that you could never live without your kids and your life is fantastic with them. And that they do complete you in a glorious way.

So as the weeks start running down towards little madams arrival I know that its going to be hard work and i might just die physically but i also know that i will emotionally revived on some level, that time will fly and soon she will just be part of the day to day happy madness of my life.

As I speak i have a friend waiting desperately to go into labour with her first child. And as a friend I am driven by the need, when we speak to make her understand how very hard and magical it will all be. But i also know that this is an impossible wish and that each of us need to take that journey alone. Its just part of earning your motherhood badge.

I've lost that loving feeling

2011-02-22T03:53:00.000-08:00

Just 6 weeks ago we were all fresh from a coastal summer holiday.

We had tans, real tans and we were not very grumpy. We even started missing JHB after two weeks in sleepy little East London. We missed the drama and the smog. Were we crazy? Yes of course we were, but the point is we felt fabulous. Granted my kids were trying to kill each other after a month of unbroken time in each others company. But look at these pictures, we were beachy, bubbly and still had sand in our shoes.

Now we have kind of lost our sparkle a bit. We are happy about Miss Peanut's continued growth and the new addition but damn life is pretty mundane at present. We are Mad with a capital M. Work is crazy, kids social lives are crazy. School is busy. Mom is tired. Mom is grumpy. Dad is laying low from grumpy mom. Mom is counting the weeks till maternity leave. And 13 weeks seem a long time.

Mom is getting miserable about even happy things like decorating Miss P's room. I am pissed at the sheer task of painting walls and re-carpeting floors. I want to have enough money to go on a holiday and give instructions and come back and BAM..... it is all perfect. I dont want to organise a painter or get carpet quotes or have curtains made. I want to be a lady of leisure. Sigh.

So we are all day counting. Slightly perked after we saw the public holidays in April.... only 6 weeks away.

We've got to get out of this place. Not sure if a weekend break at 32 weeks pregnant will be feasible but i am looking into it.

Al

Mid pregnancy exhaustion

2011-02-10T02:30:00.000-08:00

Now saying that you are pregnant and tired is like repeating yourself. After three pregnancies I know this too well. But that is a small consolation when you are in the midst of it all. I think back fondly to my first pregnancy. When i could come home from work, growl at Jason to feed himself, feed myself a giant chocolate and go to bed. Now i come home, go to the shop, fetch child one, fetch child two, stop kids from killing each other other, make supper, stop my kids from eating snacks before said supper, feed my kids, bath my kids, let my kids watch tv because i am tired, feel guilty because i am vegging while they are staring at the idiot box, do the school bag clean out, do homework, have some meaningful engagement with kids about their day, get kids to sleep, fight with kids to sleep, get water for kids to drink, put the pillows just right and tuck them in AGAIN and finally collapse on the couch at about 8:15pm.

I then lie there in a daze of exhaustion wondering how i am going to get up at 5:45 and start all over again. This week Seth was ill. This added a whole new spanner in the works as i now had to get up at 11pm and 1am to give nose spray, fix pillows, administer calpol and finally take him to my bed where he proceeded to lie on top of me, even though he had a temprature which made me want to die with the heat.

All of the above does not equate restful pregnancy. Most it equates me collapsing into bed as soon as possible, arranging multiple pillows around me and snoring gracefully.

But the other thing i have learnt is that complaining helps Niks! So anyway tomorrow morning i will get up again and go through the motions and be very grateful it is weekend.

The good news is that we are going to see the princess on the small screen again on Monday the 14th.

Its been a while.

Al

Walking through mud

2011-01-27T01:09:00.000-08:00

I am having a bit of day.

Or a bit of a week.

I am jus tired i guess. But i wish that i was at home, on my couch, with the tv on and my sewing. Some brainless soothing activity required.

Why do i feel like this? Not sure? Could be pregnancy. Could be the immigration stuff that never stops. Could be that i dont really like work right now, for no apparent reason.

This week is dragging at my heels, clutching at my ankles and refusing to let go. I need it to be friday afternoon, 3pm but instead each second is tiptoeing along.

One step at a time, Al..... one step at a time!

Right now.......

2011-01-26T02:41:00.000-08:00

Its raining again. It never seems to end. It has been raining on and off for the last 2 months.
I have a stove again. A new shiny black one. Now we are all holding thumbs that it bakes well this weekend.
Ms Peanut has grown in size, i swear in days and reassures with kicks on a daily basis.
We are off to supper with a friend who is alone on his birthday tonight. Just because no-one should be alone on their birthday, dont you agree?
I have still done one solitary letter on my alphabet sampler. Shame. The situation must be remedied.
My maid got baby inspiration yesterday and set up my baby cot. It brought back so many memories. When i walked into my room and saw it there, i could not believe that Seth was four. It seems like only yesterday that i was doing night vigil over that cot.
This week is crawling along and i really need a weekend. Please?

Captured on film!

2011-01-25T00:34:00.000-08:00

I need to get my butt into gear and do some scrapbooking. Like yesterday. I was pretty good when we got back and i was on leave and i managed to wade through all the xmas photos and get them done. I even started an album for Ms peanut and scrapped her pregnancy test. Then my scrapbooking desk got cleaned and even though everything looks lovely and clean i lost my momentum. Why can i only work in quasi chaos?

I now have a pack of wonderful pics, including the ones above that need to be filed away. I find that with the ever growing family, some scrapping is really heartfelt family scrapping and other is just chore scrapping. This does not mean that scrapping is EVER a chore but it is about capturing all the routine xmas, birthday, karate, sport and school photos that stream in continously and get so lost. If i dont keep up i land up with boxes of photos that can quickly become meaningless even if they are really important and mean a lot to the kids. So i need to do something!!!

I have started Ms peanut's baby sampler so feel pretty good about that. I forgot how long cross stitch can take. So after a week i have done the central letter M. It is an alphabet sampler of baby elephants. I can do another 24 weeks, excluding the border so I need to move this along.

Otherwise Ms Peanut is fine, just getting stronger and kicking me on a regular basis. There are no complaints from her mama because it is reassuring to know that all is fine and she is growing in leaps and bounds.

On the home front i have had domestic drama. We have had loads of rain here and this led to electrical work that needed to be done, work on my geyser and then my stove decided to call it a day. My new stove arrived yesterday and they are installing it today. I think that my biggest concern is that my oven will bake well. The old stove really needed to be replaced but i hung onto it because the oven baked so well. I am planning to try it out this weekend and hope i am not disappointed.

But we are sailing towards the end of January and cannot believe how quickly time flies. The boys are all fine with Gabby settling into grade two with barely a peep. Seth has started speech therapy last week and is doing so well already. Just more homework for mom!!

Go gently and be wonderful!
Al

Its a girl!

2011-01-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

Its a girl!

I am in shock. Well, i am less in shock then last week when i first heard. It has started to make sense but i still have moments when i will be in the shower or about to go to sleep and think, i am going to have a daughter. It doesnt seem real to me. Last week wednesday i went for my scan and the cord was lying over the relevant area. I decided that i was not leaving without knowing and hopped up and down and coughed frantically until she obliged.

When the doc said it was a girl i didnt really believe her and she had to show me clearly on the screen.

Since then i have sorted out the boys stored baby stuff and have bought some pink stuff.

On the home front i have two more days before i go back to work and the kids go back to school. I am actually looking forward to it. I need to say it. The kids are driving me nuts. How do people stay at home with their kids? And god forbid homeschool? And not kill them?

I am happy to go back to the office and shoulder motherhood guilt that will inspire me to be happy, inspired and positive when i get home.

On the new years eve front i dont have real resolutions, except to sort out the little irritating repairs that i need done at my home, survive having the new baby and the first couple of months, try to lose some of the pregnancy weight post baby and finalise my oz stuff. As i get older i try to have only one real resolution: To get through the year, with the greatest amount of joy and happiness in my life. I try not to sweat the small stuff as i become more aware that most of the little stuff is meaningless.

So it will be a pink year after all....

Happy new year

2011-01-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

2011 is here. I am glad. 2010 was a crazy year but i am glad its over. I have a good feeling abou the year to come. 2010 saw my boys growing up at a mad pace. Gabby starting school, learning to read, becoming such a little boy. Seth finally found his tongue and made me wonder why i thought he would ever be mute. And of course sperm met egg and little peanut was concieved. We worked hard. We played hard, pulling off three great family holidays. But we were all a little relieved when we could say "Totsiens 2010! "

I am still on holiday for another week or so and glad to be home after our holiday at the coast. It was good to be away but the holiday itself was disappointing. Its far to travel and although it is wonderful to see family, I find that moving a young family away from their routine and home for two weeks is a nightmare. I am glad to be home, cook in my own kitchen, have all my belongings around me, the trappings of my life surrounding me.

Peanut continues to grow in leaps and bounds. I last saw the doctor at the end of November and am looking forward to my appointment on wednesday the 5th January. I had a long gap because we were away and the holidays were on. But on the 29th December s/he gave me their first real strong kicks. Three, on after the other as i lay reading and now it is felt daily. It is comforting and so familiar to feel those little kicks. It reminds me so much of my sons, who are now such little boys at 4 and 7. This pregnancy is flying and i cant believe i am halfway through. I keep trying to tell myself to step back and to savour the moments as this will be my last but I am so caught up in the process of life with two kids that i often forget.

Everyone thinks that we desperately want a daughter but its not true. Truth is that i have a slight fear of having a daughter and i just love my sons. Being a woman is complicated and i dont think i am ready to deal with bringing a daughter into the chaos. Sons are adoring, uncomplicated. Truth is that whatever happens i will be happy as i had given up on having a third child at all. But people drive me a bit crazy by imposing their ideas of what i want onto me. I dont want sympathy for having three beautiful sons. I know that if the doctor says its a boy i will just smile and think "Thats exactly as it was meant to be!"

I had a wonderfully quiet new year and hope that yours was restful and safe.

To a new year and new beginnings,
Al

Getting ready for christmas

2010-12-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

We get ready for christmas twice.

First we decorate our own home. We put upour advent calendar, fill the baskets with chocolates. Mom buys gifts galore, wrapping goes on under cover.

Then we pack upour life a couple of days before christmas and travel down to the coast on the annual pilgrimage to be with our family. Its been eleven years since we left the small town where we grew up and we still call it going home. It involves a very full car and a trailer full of stuff, two kids, lots of snacks, lots of stops, portable DVD players and lots of patience.

Sometimes i feel a bit sad that my kids dont know christmas in their home. When i grew up we only ever spent christmas in our home, going off to my gran for lunch, who lived in the same small town. Now i wonder if my kids will ever knew the sensation of opening their gifts under their own tree.

But i also know that we make such great memories when we go home. Sun, sea, surf and christmas spent with cousins and grandparents. For a family preparing to move to another country every christmas i can give them like this is precious. I know that we will have many christmas celebrations alone as a family.

And after wrapping approximately 40 gifts today i am kind of glad to go to someone elses house.

Baby is growing fine with no sign of distress. I just wish that it was not such a long break to my next scan. I only get to see peanut again in January. I am in that weird stage of pregnancy where you no longer feel ill or tired but dont feel huge yet. So sometimes you wonder if you arent just fat and not pregnant! However, as pregnancy is making my hair fall out constantly (literally.... my brush is full of it on a daily basis!!!), that is some reminder.

Hope all your christmas planning is going well, whether you are foing to be home or away.

Al

Still here.

2010-12-06T23:01:00.000-08:00

A short note to say:

I am still here.
Technology has failed me terribly in the last few weeks hence my silence. Everything crashed from my cell phone to my lap top to my internet connection. Which seemed like a message from the universe to withdraw and rest my soul.
I have 3 days left at work and am scrambling to finish all the last minute things to do.
The christmas tree is up, the stockings are hung, the seaside vacation is booked, the mama is starting to buy the gifts (cos Santa is busy this year and asked for my help)!
This Mama is going to weep tears of joy when this school year is over. The last few weeks have been a haze of carols evenings, art exhibitions and prize givings.
And my sweet boy is seven as of the 1st December and sweet boy number two is turning 4 later this month, which all means lots more madness for the mama.
AND, the biggest news is that there is a new little baby W on the way, due first week of June, making me 14 weeks and already tired of being pregnant. But very, very, very happy!

Lots more news to follow!!

Al

Breathing space

2010-09-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a wonderful short September break. This is the second year that we have done this and it really has sustained us emotionally through the rough end of the year months. We did lots of nothingness. We braaied daily. We visited the cows daily. We went horse riding. We walked, rode bikes and flew kites. We sat around a lot. We made big fires in the fire place every night. We read books. We laughed. We cocooned. We refocused.

It was wonderful!
Al

Pause

2010-09-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to pause. Stop and refocus. I really need to ask myself how i am going to make it until December. This is such a rat race time of the year. And i feel it this week more then ever. I am still thrilled by Spring and holiday promises but i am in that space where suddenly the day to day grind of everyday life wears you down. I am tired.

The older i get i am more aware that life is mostly grind. You get up and do millions of little things that make life work. These things in isolation are not fantastic. They are most ordinary. But them together and you have something fantastic. Your life. So i am not complaining about the big package. My life is pretty good and certainly the best it has been but that does not mean that all the little pieces dont become too much to carry sometimes. They do.

I think that women feel this more then ever. I sometimes fantasy that i am my husband and that i dont ever think about whats for supper or what medication i must give the kids or whether one of the kids needs new shoes. I mean ever. I am not saying that my DH is not amazing, good father etc. But the reality is that his day to day existence is easier. The path is straighter. Less complex. Imagine going away for work and not worrying about a hundred things, working out menus, buying food and then still worrying that your husband wont know the little things, like how Seth likes his blanket tucked in. Or that he must kiss Gabby goodnight twice. Once before I put Seth down and again before i leave the room. You cant put that on a to do list.

So this morning i set my alarm with good intention. I was going to get up at 4:30am and go to gym. But then i had Seth in my bed at 11pm with a stuffy nose and Gabby joined me at 2:30am because his "tummy hurt". And so when the alarm went off. I turned it off and went back to sleep. I felt guilty this morning but then decided that there was always something that i could feel guilty about. So it was no use adding this to the mix.

I guess, what i am trying to say is that i am realising that part of my exhaustion is realising that right now i am running on empty and that i need to focus on me for a while. Of course this focusing will happen in the context of all the non avoidable, largely mothering chores that dont ever leave you.

Al

Kalahari delivery

2010-09-08T01:12:00.000-07:00

My books are on their way! Our Amazon is called Kalahari. And i love, love, love them. So my joy was great when i got an email saying that my books have been dispatched and should be waiting for me when i get home.

These are my beauties:

I cant wait to get home and indulge. And yes i added about ten items to my wish list yesterday just browsing. Time to hide the credit card from myself.

Al

Sorry i am not sorry.

2010-09-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

Firstly let me say that the title is not mine. I borrowed it from a blog that i stumble upon. It was a weigh loss blog and now i cant find it to credit it. So if the author ever stumbles onto this post. My apologies.

The post focused on the things that the blogger was not sorry about. It really made me think. What are you not sorry about? What are the things that you do and will continue to do even if it pisses everyone else off?

Well, here are some of the things that Sorry, i am not sorry for:

Sorry, I am not sorry that i am an anal mother. I know i hover. I know i overdo it sometimes. I like my kids to sleep in their own beds in their house. I struggle to trust baby sitters. I tell them i love them a zillion times a day. I struggle being apart from them. I stress about the long term impact of things that happen to them. I try a bit hard. I am psychotically, claw your eyes protective. And damn it, sorry but i am not sorry about it. Those are my kids.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont want to hang out with people i dont really like. When i was younger i had lots of friends. Or more specifically i had lots of people i knew. And i hung out with them excessively swinging from one social event to another. Visits and meals and movies and. And now i dont want to any more. I like my own company. I like silence. Alot. I dont want to waste my time on people who frankly i dont care about or like. I like my kids and my husband and my some of my family. And if i make an effort to hang out with you please know its because i really like you. Otherwise i just would not bother. Really i would not.

Sorry, i am not sorry that i dont care that i can come across super nerdy and old maidy when i do my crafts and read my thousands of books. Thing is this is not high school anymore, i am never going to wear a mini skirt, and party like its 1989. No. Never. I am never going to look like a supermodel and i feel okay with that. I want to do things that make me happy. And some of those things may appear old fashioned or boring. And thats fine. I dont want to go to a night club. But i like my chair and a movie. Throw in my cross stitch and a cappucino and i am happier then a pig in mud. So if you come to my house and see me in my comfy unsexy pjs - sorry i am not sorry.

Sorry i am not sorry that i want to do things that are right for me. For me and my family. I want to live in another country and thats it. I am an atheist and thats it. I dont want to explain why i want to do these things. I just want to and i believe it all goes black when i die so why not? I am not going to change my views or my plans to may you happy.

So thats it. That feels so good i might do it again some time. But right now, Sorry i do have to get back to work.

So tell me what are you not sorry for?

Al

Weekend madness

2010-09-06T01:19:00.000-07:00

What a weekend. It was great and it was exhausting. First off we went to my sister - in - law to be's kitchen tea. Her bridesmaids did a great job, with the theme of "Desperate housewife".

Here is a photo of the future Mr and Mrs. My brother is covered in paint which is supposed to be mud. He was the supposed to be the sexy gardener at the party. We all had a good laugh.

After that we raced off to a friend's marriage celebration. They got married a week ago in the Eastern Cape but then came up to Johannesburg to celebrate with family and friends here. They hosted a lovely dinner although my kids were taking strain after the full day. They were distracted by the great dane though which helped. Two days later Seth is still talking about the "huge" dog.

And finally although Sunday was restful it was also tiring. The kids swam for the first time. We braaied outside and i dragged myself to gym.

Now for a new week and a recommitment to my weigh less. My weigh in is on Wednesday and although i was pretty good with all the functions, lots of little treats snuck in.....

Here is a skinnier week....

Al

Spring day assembly

2010-09-03T00:45:00.000-07:00

It all started with this bunch of flowers that we quickly collected from our garden. Thankful for the early spring blooms.

Then we found mom's old beach hat and stapled and pinned all the flowers on. We added the SPRING lettering on after thanks to Mom's huge scrapbooking stash. Gabby and I agreed that it looked pretty nifty!

And finally the hat was placed upon his head and the whole family declared that he looked great. Despite my flu, i stopped into the spring assembly. The grade ones were allowed to wear their spring hats and walk up onto the stage individually. Gabby looked so at ease and did a wonderful turn on stage. The school played the "Teddy bear's picnic" song and we all clapped in time. The school hall looked wonderful, all decorated in flowers and butterflies.

Then i had to leave while he took his picnic blanket and lunch box for a picnic on the grounds. Lucky boy!

And tonight we are all off to the Spring Disco! I love this season. This flu is not even getting me down!

Al

And slowly we come alive.....

2010-09-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

Spring is here in the true sense of the word. If you doubt us, let Seth show you the new flowers on our Yesterday, today and Tomorrow. (It probably has a fancier name but that is what we call it.) He is also happy to show you one of our beautiful Jasmine bushes that are flowing dramatically over our front wall.

Our vegetable garden is also looking wonderful. We have lettuce, Cabbage, Broccoli, Cauliflower and Spinach in the garden. These are left over from Winter and we have just added loads of Basil plants, Strawberries, Tomatoes and parsley plants. Just to remind us that these flavours lie in our future.

Although we have been struck by the flu, the sun is helping us cope. We all feel more alive.

Some other news of what is happening in our lives:

Gabriel has his Spring day event at school tomorrow. We need to make his Spring hat tonight. They will wear them into assembly at school and have a spring picnic afterwards.
Seth is eagerly preparing for his school play next saturday. He is a plane. More then that i dont know. It is under wraps.
I have a kitchen tea this weekend and had much fun putting together a fun baking pack for my sister in law. A baking book, silicone pans, a cooling rack, measuring spoons and jug, spatula, apron and tea towel.
I am seeing an old friend on Saturday night who got married a week ago far away. She is stopping over for a few days and we will be seeing her and hubby for a meal. She is also expecting and i have completed a crochet blanket for her. I will force myself to take photos before it leaves my hands.

So despite the germs, we are well. Very well!
Al

Winters dying gasps

2010-08-26T03:04:00.000-07:00

This morning i woke up in a really good mood. I think that this was due to two things:

Seth has slept the whole night in his bed and i had no nocturnal visitors.
I could hear the birds outside and the room was light even though it was 5:30am.

Bliss. BLISS. Perhaps it is cruel to be so ecstatic around the ending of a session but i am so glad to see winter go. We celebrate the arrival of Spring on the 1st September, which i know is not technically the arrival of spring. But it is easier for me to just divide the year into four three month periods.

I feel so much more alive. More motivated to eat better, live better. Life is easier to celebrate in the summer sun. My garden is a show of new green leaves and dark red buds. The oak trees are covered in the newest, greenest of leaves. I am gardening, painting, cleaning, throwing away.

Exhale!

School day blues...

2010-08-25T01:27:00.000-07:00

On a summer day in 1994 i officially finished my school days. Sure i went on to study further but my days of real school were over. I was all of 17 and breathed a sighof relief. Life went on merrily (love, marriage, kids) until my oldest son, started school in 2010. I was excited. Yay! School days had become sepia coloured moments of joy, crystallised in my memory to a school annual addition of friends, concerts, favourite teachers etc.

I get all weepy as i kit my beloved out in his new green uniform. He looks a treat. I am even more nostaligic. This is wonderful. I cover books. I pack lunch with little notes in. This is fun. I am going to be all that my mother was not. Involved, active, encouraging. I sign up for things frantically. I join the PTA. I meet my son's teacher. Her name is Mrs Fischer. She seems nice. She is friendly and fun. After two weeks she accosts me at the PTA tea table and tells me that my wonderful bright son, who was always a star, cannot cope, has ADHD and needs medication. I almost drop my tea cup. I almost throw my tea cup at her.

I go into frantic mom mode. I drive to the educational book shop and purchase a huge amount of material. I practically home school the kid after hours. He gets everything (except my anxiety thankfully). He seem so be fine with the work. Okay I pay a huge amount to have him assessed by the occupational therapist. She says that he is 100%. No problems. Actually scores higher then average on most things. ABSOLUTELY does not require any medication. I approach Mrs Fischer with all my work. She looks at me as if she does not know what i am talking about. She has moved onto another kid she does not like and now likes my son. She says sweetly that he is doing so well in class and concentrates well. I want to kick her. I smile sweetly.

I realise that she is as crazy as hell. I collect his first report and she accosts me to tell me about her life which is falling apart. She is divorcing her husband. They have not had sex in four years. He screams at her son. She tells me all of this casually just because it says social worker as maternal occupation on Gabby's file. She says that she thinks that she has been bewitched. I smile and wave. I realise that she is a bit unstable and needs a lot of ass kissing. I am super friendly, agree to be the class mom. I donate copious amounts of food to the school feeding scheme that she is responible for. Forget integrity. It is officially time to schmooze and manipulate. Through it all my son likes her. I question him regularly, subtly. He likes his teacher he says.

The school concert comes up. She only selects four children from her class to take part. Other grade one teachers let their whole classes take part. Gabby is not one of the four. He cries when he gets home. I am so angry that she could not just let them all march on and sing "Twinkle, twinkle little star." I decide not to volunteer to help at the concert. I boycott.

The third term is nearly over and i cannot wait for December. I really want this school year to end. If Seth should go to this school, i will make sure that he does not land up in her class. I dont think that my son will ever know how much maneouvring i had to do to keep the wheels turning this year. A couple of other moms grabbed me at the school run the other morning and had a ventilation about her. They felt that we should complain. They all had their stories. Their kids upset in class. They had fought with her on many issues. Things that were said to their kids. I felt relieved that Gabby was spared most of this. He actually does seem to be liked by her. But she is still weird, freaky, crazy.

I am 13 weeks of school and counting....

Al

Celebrating G

2010-08-23T03:09:00.000-07:00

There is a little boy who lives in my house called Gabriel. I am his mom but after almost seven years i still struggle to get my head around the idea that i could have had anything to do with the making of someone so wonderful. He is growing up everyday and i am so proud, heartsore, happy. Today i am celebrating him just because he is himself. Because isnt that the truest of gifts to celebrate someone not because of their doing but because of their true spirits. The idea that you are enough just because you are you. And you Gabriel, are enough, so very enough just because you are you.

Right now i am celebrating the fact that:

I can finally spend time reading with you. You love the goosebumps range and we lay under the covers and read a whole book yesterday.
That you sit behind me on the couch and softly play with my hair, while telling me: "I am just taking the knots out mom.."
That you are wise beyond your years and although sometimes you can boss your younger brother around, it always comes from a place of love and concern.
That you tell me how you are going to live next door to me when you are married and visit me every day. I dont quite believe you but i love the fact that you say it non the less!
That you are growing into a little boy, going to school, making friends, learning to read, being wonderful.

Who knew all those years ago what a wonderful gift i was getting? You are the magic wind in the sails of my life.....

Al

Limbo

2010-08-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

I am in a weird space. In limboland so to speak. Its a weird stage of the year. I can feel spring on a cellular level. I can smell it in the air, i hear the birds in the morning and can feel myself waking up. But it is still winter here and the nights are still chilly. I cant pack away my jerseys or hang up my thick winter gown. I cant really get into the taste of salads.

The second half of the year is always a wonderfully busy time of the year for us: Hallowen, Gabriel and Seth's birthday and then christmas. We also always go away and have a wonderful summer beach holiday. So from October life is crazy in a wonderful crazy way. Right now the slog is still tangiable. Nothing immediate to look forward to. Everything is about work and getting through the daily steps of life.

Added to all this is my growing concern about Jason's father. He has been very ill and has been in and out of ICU for the past month. He has diabetes and it cannot seem to be controlled. We all thought that he was getting better and then he was admitted to hospital again this weekend, this time with very low blood pressure and cardiac pain. Jason and Gabriel will be flying down to spend the weekend with them but it is concerning. Having experienced so much death in my life i dont want my husband to feel this pain and how to deal with this in terms of my children. Especially Gabby who is older and aware of what is happening. This will be his first experience of grief and pain. I am aware that the death of a family member leaves ripples in a family that are never erased. Future memories are lost forever.

So this is a sigh sort of time. A getting by sort of time. A thinking and planning for future fun sort of time. I need to cope with the next three months and focus on the positives at the end of the tunnel. Especially my months leave and the festive season.

Wishing you a wonderful week ahead.
Al

Busy bees

2010-08-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

We have been busy, crazy busy. It has been a month that has simply taken my breath away and i often feel like Seth here! I just want to throw my hands up and ask: "What just happened.... and happened.... and happened?"

Spring is in the air and we are counting down to the 1st September. The weekends have been wonderful as we have been able to spend them outside with me delegating cooking to hubby on the fire. But Spring also has its downside (Yes, I KNOW, i have been bitching about winter forever but hear me out!). I love Spring wholeheartedly but it also requires me to deal with my crazy must clean up my life urge. There is a real energy in the air and i suddenly feel the need to spring clean the clutter hiding holes in my house and deal with my ever increasing bum size. In a few weeks those long jackets and skirts are just not going to cut it in terms of hiding the flab.. So i have joined weighless and reinvigorated my gyming.

Part of my madness was my "I am really supermom" madness that overtook me this month. It was Gabriel's school fete and his class got stuck with manning the food stall which involved Moi cooking 10kgs of mince curry and setting up stalls and serving said cooked food. I dont ever want to see mince curry again. But the kids had a great time and the school raised thousands of rands and at least i hope i scored some brownie points with his teacher. Why does it feel like you are back in grade one again trying to impress the teacher. All the time praying: Please dont dislike my child!

And how could you dislike this face? Says the biased mother:

The boys are busy growing which is quite disconcerting. This is a deceitfully placid photo. I am sure they were clobbering each other seconds after this was taken....

Jason's dad has not been well. He was in ICU for a week and is now back at home. So Jason and Gabriel are flying to East London to see him next week. I am looking forward to a weekend alone with Seth but feel anxious about Gabby even though he will be with his dad and his grandmother. I gave him the choice about going and he wanted to go although he told me very seriously: "I dont know if i will cope without you." Me too, baby, boy!

Finally to add to the madness i have builders at my house who are busy tiling and painting up. Thankfully they are almost done as the mess is unbelievable. Yes, it is part of my crazy spring cleaning madness.

Be wonderful...

Al

No rumour!

2010-07-28T05:26:00.000-07:00

It is getting warmer! Much warmer! I live in hope and dream of summer. Only as i get to the end of the season do i realise that i really dislike winter. So much!

This is really a short post but some snippets:

I am finally having the odd things that have bothered me forever about my house fixed, the bathroom painted, the entrance hall tiled and my new dishwasher fitted. I am in love!
I am off to a two day strategic planning session and hope to catch up on my cross stitch. It is really not proper that i feel such bliss at the prospect of a night away from my kids! :)
We are in the swing of planning our september break. We are looking at going away for a long weekend to Clarens, a small arty mountain town. I have been looking at some wonderful accomodation and at some of the hikes and nature reserves that they have near by. I really feel the need for a get away.
I volunteered to do a whole bunch of stuff for my son's school so besides the usual madness i am planning a food stall at their annual fete. This involves co-ordinating 100 parents which is easier said then done.

Best wishes to you all!
Al

Can you feel it?

2010-07-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

I get a bit crazy this time of the year. I have had enough of winter and start to long for summer. This results in some semi psychotic behaviour where i start to look for the end of winter everywhere. Is it getting warmer? Are there more birds in the garden? Now mostly this is just crazy wishful thinking and it is still really cold.

BUT, this weekend was not so! It was warmer, much warmer. I am not fooling myself that winter is really over, more likely a warm spell. I think that we will have another cracker of a cold spell before it is over....Despite this we made the best of it. Yesterday we had a braai and ate outside. The sun was shining and the kids were inspired to play outside on the grass. Oh, is it possible to miss summer with every ounce of your being? I could smell the hope in the air. I cant wait for green gardens and warm evenings, my kids in the pool every single day. Salads for supper, rolls and cold meats being perfectly acceptable hot summer night fare. Watermelons. Sleeping with not a blanket on you and the window open so that you can feel the breeze. Sigh!

Glad to announce that Seth has recovered from his illness and is doing much better. Now if i could stop the sibling rivalrly...... Anyone have a recipe? They love each other but boy can they fight! The teasing is a bit much sometimes. They are going to drive me to sugar which is really not on the menu right now as i try to gear myself up towards some pre spring weight loss. I have got pounds to shift, girls. Glad to say not much more then when winter started but still there none the less.....

I am sorry that the promise of our spring means the arrival of autumn for some of my far away visitors but none the less...... I cant wait.....

Al

Viva South Africa soccer world cup 2010

2010-07-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of weeks, South Africa and the world have been struck down with soccer fever. Here is South Africa we have been overwhelmed by it all. We have been hearing about the world cup for years, since it was awarded to us and have been exposed to numerous countdowns. At the same time people, both in South Africa and internationally expressed concerns about SA's ability to host the event. Today is the last match, a glorious final between Spain and Holland and we have thankfully proved them wrong.

Just take a look a the beautiful spaces - our stadiums - that we offered to the world! Crime was minimalised and visitors were able to come to South Africa and really enjoy african hospitality. For us, having the world here has been amazing. Last night hubby and i went out and found ourselves surrounded by foreigners. A table of Spainish people were sitting next to us and it was amazing.

I had never watched a full soccer match before the world cup and may never again but i loved the world cup experience. I felt a huge connection with all South Africans as we welcomed the world and mourned the exit of our national team. I know that this country has so many challenges but it was great just to put them on the back burner and have some fun for a while.... I loved the vuvuzela's - our south african soccer horn that drove the guests crazy but that they are taking home with them by the dozens. We really had an african world cup. Wonderful!

Despite all of that, i am glad that the world cup is coming to an end. We loved it all but it exhausted us all and I think its time to end it and memorialise it in memory. After all, we will always be able to say - we were there! Now lets hold thumbs for our olympic bid 2020!

And of course, we need to end it all with a great Spainish win! Ole, ole, ole, ole! Viva Espana!

Al

Misty eyed

2010-07-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

Once upon there was a first time mom. She has just had her first son and thought that the sun rose in his eyes. These are her first photos of him. He is not even 24 hours old yet.

His dad thought he was pretty amazing too....

We could not stop looking at him, counting his toes, listening to him breath. We could not believe that this little being was ours....

He was so beautiful.

Now he is turning 7 and we still think that he is just gorgeous. I am such a lucky, lucky lady.

Al

The hands of time

2010-07-02T03:44:00.000-07:00

When Jason and I were younger (early twenties) and students, and even to some degree when we were first married, we were rather poor. Broke was our natural state of affairs. But there was one area that we always scored big on - time. Even when we had no money, we had lots of time.

As we have got older, more established the situation has reversed itself. We are no longer broke all the time. We have good jobs. We save money. Blah-blah. And we have no time. For the first time in our lives we have money to have a couple of holiday breaks a year and have no leave to take them. What a turn of events.

On a day to day, minute to minute level, my life is governed by the clock. I wake up at 6am. Rush to the shower, get dressed (must be done by 6:20), wake kids, feed kids, feed myself, pack bags, dress kids and get out of the door by 7:15. I race through traffic and get to work for my usual crazy work day. Normally my day is consumed by meetings as a senior manager, some of which involve driving to one of my regional offices. I watch the clock, racing from one to the next. In between i am working frantically behind my laptop. Checking email, allocating work, delegating tasks, checking on delegated tasks not done. I hate my cell phone and the time that it takes away from me. There is always the voice waiting to tell me that i have "10 new voice messages!" AARGGHHH!

Then at 4 i race off again to start my second job. Racing home wondering what is for supper. Buying said supper. Picking up kids. Making supper, feeding kids, bathing kids. Of course i need to put in my quality time with hubby and kids. So invariably it is 8pm when i am actually able to STOP and breathe. And then i sit and think about all the things i was supposed to do. What a crazy life.

So time is my most valuable possession at this point. I cant make more of it. I guard it jealously. I dont like to share it with people that are not important to me. What i have i want to spend with my husband, my children, my friends and family that count. I meet people and think that they may be interesting to start a new friendship with but instantly think "I dont even spend enough time with the friends that i already have and that mean so very much to me!"

It is not all as hopeless as it sounds. Sure i wish that i was able to make more time but i cant. I am now so aware of what i can use each second for. I am simplifying my life. I dont get caught up in little dramas. I let things go because my energy is limited and i cant waste it on others.

I still find time for myself in terms of going to gym and doing my crafts. I am often amused when people say: "How do you still find time to craft?". I find time because being creative keeps me sane. You have to get off the wheel sometimes.

And finally i am learning that it is okay, healthy to have some space away from your children. I love 8pm when my children go to sleep and guard that rule diligently. I do think the routine does them good, but it also does me good. I need to know that there is a light at the end of a busy day and that soon they will be sleeping and i can relax. It pushes me to spend quality time with them from 6 to 8pm because i know that at 8pm they will be down and i can have my space.

But despite all of this, there are many days when i wish that i could make just a little bit more time. Or go back to my pre-motherhood 20 year old self and tell her to take more sunday afternoon naps and enjoy being alone.

Al

Winter blues

2010-07-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have been trying so hard to be positive this winter.
I am not winning.
The cold sucks.
I hate waking up and getting out of bed in the morning.
I hate waking the kids up in the morning.
I would only like winter if i were in bed.
Permanently.
Aint going to happen girl!
:(
I need summer.
I really need summer.
I am currently wearing more items of clothing then i can count on my fingers.
Which is not normal.
Really.
I dream of sunshine.
And green grass.
I even dream of getting up to go to gym before work in the morning.
Which is just sad really.
I only have two months left of this.
Which is a really long time, no matter how you look at it.
So if you are lucky enough to have any sunshine.
Please enjoy it for me.
In the meantime i will go and console myself by having more hot Milo.
Which is just making me fat.
Make that fatter.

Busy happy times

2010-06-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

I am tired but in a happy content way. I have literally been on the go since last thursday night. The soccer world cup is on in South Africa and my sister in law kindly got us tickets to go and watch a live match - Chile versus Spain. I am not normally a soccer fan but really got into the atmosphere. I even blew my vuvuzela frantically - a african horn that is used by soccer fans to show their support. I was left with sore lips the next day!
These two cuties are my niece and nephew. My brother and his family spent a couple of days with us. What a treat as they live 1000km away and we only see them once a year. It was amazing to be with both my siblings and to spend time with Nathans kids. Funny how you are all kids and then next thing you are grown ups with kids!

I wish so much that my sons lived closer to their cousins. They instantly clicked and had such a ball together. They are close together in age and just bonded. My house showed the instant chaotic impact of having four kids together but who cares? They had such fun. I cant wait to see them again at christmas. This is poor Erin with my son. It sucks being the only girl around!

Dont you love this laugh? Could you not just eat this child? I could! With honey on toast! I love this kid beyond reason!

And be still my heart! I am petrified at how quickly Gabriel is growing. He is my heart's delight and i just want him to be mine forever. At the same time i am loving experiencing his growth and his journey of discovery. What a great level headed kid.

So i had a crazy time. But a great time. You know what i mean?

Now, the challenge is to scrap it all! What a chore! (wink, wink!!)

Al

Happy fathers day, Jason!

2010-06-21T01:53:00.000-07:00

This is such a short, not doing justice, note to the sweet papa in my life.

Yesterday was fathers day and we really had an amazing dad to celebrate. One of my greatest blessings is my husband and more so in his role as father. Man, i love this man! And i love him most when i see him as a father to my sons. He loves being their dad and it shows. They love him and it shows. Moms and kids have their own sweet bonds but fathers and sons, they have something special. When my boys look at my husband, there are many times when i can actually hear what they are thinking: "Wow, thats my dad, i want to be just like him, Wow!" Can you hear that wow!

On the journey as parents there has not been anything that Jason has not been willing to do. Sure i do most things more then him but that just comes with the territory and i am kind of okay with that. He has changed nappies, made bottles, done night feeds, bathed kids, put kids to sleep, rocked and burped babies, played games, done every school concert and more. He is quietly there. Allowing me to bustle along, letting me know that he thinks i am great as a mom when i feel totally inadequate. He is patient when i am losing it. Firm when i am too soft. He wrestles with them, teaches them karate and tells them to stand up for themselves. But he also hugs and kisses them and tells them that he loves them everyday, just so that they know that real men feel and cry. He is protective, nurturing and kind.

Happy fathers day Jason, our boys could never have asked for a better father! You are so so loved and if you ever feel that you are not good enough just take a moment to look at those blue eyes peering up at you in adoration! You are making out more then okay!

Love
Al

Looking back

2010-06-01T03:22:00.000-07:00

Part of the joy that i get out of scrapbooking is that it allows me to reflect back on those that have come before me. This becomes more and more important to me, especially as both my parents are deceased. I feel more of a responsibility to capture my roots for my children, knowing that they will never have the opportunity to hear about their roots from their grandparents.

When my mother died i inherited a large number of photos from her. I never thought of my mom as sentimental, but looking at all the pictures she collected i realised that she was. She keep hundreds of photos (although they were crammed into a dresser drawer in the dining room!) I have started the long ardous process of working through them. Most of them are old, small and damaged and i have been sorting them to have them scanned in and printed. These are my first round:

I love these photos of my parents. They are in their early 20's here and not even married. My dad is on his way to the army for his basic service.

This is my father at my grandmother's house. Am I the only one who loves to look at the background of old photos and see what i can see? I love these old shots of my gran's kitchen!

And finally these are from a big family christmas party that was held at my grandparents house. This must have been in the 60's. I feel sad when i see the huge family that are gathered there. Most are deceased or have gone their seperate ways as families sometimes do.

I cant wait to scrap them...... I will share as soon as i am done!

snippets

2010-05-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

I am alive. I am sure it might have felt like i have dropped off the earth but i am here. Just crazy busy living life. And just in case you dont believe me i am attaching some photographic evidence of all this life that has been happening in the W household!

So please find the autumn fun at the botanical gardens

The soccer star getting ready for the world cup...

The new bikes.

And just the general mucking around!

Sorry to be so scarce but busy life is made for living and that is what i seem to be doing more and more of!

Belated mother's day wishes

2010-05-10T05:11:00.000-07:00

Happy belated mother's day to all and sundry. I could not wish anyone online yesterday as in a moment of sheer non brilliance i forgot my power cable for my laptop at the office.

This photo is of my own mother, taken long before she became a mother. She died in 2000 when i was 23 years old. My biggest regret is that i did not have the opportunity to know her as mother,when i was a mother, if that makes sense. I think that it took becoming a mother myself to truely understand how she felt about us as children. I also became aware that despite her failings she was a wonderful mother on some level. She certainly loved us unconditionally and despite her substance abuse problem we always had an enourmous sense of that love. Now, ten years later my siblings and i are confident, relatively successful, largely happy people and she had a large part to play in that. She was widowed in 1989 when we were only 12, 10 and 6 years old. And the point is that she got us to adulthood, in tact. I know now the sense of responsibility that she must have felt faced with that task. I look at the overwhelming task of raising my sons and know her fear, her anxiety.

The thing is it has taken me ten years of healing to know that there is more of my mother in me then i first chose to acknowledge. And i am happy with that discovery. I think that although she was never able to see me as a mother or meet my children as a grandmother she came me the values, the basis that makes me into the parent i am today. I have finally got the point where i can acknowldege that she failed on a lot of the small things but succeeded on most of the big things. She had our back. She defended us. We knew we were loved. She protected us. That stuff counts.

So mom: I wish you a happy mothers day. I thank you in only the way that another mother could. I now understand the soul sweat, the heart blood, the life energy that a mother gives to their children.

I had a wonderful weekend and mothers day. My hubby gifted me a beautiful antique pewter brooch and my sons gave me flowers and bath goodies. I was most touched by Gabriel using his money to buy me something small from the school. I really have good, good kids. We spent the day at the Johannesburg botanical gardens and had a wonderful picnic, played soccer, ate ice cream and watched the ducks. Soul food indeed.

I also ended this weekend with the great sense of completion when you get things done:

I managed to finish my cross stitch item. It looks so fantastic! It is worth all the pain and i cannot wait to frame and hang it.
I put in my winter veggie garden - cabbage, lettuce, cauliflower, broccoli, green peppers, chillies, spinach and swiss chard. Seth loved it!
I baked delicious banana bread with the kids on saturday. Gabby was lucky that he got the last piece for lunch this morning!
I cleaned out some irritating clutter spots and was mortified at just how many books my kids actually have when they are all in space!

Wishing you a wonderful week...
Al

The eskimo pledge

2010-05-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

First off I want to take my public eskimo pledge which says: "Although i hate winter with a passion, cant get out of bed in the morning, hate grey skies and gazillion items of clothing, sick kids and miserable hubbies, i hereby solemnly pledge not to be a total pain in the butt and bitch and complain in every single blog post for the next three months."

Okay. Thats out there. When i look back over my posts last winter i am generally miserable. Now granted last year i was really not in a good space but still. I NEED to be more positive then that! And i do believe very strongly that we have the ability to shape our life experiences with our thoughts and outlook. So this winter i will focus on the positive of the season and seek out ways to create and experience joy in the moment. Even if it just the happiness of hot chocolate and my huge fuzzy gown.

I have finally emerge victorious over the resident evil germs and although i had to keep Seth home for two days with a budding cold this seems to have cleared up. This may be as a result of the flu shot that i gave him last month? I am not sure but i am grateful regardless.

Otherwise all is well with the W's:

I am looking forward to a quiet mother's day with my family.
I am looking forward to seeing my cousin this weekend.
I must finish my cross stitch this weekend so that i can start on my brother's wedding sampler. REALLY now!! I need to get this item done and framed and behind me!
On a lighter note i am going to restrain myself from going crazy with my 3 year old, who has developed the new super power of whining! He finally talks and now he does so in the most miserable voice if anything, and i mean anything is wrong! And he also says "Leave me alone" and "Dont look at me!" a lot. Wow! the golden years!!!

Wishing you all a peaceful run up to the weekend.

Al

Operation stop kids from growing up

2010-04-30T03:17:00.000-07:00

Mom W is getting uncomfortable. She has noticed a rather negative side effect of feeding her children. They seem to be growing up. Growing rapidly actually. Does not sit well.

What i am too do? I dont want to think that my whole life is about wiping bums and noses, cutting the crusts off peanut butter sandwiches and getting up nightly when my three year old yells "Mom!!" at 3am BUT i am also not sure that i am ready to let all of this go. You see my kids are great. They are naughty, they scarcely listen and dont eat their veggies but on the whole they rock. They give great kisses and hugs and say cute things. They make me laugh every day and think that i am a lot better then i am. They think that i am wonderful and invincible and the reality is that i only feel that way because they believe, actually know that i am.

Sure i want high school, dates, the first car, university, intellectual conversations, sharing great meals in real restuarants, weddings, grandchildren. I want all those things but i just dont want to face that this precious time may soon be over.

We are thinking of having another kid. Note to all this is a long thought out decision and not one made by a madly delusional mother having a "oh my god my kids are growing up" moment at 10pm. We have been thinking about it for a while now. I will keep you posted on what we decide.

But yes, i am not really sure what my rant is about except to say that sometimes my identity as a mother of small children is so enmeshed into me that i struggle to think that one day this identity wont be mine anymore. If you want to think even more about this depressing matter check out one of my favourite blogs Apron thrift girl who inspired me with her wonderful blog post. (and had me reaching desperately for tissues and chocolate). Note to anyone: Do not read if you are even a bit broody. You are likely to toss all contraception in the bin!

Al

My treasures

2010-04-26T00:21:00.000-07:00

I got this idea of one of my favourite blogger's sites, Amanda at Morning glory cottage. I loved her post on things that she treasures. So here goes

Firstly, i treasure my relationship with my husband. We met when i was 19, the year after i finished school. Of course i thought that i knew it all. Of course i still do! We have been together now for 14 years. And we really get each other. Our relationship has evolved as most do but we are in a really good space right now. We are at the point where we trust each, are able to accept each other and remain committed to both each and our family. He is an amazing father. I am often moved to tears of gratitude when i see the absolute devotion that he has for his sons and the way in which they just flourish and blossom around him. He is strong emotionally, affectionate and kind. For all the dirty nappies he has changed, the babies he has rocked to sleep, the bottles he has made and given, the games that he has played, the books that he has read, the kisses and hugs that he has given his sons, i am truely grateful. Through him i became a mother, able to find true contentment, find peace for myself.

And then there was three.....

In December 2003, 6 years ago my first son, Gabriel was born. All these years later just the sight of him can still take my breath away. Perfect child, you healed me, allowed me to believe in goodness, gave me hope for the future. I was able to heal the pain of my own relationship with my mother, through you. Being a first time mother was hard, so hard at times. But one of the things that i am most proud of is the unshakable bond that we have. At times when you drive me crazy with your normal first child bossiness, i have to stop myself from laughing, because you are so, so, so much like me! I can hear my own words coming from your mouth! You are beautiful inside and out. Kind, compassion, empathetic, you stand up for the little(r) people. Fiercely protective over your brother (you even seem intent on keeping him safe from himself!), secure, bright, loving. I am so proud of you. I love you unconditionally.

And then there was four.

Sweet baby Seth. If Gabriel made me a mother, you gave me a family. You are so self content, loving, sweet. Just this morning i found you in a total embrace with the cat, upon which you informed me seriously that he is your friend. I love everything about you from your blue, blue eyes to your soft blond hair. You dont need me as much as Gabby but you love me so much. I love the temper that flairs, the "i know what i want" attitude. I love the fact that you tell everyone that you are "mommy's boy". I love your gardening, quiet play. I came into myself when you were born and i had so much fun, freed from the anxiety of trying to do everything perfectly.

On this monday, please share what you treasure most?

Al

First blog anniversary

2010-04-19T02:53:00.000-07:00

I cant believe that tomorrow will be my first blog anniversary. I started my blog on the 20th April 2009 and have made 143 posts. I really started blogging just because i wanted to share a little bit more of my daily life with the world. I was inspired by the amazing blogs that i see and read every day on line. Since i discovered the world of blogs i have found that the world is a small place and that i can meet people who share my emotions, values and experiences even though they live in another country, thousands of miles away.

Reflecting on my own blog i think that it still needs to find its own space. I am still stuggling to figure out what i want to do with it and sometimes struggle to dedicate the time to it that i wish i could. But i love doing it and love checking on my other friends blogs. So thanks to everyone who has ever stopped her, read what i have written, taken time to comment on the boring details of my daily life. It means a great deal to me even if i have never met you.

Here's to another year in cyber space......

Love
Al

Scrapbooking joy

2010-04-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

One of my happiest moments is when i have a pile of new photos, new papers and an empty album. Which is where i find myself now, with a pile of wonderful holiday photos to scrap. And what a pleasure this scrapping has been! Think blue sky and seas, waves and sand, boys in red and blue swimming costumes, summer, fun.... Get the picture. I am sadly almost done with the actual holiday album although i took so many pics that they will spill over to the boys general albums. I do specific albums for holidays. Then i have three albums running at all times: One for each of the boys and then a general family album. Finally i have a christmas album that i keep my christmas pages in.

So today i want to share with you the following that i have finished:

See what i mean about the wonderful summer pics! Summer is really my season and i dont really get the winter joys. We dont get snow in JHB, only grey skies which does not make for really inspiring pictures. But as a dedicated scrapbooker, i will find a way to survive until Spring.... only 5 months to go! Sigh!

Al

books and diets

2010-04-12T02:41:00.000-07:00

These are the things on my little mind today. Its monday and i am back at work. I have survived my first meeting and am still feeling fine. Today i am also back on the big D - Diet! I ate a lot of junk while i was on leave. Including too much easter chocolate! so i forced myself to gym this morning and have been good the whole day. I actually feel pretty good about the process as this is the first year that i can remember where i have managed to keep my weight steady. That does not mean that i have lost what i need to lost but i have managed to keep it stable. I lost 11 kgs a year ago and am still there. I really believe that it is the gym that has helped me to do so. Even with this really bad two weeks i have put on 1.5kgs and know that by the end of the week i will be back to where i was. It is good to finally feel in control of my weight. Now i just need to work on bringing it down.

Books! Ah, my favourite subject! In the last month i have just found the most amazing books. I am really an addict and cannot help myself when i spot a second hand book shop. I have just finished reading this one:

And i have just started this one:

I really enjoyed the Shriver book and can recommend it to anyone. It is the story of a mother who tells the story of a school massacre, committed by her son. It is exceptionally well written. I am a huge Dawkins fan and was so excited when i wondering into my local bookshop and found that they had stocked his entire range. I bought this one and an "Ancestors tale".

Cant wait to get home and do some more reading. Was so excited because i got my kids to sleep at 7pm last night and got to read for two hours....

Al

Back to the grindstone

2010-04-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day off. Tomorrow the kids are all back at school and i am back at work. Its been a great two weeks and i feel good. I feel okay about tomorrow in a resigned kind of way. I know that i need to work. I need the stimulation. I need the money. I need the independence that the money brings. I need the respect that work brings. But of course, as i have mentioned before, this is often a difficult thing for me. An area where i feel torn. I know that i miss out on family time and the quietness of domestic life when i am at work. I also know that domestic life is not all that blissful if you do it full time. I know that the lovely quiteness of being home alone on leave is not the real life of a stay at home mom. I also know that i take strain if i stay at home with the kids for a long time. I know that this sounds terrible but it is true. I am a better mother if i am fuelled with just the right amount of longing and guilt. I get home after a long day and i am softer when i see my kids. They are the light at the end of a crazy office day and i am happy to sit on the steps while they bath and listen to them tell me about their day. We really are never happy.

But i have realised something in the last week or so. I am decidely unexciting really. I really like the simple life on the whole. I dont mind the occassional dinner out or show. I like to meet up with family and friends and gossip over coffee or drinks but in the main i like to be at home. I like to be with my family. I like to do my crafts, watch tv, read my books, potter around the place. These things make me happy even though they would have made me cringe when i was 21. In reality i always liked these things and my happiest memories of being in my mother's home are ones that involve these activities. But when you are an educated liberated woman these things are decidely old fashioned and not that cool. Now i am getting to old and tired to pretend that i dont like doing things that i actually do. I like to bake biscuits and feed them to my kids so that i wont eat them all. I like to put on my pj's at 5pm when i get home from work and watch tv and do my cross stitch. When i have a great book i cant wait to get into bed at 8pm when my kids are sleeping and read for two hours solid.

SO, with the perspective of the two weeks break i need to find time to embrace these things because they calm me and make me happy. They are my simple joys. I need to manage my work stress and remind myself that i work as a source of fulfillment and to ensure that i have financial stability which in turn gives me joy and allows me the opportunity to experience many things. I know that this is easier said then done and come tomorrow i will walk into my office and face emails, staff, drama, clients, political demands. But, i need to take a deep breath and remind myself crudely that "you have seen this shit before, girl...." I cant be shaken but just put my head down and work methodically.

See you tomorrow back in the office....
Al

E.E Cummings

2010-04-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

may my heart always be open to little... (19) by E. E. Cummings

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

I have always loved the poems of EE Cummings. They just speak to me. Just want to share these two that i stumbled onto online. They made me smile....

There is no place like home

2010-04-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

We are back home. What a wonderful holiday. But i was happy when finally we pulled into our street and we were home. Now i have piles of suitcases by my front door, bags of food to unpack, laundry to face. But that will still be there tomorrow. I was happy to make myself a cup of coffee and settle on my favourite chair and just be happy to be back in my space. Even the kids were happy to go off to the playroom and play with their toys that they missed.

We had a wonderful time. The weather turned out lovely and we spent every day on the beach. What bliss!

Al

My bags are packed and i am ready to go....

2010-04-03T10:59:00.000-07:00

Shew! Shew! Shew! Going away is never easy on moms! Today i have packed all the bags for the trip tomorrow morning. This included, but was not limited to:

Packing four suitcases with clothes for any eventuality.
Packing food for the first couple of days including the biscuits i had baked for the trip and all the staples such as coffee, tea, sugar, salt etc.
Packing toiletries for all of us.
Packing every medication, plaster etc that you can possibly think of ... just in case.
Packing costumes, beach mats, beach toys, sunscreen etc.
Freezing drinks, getting snacks and games together for the road.\
Getting out a new craft project for the trip.
Kindly harassing DH to do his bit such as sorting out the car and trailer, when i really wanted to scream: "Have you taken any notice of how much i have bloody done today? Now get off the couch and do your bloody bit!".

All of this was done amongst the clamour of overexcited kids who go crazy at the sight of suitcases.

THEN.....

I had to:

Hide the easter eggs in the garden for the easter egg hunt.
Supervise the easter egg hunt so that the little W got a chance to find some eggs.
Share out the easter eggs found.
Put out the easter egg bags.
Get out the easter eggs and toys for tomorrow morning while my kids were in the bath!

In between domestic life such as cooking supper did not stop. In my exhaustion i cooked a giant pot of mac and cheese and shovelled it into the W's mouths.

Now it is nearly bedtime. Everything is ready although i am still wandering around and sticking last minute items into the bags. I am tired but positive. I am looking forward to sinking my toes into the warm sand and watching the blue Indian ocean wash over my feet.

Al

The calling of the sea

2010-04-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

"Sea-Fever"

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

By John Masefield (1878-1967).

The skies are grey over Johannesburg still! But the sea is calling........

Family fun

2010-04-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

Firstly i wanted to share these cutie pies with you. These were taken last week at the theme park when we went out for the day. Arent the carousel horse photos lovely?

I spent a wonderful day with an old friend today, who i have not seen in over a year. And like any two old friends i picked her up and started jibber jabbering. We had coffee and muffins and spoke and spoke and spoke. No holds barred, just spilling the beans. Life, men, money, some gossip. It was wonderful. I realised how much i missed talking to her. But i also realised that as i get older i am aware that i have some wonderful women in my life who i dont speak to often but that mean a lot to me. Friends whose friendships dont rely upon constant contact. I hold them dear to my heart.

I am starting to hear the calling of the sea. The weather is awful here in Johannesburg. Gray skies and rain. But at this point i dont care. I will walk on the beach in the pouring rain. I just need to get to the shore. Ever have that feeling? I am looking forward to a quiet weekend, with family movies tomorrow and then the packing and planning before we leave on Easter Sunday for the coast.

I've got a feeling that this holiday is going to be great! (wink, wink!)

Al

Chillaxing

2010-03-31T03:28:00.000-07:00

I love that silly word. And it really describes where i am right now. My leave started on Monday and this is my third day off. It has been bliss to just stay at home and rest. I must admit that yesterday i had a bit of cabin fever as Jason's car had to go into the panelbeaters and i was stuck at home. But i was forced to rest and relax. I have been working on my cross stitch UFO, my huge angel sampler that i started 3 years ago. I am now attaching hundreds, and i mean hundreds of beads by hand! It looks beautifukl but is rather painful. I am forcing myself to finish it so that i can start my brother's wedding sampler for October.

Otherwise i am so looking forward to our week at the sea. We are leaving on Sunday and i have been stocking up with beach toys and some cool summer clothes. I am taking advantage of all the summer sales.

So right now i am just resting and it really is fantastic!

Al

Words of beauty

2010-03-30T10:20:00.001-07:00

BLESSING
On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.
And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.
May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

Autumn

2010-03-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe its my imagaination but i feel Autumn in the air. There is a natural sense that things are winding down around here which is slightly bizarre as we still have a hot beach holiday to look forward to. Easter is always Summer's last dying breath and after that you know that you have no more unexpected hot spells to look forward to.

Today was the last day at work. I am off for two weeks. I celebrated by taking the two sick boys to the doctor,miserable. I walked out with more medication then a drug cartel and two expensive books that i was suckered into buying by the kids at the local toy shop as a sympathy purchase. I tried to tell myself that books are not like real toys and actually are good purchases. I only felt slightly better.

Fortunately, kids are pretty tough and i know that tomorrow they will rally.

Good news is that I got Gabby's first school report and he did fine. He achieved satisfactory on all his tasks with an over achievement on his maths tasks. He only rated as an underperformance on his life skills, where he could not recite our cell numbers. I dont count that as a serious intellectual failing so i reckon he is going to be ok. Shew! Motherhood guilt relieved just a little bit......

Will keep you posted on the germ front!
Al

Happy birthday to me

2010-03-25T04:33:00.000-07:00

33 years ago at about 5am in the morning, little old me was born. Its been a long way since there and this year i officially mark my third way to a century. If you didnt know it i have every intention to live until 100! I have never really been one to be morbid about birthdays. I dont really think about getting old and the numbers dont stress me out much. I stress more about having an empty life then getting old. And empty my life is not right now!

The fact is that i like myself and consequently my life right now. I like who i am and like where i am going. That does not mean that i think that i am perfect. On the contrary i know that is not true at all. What counts is that i know that and am still really okay with me. I am less prickly, more level headed, more able to shrug my shoulders and say "shit happens" then i was ten years ago. I see less black and white in life and whole lot of gray which is really soothing actually. I think that i am learning to see what counts more. I have figured out what i cant live without (my hubby, my kids, my peace) and after that the rest just kind of falls into place.

Having the children has taught me that i have to stand still sometimes so that i can be the stable base that they push into the world from. Ten years ago this would have distressed me no end but now it gives me space to reflect and be calm and i am fine about it.

So this is a post (toast?) to a good year.... a new year.....

I think that 33 is going to fit me just fine!

Al

School holidays

2010-03-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

I just cant believe that we have survived the first school term. Holidays start on Friday. We survived it and it got a lot easier. I am in a routine now and can come with the home work demands and making lunches. Gabby is also doing better. He struggled with the adjustment of a new school, new friends and "real" school work. But just like his momma, he is a tough cookie! and is doing well.

I finally got around to scrapbooking the first day at school photos and was so smitten with my cute little school boy that i just had to share them. Isnt he just a handsome thing! I love him to bits!

So let the countdown commence......

Al

Autumn days

2010-03-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

Its here people. Autumn has finally hit the southern hemisphere and all our feathered friends are flying north. I am not a winter fan at all but i like the cool days of Autumn. They are a bit of a reprieve after the hot African summer - and trust me it is a real scorcher! So i feel ready for this season!

Today we woke to grey skies which was a bit miserable as we had promised the kids to take them to the local theme park - gold reef city. I dont mind the weather as long as it technically does not rain so we are holding thumbs otherwise we are going to have some miserable little bunnies here. It has been a long weekend here and i have had a good break. Lots of home time. Lots of scrapbooking. Gym, reading and even baking squuezed in. We also had a chance to visit my cousin in his new house, which is wonderful!

So happy spring day to all my northern friends and to the rest of us, hunker down folks Winter is on its way! To celebrate i got some wool out and grabbed a hook. The best part of winter is crochet! :)

Al

Ps: having a good giggle at Seth right now. He wanted me to fetch a toy for him out of the play room and when i told him to fetch it himself he told me that his leg was broken. This was accompanied by major limping. I laughed so much that i fetched it for him. Perhaps this was part of the plan!

Alive

2010-03-20T12:33:00.000-07:00

I promise i am still here but still exhausted.... so just a few lines.

Leave is booked and i cant wait to get to the beach.
We are all really okay. Work is mad. Parenthood is crazy but we are all okay.
I cant wait for the school holiday. Not only because i am going to be off but also because it will allow the whole family to take a breather. Which we really need right now.
I am watching "Julia and Julie" and loving it!
I made crunchies today and am trying to avoid the tray that is sitting in the kitchen at all cost. I think i will donate a pack to my cousin when i see him.

Speak soon.....

Unplanned absence

2010-03-02T03:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry if i have not been able to blog lately. I cant claim that anything exciting has been happening. No unexpected holiday, no lottery winnings. That said there certainly has been a lot happening here. Exhausting stuff. More then usual, which is saying a lot when your life is already a full time working mom of two boys under the age of 7! But it has.......

First some good news..

Gabriel speech has got so much better and i feel so relieved. I hate watching him struggle to communicate. He saw the speech therapist for a full assessment and i am meeting with her on Friday morning to go through the assessment report and plan for future sessions. I will make a decision once i have seen the report but i am happy for him to go for some sessions with her. I personally think that he has finally settled down in school. He has made friends and the routine is becoming more familiar to him. I think that he experienced difficult as he came from a Montessori preschool where he was able to guide and control his own learning pace and then needed to fit into a mainstream school. I was tempted to move him again but although i support the Montessori grounding i want him to be able to cope with all types of people, even if they are different and sometimes not too pleasant. I am so pleased that his natural resilience has come through and he is coping again. That being said, i have been doing a lot of work with him. I have been using some cognitive refocusing exercises to assist him to feel positive about school and i have cut some of the homework pressure. I have also taken leave so that we can have a great family holiday at the end of the month when the school closes. I think that he will need the escape. Throughout it all, i have only obtained more respect for this kid. He is level headed, hard working, focused and determined. He can deal with things that are unpleasant and has good interpersonal skills. It is so hard to see your child struggle but i feel that i was able to create the soft backdrop for a hard experience and that he was able to triumph. I feel that him overcoming this adjustment has been a huge investment into his emotional bank account.
The second piece of good news is that we are planning a family holiday to a place on the coast called Salt Rock. It is about 30km outside of Durban. The picture below is the view from the house that we will be renting for a week. Doesnt that look amazing. We know no-one in Durban and i am looking forward to sheer fun and family time. We do really well as a family when it is just the four of us and i always leave with wonderful bonding memories. I feel that this has been a hard three months and we need this break. I am very excited! I am taking a week off before hand to be with the kids and just have some home time.

Of course there is some bad ...
I caught my nanny stealing money out of my handbag yesterday which was highly distressing for me. I have suspected her before but never actually caught her. This was the first time she has acknowledged that she took money after i confronted her and returned the money. It was very difficult as she has been with me for about ten years and has been fundamental in helping me raise my children. I have no grandparents in town so have relied upon her for years to look after sick kids, help with holiday etc. She really is faultless with the children, kind and loving. My sons love her and call her granny. After a lot of introspection i have decided not to fire her. I think that she is valuable resource to my family regardless and i need to address and deal with the theft. I will meet with her on Thursday when i go into work late to go to the dentist and talk things through with her. I suspect that there is personal crisis in her life which has prompted this behaviour because she has a difficult personal life. Of course this is no excuse. I had a long talk with my brother who lived with me for many years and knows her well and he was of great help to me.

And on that note, my baby brother got engaged! I am so happy for him. Who knows what the outcome of any relationship with be but right now it is clear that he and my future sister in law are happy. They had a wonderful engagement party and are now planning a wedding. The date is set for the 17th October! I am so happy that both of my siblings are no happily settled. They deserve the happiness that a family brings. Now i just want some babies in the family that are not mine! I am throwing hints at both of them! Lets hope for a honeymoon baby! I pledge lots of baby stuff and babysitting! :)

So that has been my busy week! Just to end off.... when i was doing some reading around assisting Gabriel with the adjustment i came across the interesting concept of an emotional bank account which really resonanted with me. In essence the theory is that everyone (in this context your children) have an emotional bank account. Life stress and negative encounters are withdrawals from this account. Our role as parents and spouses is to constantly fill up the account and even further then that, to make investments into this account constantly. This builds up an emotional cushion or nest egg for your child so that when the hard times hit he can ride out the storm. I loved the idea! Now i am trying to actively use language or give positive messages that build up my sons accounts!

Have a wonderful week!
Al

Friday thoughts

2010-02-19T02:03:00.000-08:00

Its friday. Hear the huge sigh of relief. Last weekend was wonderful in that we had my mom in law up to spend the weekend with us BUT it was also really crazy. She is one of 7 children and they all live in JHB so we had to make a plan to see them all and squeeze in the valentines day disco for Gabriel on friday night, Jason's 10km run and a visit with her other grandchild. So i got to Monday exhausted and then Seth decided to get ill. He has only started to get better now. I am at the point where i would much rather be sick then have the kids sick. They are so miserable when they are ill. They wont eat. They wont sleep. I put them into bed with us and then i dont sleep. Moms, you know the drill.......

I have also had a difficult week emotionally in that i am worried about my older son's speech. When Seth was born Gabby was three and he developed a stutter. I took him to the speech therapist who told me that she thought it was as a result of the stress of the new baby. After a couple of months it went away and would just hover under the surface. When he was tired or had a rough day he would struggle over a couple of words. When he started school in January his stutter re-emerged big time. I know that starting school has been very stressful for him. It has started to get a bit better but i am really worried about it. It also upsets my husband no end because he has a stutter and has his own issue... I have booked him in to see the speech therapist for next week. But like all things related to my children my first response is almost always guilt. When something goes wrong with the kids i always feel like i should have seen it before hand, done something about it, sorted it out. Not altogether healthy but i really cant help it. Thankfully Seth is speaking more and more as that was a whole other source of guilt. In my daily work as a social worker I come across parents who just dont care about their children. They dont care whether they eat, sleep, attend school, are in danger etc. Besides the anger my most overwhelming feeling is total amazement that they can actually live the guilt involved. I have times that no matter what i do, i think that i should be doing more and what i am doing is just not good enough. Of course there are only 24 hours in a day so invariably it is me who gets squeezed out. My husband really is a good dad but he just does not get the guilt thing in the same way as i do. In a way my view really translates into unconditional love and devotion because if something is amiss with the kids i never ask "what is wrong with them? but rather "what is wrong with me?" Which i am sure brings a whole new bunch of hang ups. Why is parenthood so damn complicated.

Of course this is all made worse by being a working mom and being aware that no matter what you are doing right now something else also needs to be done. So while you are at work you wish you were at home and while you are at home you are thinking about work. Crazy.

This is not really a bitch session but just an attempt to make sense of my crazy space right now....

But the good news is that this weekend is quieter. We have the exciting family event on Sunday that i will tell you about next week. But the rest of the time is pure R and R. Which we all need. I sensed the tiredness in the W clan this week. I think it calls for complete vegetation to overcome it....

Thanks for listening!
Al

happy thoughts

2010-02-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

Like....

Children getting better and hubby getting home tonight.
Homemade cookies that are saying "eat me Al....".
Some time off this afternoon to go and pop into my favourite second hand book shop where i always find serious bargains and leave with a forest.
A day where i actually get to sit at my desk for two hours and slog. My emails are weighing me down and i need to clear out!
The excitement of a family occasion this weekend.... details to follow!

I ....

2010-02-15T01:50:00.000-08:00

am at home with a sick child.
tired after a good weekend with my mother in law. She spent three days with us and the boys loved her being around. Seth even let out a bloody curling howl when she had to go.
is having a bit of a maniac creative block, which is caused by having too many projects that she wants to start right now and thus feeling overwhelmed.
was proud of getting her butt to gym even in the midst of the crazy weekend.
but was still tempted to buy a custard slice today and take it home with her and eat it.
watched "overboard" with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel and loved it. Old movies rock.
is a bit stressed that hubby is going away for two days tomorrow leaving me with the abovementioned sick kid.
Feels like good school mom after helping to sell food at the valentines disco on Friday night for gabby and making home made flash cards to help him with his ABC's. The disco was a blast. It was still purely dancing with your friends and no yucky girls! How i see that changing.....

bright moments in the midst of mundane madness

2010-02-04T02:56:00.000-08:00

As a mother of two small children i find that most of my life is just about satisfying mundane madness. I wake early and crash late and fill the hours in between with hundreds of little tasks that are all necessary for life in the W family to run smoothly. Small children require constant care, then i work a full day (while constantly mentally tracking my kids day: Oh! Its 10am so Seth will be having snack right now at creche and Gabby will be on 1st break....) On the whole i love it. Domestic life is largely bliss for me, i need to admit. Of course that does not mean that it does not drive me crazy sometimes. Especially domestic work!

But this year, as a result of my conscious refocus to put my family first i have found myself seeking what i call my bright moments in this mundane life. When you have small children you have to be on the look out for your bright moments, because just like kids they are fast and fleeting. But when you spot them, grasp them and really savour them they can be mind blowing. In the last couple of days life has given me a couple of them and i have made sure to grasp them...

I love my kids right now. Okay, maybe that is not the right term as i always love my kids even when they have devil horns firmly on their heads. I am ENJOYING my boys right now. They are cute and fun and loving and fun. I am proud of them and think that they are shaping up to be pretty cool people. People that i would want to hang out with. I like it when we have quiet special moments. Last night Seth fell asleep early and i was reading to Gabby on my bed. Suddenly he turned to me and asked: "Would you swop me for any other kid?" I replied: "No, not even if he was made of Gold!". Which pleased him no end. He threw his arms around me in total joy and said: "Thats cool!". I love this kid! I love Seth perched on a stool staring at the toaster so that he can watch the toast pop up while shouting "Pop!Pop!". I love his spiderman obsession and the long conversations that he has with his toys.
I love my hubby right now. We are revived by the reconfirmed commitment to go to Australia together. I love that we still have a spark and that we are such good friends. I really count my marriage as one of my greatest life gifts. This man fills my soul!
Yesterday i heard that my best friend may also be coming to Australia. She is like a sister to me and i cant tell you how amazing news this is. They had applied to go to Canada but where declined and have now decided that Australia is the way to go. We have been friends for 16 years and we always said that we would outlive our husbands and keep each other company in our old age. This makes the whole process more bearable for me. Our children call each other cousins and they really are like family to me.
I am feeling so good about work right now. I am back where i fit and the work is exciting for me again after my 8 months absence. I really am a social worker by heart and nature and even though i enjoy management that is really where my passion lies. I would much rather be in operations then in the boardroom.
And finally, this weekend i have a wonderful date planned with my gorgeous hubby for his birthday. We have dinner and the theater followed by drinks. I am looking forward to having some quality time with him. Thanks to my great cousin for baby sitting.

So at the risk of sound smug and painful, life is really good right now. Mind over matter.... If you dont mind, it doesnt matter!

Al

Moving on up...

2010-02-01T04:04:00.000-08:00

Well, what a couple of days.

18 months ago we decided as a family to relocate to Australia. For a number of reasons but chiefly that we wanted an adventure, wanted our children to have a more sophisticated childhood and wanted them to have a more global experience of life. We also believed that this move would offer us a better quality of life in the long run. We went at it all guns and did a lot of work. We paid an agent R15 000. We collected all the documents (which let me tell you with South African Department of Home Affairs is no little feat!!). We did our international english tests. We got Jason's qualifications assessed. In December his assessment came back positive. The Australian government would in essence take him and we then needed to lodge our forms.

However a little strange thing happened to me about the same time. I started having some serious doubts about the move. Not because i dont believe in the reasons why we are doing this or think that we shouldnt but just because i am a terrible, terrible creature of habit. I am a real home body and struggle with change. Also our life here is very, very good and what if our gamble does not pay off. When i raised this with hubby it caused some conflict between us. He is a true free spirit and is relishing the adventure. He is already planning his surfing and camping trips with the boys. I am sure he can already see himself sea canoeing on the pacific! So i found myself a week ago having an arguement with him about it. It started off civilly with him giving his views, i giving mine and got progressively more heated. Until he, in frustration stopped and said to me: "Do you not understand... You are the only person that i need with me. If i have you and the kids with me, i will be fine anywhere. We can make this wonderful!". And i knew in that moment that he was right and just stopped fighting.

The thing is that i want an adventure. I am turning 33 and dont know if i can say this is okay for the rest of my life. I know that we can start over. I know that on a work level. I know that we will leave with a good financial nest egg. I know that i can find a new house, car,ship over my special things and make a home there. So i said: "Okay, submit the forms.'. So they go in next week and then we wait. We may have the visa in 6 months. But we dont plan to move immediately. (More on that later....).

I love my family and am so sentimental but i also know that my marriage is very powerful. I have followed my husband to another town before and it worked out fabulously for me. We have always made a good team, hard working, unshakeably loyal, kick ass. We have a special connection that keeps us ticking along amazingly in a quiet way and he is the only person in the whole world that i would do this with.

So watch this space. The forms are going in and then.....

Right now i am going to concentrate on dreaming of the Pacific waves outside my door and golden Australian beaches.... which is a grea thought on this horrid grey Johannesburg day...

Cruising along

2010-01-25T01:06:00.000-08:00

Today is a fine day. Well as fine as mondays get. I have no crisis, no new chaos beyond the usual chaos of my life. And that is largely good chaos. I am struck by the fact that this is a good year in the making. And a lot of that has to do with my new view towards life. This year i am not taxing myself, i am going to make time to focus on what is important and make no excuses for doing what makes me happy.

We had a good restful weekend after a busy week of school activities. I was able to finish my scrapbook album of our summer holiday. I have managed to complete full albums for the last four holidays we took as a family and i love that I have managed to capture the essence and fun of these family experiences. I was able to sort and declutter a bit more and also spent some quality time with the boys. This included baking some banana bread yesterday (my gran's recipe and my boys favourite) so i felt like super mom this morning when i could put banana bread into the lunch box! Of course the thought of having a huge chunk with my coffee this afternoon also helps the mood!

Otherwise today i got the good news that my mother in law will come up to spend a weekend with us in February so i am pleased that the boys will get to see their gran. We live far away and it is always great when we can squeeze in a visit.

I am still stuck by the horror of Haiti and as i read of yet another man miraciously pulled from the rubble i cannot comprehend the horror of it all. My thoughts, my heart is with those who lost their children. As parents that remains our greatest fear.

But happy thoughts! Here in my little corner of Africa it is summer and happy days are still with us. The W's are just fine and no drama looms! Hurray!

No! Listen to me and stop teasing your brother!!!

2010-01-23T03:14:00.000-08:00

I love being a mom! It is my favourite role and my sons are without a doubt my absolute favourite things. BUT, they can drive me crazy. And i am not talking having a bad hour mad, i am talking cross eyed, screaming banshee crazy! I have had one of those days! Maybe its because it is gray and rainy and they have not had their outside time but my two boys are driving me cuckoo. Of course, i try not to lose it and scream at them. So i do a lot of muttering under my breath in teh kitchen while washing (banging!) dishes or throwing (read packing away) groceries. Which is where my beloved hubby found me this morning. He had gone to gym and when he left all was calm in the house. I decided to make a good healthy cooked breakfast. AND to show how good i was i was going to involve both kids in this lovely memory making moment! Do you see the problem. So it took me 20 minutes to fry two eggs, slap them onto toast and pour tomato sauce on them. By this time my kids had poked each other, fought over the eggs, one had slammed his fingers in the fridge door and the little one was having a melt down because he could not fry the eggs (read boiling oil in a hot pan - not a good idea with a three year old)

I still kept my cool. After they ate, it was time to get dressed. They fought in the passage. They both cried beccause they could not get into the shower with me. (I was not going to indulge them. At this point i needed the out time). I had to open the shower curtain and yell because they were fighting in the play room. By the time i got out, i was losing it. I walking in to find them fighting AGAIN!. Okay, i told myself, okay, just breathe. I got dressed. Got them both dressed. Stopped them fighting over the same toy again!! At this point i had my freaky stepford mom smile on. The one that means that i am just about to go postal, BIG TIME!

Still trying to sound chipper, i dragged both kids off to the lounge to put their shoes on. Warfare! I then gathered my keys and bag. The plan was to take them to the shops. Get them some new scenery. Burn off some energy. As i was leaving, i heard a blood curdling howl and walked into yet another sibling fight. I am not proud to say that i lost it. I had a temper tantrum which even made my three year old stop in his tracks. I screamed and stamped my feet and flounced off to the kitchen. (Yes, i know that they are 3 and 6 and i am 33, but.....) Thankfully, Jason arrived back from his Yoga class, rested and calm and seeing the wild look in my eyes volunteered to take Gabriel off to watch a movie. Of course Seth turned into an angelic cherub the moment that he was alone with me. I then spent the rest of the morning feeling terrible that i had lost it with them. This is not the right response from the social worker, montessori mom! AARGGGHHH!

So yes! Thats my tale of woe! I love the devils and they can be so sweet! When they are sweet, they are very, very sweet but when they are naughty they are horrid. The teasing and the sibling rivalry really sets me off! Please moms tell me that when they are teenagers it will be better?

Just to help me survived the rest of this rainy day, i have full intentions of rotting their brains and dumping them in front of the tv. I have written off the new books i bought yesterday for them and stopped at the video store for a new movie. Anything for peace!

Yours in sanity!
Al

Treading water

2010-01-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those weeks when you feel like a duck treading water? You seem to be doing a lot of movement, frantically swimming and yet you seem to be getting nowhere. It was one of those weeks where dometic life was crazy. Thankfully work was managable.

I am so grateful that tomorrow is friday and i have a weekend ahead of me. I really need some time where i can focus and do something visualy achievable. I have some crafting in mind. Actually my bum on my chair with some sewing and mindless rot on tv sounds great.

So this is just a short and sweet post to say:

i am alive.
i have made 5 lunches, found lost school shoes, gone to two parent teachers meetings, sorted out all the extra murals, cooked, covered books, fed, bathed and done numerous other domestic tasks.
And did i mention...... I am alive!

Some borrowed inspiration

2010-01-18T01:37:00.000-08:00

I got this as an email from someone and it really summed up my world view right now. It was so good that i had to share it and it was just what i needed on this gray, first monday back at work kind of day where inspiration is limited........

This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quintile
at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was
awarded an Honorary PhD.

"I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.

Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out
of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There
will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will
be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living.

But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.
Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk or
your life on a bus or in a car or at the computer. Not just the life of
your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but
also your soul. People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's
so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is
cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or
lonely, or when you've received your test results and they're not so
good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried
never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no
longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen.
I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and
them to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today,
because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone and
I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre, at my job if
those other things were not true.

You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you
are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today:

Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the
bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very
much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon or found a
lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on
a breeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a
red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with
concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first
finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the
phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which you are
generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you
have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its
goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have
spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big
brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good
too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes.
It is so easy to take for granted the colour of our kids' eyes, the way
the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.

It is so easy to exist instead of to live.

I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the
destination.

I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only
guarantee you get.

I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of
it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried to
do that, in part, by telling
others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of
the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with
the sun on your face.

Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if
you do, you will live it with joy

Really powerful stuff.....

Sunday night gratitudes

2010-01-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

I love Sunday nights although they always leave me with a strange anxiety. It is the calmest time of my weekend but I also know that the next day with bring usual madness again. Perhaps i can hang onto this calmness just a little longer if i reflect on my gratitudes for this weekend:

I am grateful that i was able to take off these four days to assist my children to starting school. I am grateful that i was able to be with them for this period and make this transition easier for them.
I am grateful that both boys have adjusted so very well to their new schooling arrangements. I am grateful that Gabby likes his new teacher. (I suspect that he may actually be a little bit smitten!) He told me today that she is funny and nice and also instructed me to cover his books today PLEASE so that he wont upset her in any way.
I am grateful that i was able to do such a large chunk of scrapbooking and ensure that i captured the glorious memories that we made over christmas.
I am grateful that i survived the crazy financial period of two birthdays, christmas and our holiday without any debt.
I am grateful that i still feel so grounded.
I am grateful that i was able to declutter so much this weekend. I put built in shelves in my study and in the play room and the space that they offer is amazing! I have been able to sort out all my books and DVD's and pack them neatly. It has made such a difference to our space.
I am grateful that i could let me hair down last night, have cocktails with friends and not just be "Mom" for a while. I am grateful that i am at a point in my life where i can do things like that and not be consumed by guilt like i was when Gabby was little. I now know that carving out my space and caring for me makes me a better mom. Anyway the boys still wake me up at 7am, hangover or not as punishment! As long as they are safely at home in their beds with their dad, things are okay!

So i am back at work this week and now it is for the long haul! The next break that i will have will be Easter where we hope to take off a couple of days and drive to the coast.

Wishing you a good week!
Al

School days and....

2010-01-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

Today is our thrid day of big school. The first day was emotional to say the least. But i am happy to announce that there were no tears shed at all. Not by mom! Not by Gabby! Not by Dad! We survived. First off, Gabby hated the uniform. He does not like the long grey socks and tucking his shirt in is the pits. But he loves his teacher, a very kind young lady called Mrs Fischer. He likes his little desk and he likes his desk mate, a little boy called Jaden. Mom has had a busy couple of days doing all sorts of odds and ends like covering books, labelling stationary, sorting out after care, making payments, buying art shirts etc. I am just so glad that i was able to take three days off to be with him at this time. It was great to be able to be outside the class room for the first three days and fetch him. The first day we went out for a special lunch afterwards and he got to tell me about his whole day step by step, before we collected Seth.

Seth actually had a rougher first day. He just could not understand why Gabby was not coming to school with him. It was only after Jason took him with to drop Gabby off that he now understands that Gabby has a new school and that his school is HIS school now. Otherwise the teachers are impressed with his speech development over the festive season. Which makes me much relieved. He has always been a slow talker so i spent the whole christmas holidays pointing at everything and saying its name, as well as having long gibberish conversations (which was actually kind of fun!!!).

I just need to get used to the homework! Is it just South Africa that has kids doing such a lot of homework? If the load is lighter in the US, i think i may be up to immigration, considering that i have 15 plus years of school ahead of me! Nothing like Gabby announcing last night at 7:15pm (bedtime is 7:30pm!!) that he has to make an animal out of circles, to cause panic! I also need to get used to making lunch boxes.

Otherwise the last three days have been good from a rest perspective. I have managed to squeeze in a lot of scrapbooking. I completed my christmas photos and am now onto my East London holiday album. I am half way through and hope to finish by the weekend. I have sorted all the pics, got out paper and am now on a roll. I also am cruising with my cross stitch. Please lord, might the end be in sight? I did a chunk yesterday while finally watching Twilight the movie. I know that i am behind the entire universe but it did not really appear to be my kind of thing. AND after watching it i can safely say that it is not. Sure the Wolf boy was nice eye candy (although i felt like a criminal! Is that boy even 21???) but after that the emo vampire thing did nothing for me. I love horror movies but like the mean cool vampires! The kind that have attitude! Give me Blade any day!

Today i have another quiet day although my brother is coming over to visit. I hope to take the kids to Gold reef city, which is our local theme park this weekend and then i have a braai (BBQ) with some friends on Saturday night.

Finally a special thanks to my friend Amanda for picking me as a winner for her online give away! *Hugs* Wish we lived closer so that we could meet for tea or coffee!

Here's wishing you a great weekend.

My spot

2010-01-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

Do you have a favourite chair or spot in the house? I do. The kids know what i am referring to when i say "its by moms chair...". It is a very comfortable wingback with a pouffe in front of it for putting my feet up. It has a good floor light next to it so that i can see to sew and crochet and has a side table next to it for my sewing, coffee, tea etc. I am sharing this because this is exactly where i am right now. Actually where i usually am when i blog. I love days like today because i have a real sense that the world is going madly but i am off it. I am on leave for the next four days but unlike the christmas weeks when the world was quiet, the shops empty, the roads empty, i can hear the hustle and bustle outside. But key to my contentment is that this madness does not encompass me today.

I have some chores to do today. I need to go to gym with the kids and do some shopping afterwards. But then i am home and need to finalised all the arrangments for Gabriels school tomorrow. We had a busy weekend. Seth slipped on a chair and a large splinter inserted itself under his toe nail and broke off. It went right into the bed of his nail and was very painful. So it was another trip off to the emergency ward. This is the third one that we have done as both boys have had to have stitches before. This was pretty minor in that the doctor just pulled it out and he was immediately better. He even smiled for us after he got given a sucker. But i hate such things and was so glad that Jason was here and could go with me. Last time Seth slipped on the steps and had to have stitches i was alone and that was terrible.

I have a difficult task ahead of me today in that i need to make a awkward call. In the last year i have had to family divorces, both of which stem from the fact that the wife is having an affair. I find these so hard to manage as i am really old fashioned with regards to this. I absolutely believe in commitment and fidelity. I cannot understand the need to act upon the desire for another person. I know that there is always temptation but the point is that when you are married you need to walk away. I have tried very hard to stay out of the latest divorce which is still ongoing. However last night i got a call from the wife, who is having the affair and initiating the divorce, asking me if i am avoiding her or angry with her about her behaviour. I missed the call as i was putting the kids to sleep so only got the voice message and need to return the call this morning. Truth is that i dont know what to say. I actually supported the divorce as they were so unhappy together but that was when i thought it was just a clean break. When i heard about the other person it made it more difficult for me. Divorce brings in so many issues of loyalty, even within the larger family. You dont want to take sides but it is very, very hard. Truth be told i dont know what to say....

But right now i think that i will stay comfortably in my spot in my pj's and deal with this later. Today is the last day with my kids for a while and i am not going to allow it to be blurred!

Snippets

2010-01-10T03:05:00.000-08:00

Relaxing at home after a great gym work out.

Amazement that the boys are actually playing so peacefully together. Gabriel has built a ramp for the toy cars off my dining room table and has co-opted Seth to hold bits of it up in the air. Slavery but hey he is just so excited to be allowed to hang out with his big brother.
Bought two lunch boxes for G for next week and busy looking for cool kids lunch box ideas. I always got stuck with uncool lunches and dont want to pass on the legacy.
Making huge stitching progress.
Excited that she has finally got a carpenter to put up another wall of book shelves and shelves in the play room. Built in storage is the only way to go. Finally i will have a place to put the hundreds of the books that are consuming my home.
Blissful about my one day work week next week.
Dreaming about all the scrapping that i am going to do next week.
Feeling just right, at peace, content.
Still have a wonderful empty Sunday afternoon. What shall i do with this wonderful time bounty? As little as possible.

School days

2010-01-09T03:06:00.000-08:00

It has been a good first week and here i am on a saturday afternoon. It is noon but there is absolute peace. Seth is having an early nap. One of those where i feel no pressure to wake him from his snooze so can really relax. Jason is off running and Gabby is draped over my bed watching a movie. I have gone shopping, have supper planned and have an entire afternoon spread before me where i can do as much or as little as i like. Better still tomorrow lies equally calm before me. I am only working on Monday and then i am off for the rest of the week to help my baby bird G for his first three days of school.

I cant believe he is starting school. I know that we all say that but i really cant believe it. Six years ago, give or take a month, a nurse was handing me this red, crinkled little being, while i sat in my hospital bed, still overcome by the pain of my first labour (come on, those classes just dont prepare you for what first time labour really is like!). Next thing i am home with this scrap, clueless. We chug along, tears and laughter ensuing and suprise he is one. He is crawling, he is standing and TA-DA he is walking. He is talking and turning two. He is potty trained and turning three! His brother arrives and he is no longer THE baby. He starts doing things at creche that i didnt teach him. He is four and has friends and is more and more independent. He is five and is now a little boy. He is playing the piano and building lego. He counts and recognises the alphabet and writes his name. He loves comics, swimming and his dad. He is still soft and sweet and kind. He turns six. He is starting school.

Part of being a mother is letting go. We nurture these spirits but want them to fly, soar and know instinctively that they cant do it on our laps or tied to us. We have these moments of exhaustion when we cant face rocking another child to sleep and think: "Please be more independent!" But then a funny thing happens, they give us what we think we want and it scares the hell out of us.

So here i am. I have spent a hideous amount on the uniform. I have coughed up for the school shoes and got my brother to rub them with oil to "break them in" so there are no blisters. I have the latest Ben 10 school bag. I have all the stationary on the endless list. I have the lunch boxes and even the clever lunch ideas planned. I have leave and all the arrangements are made. Fees, after care, sports, music classes. Check! Am i ready? No not at all. I am terrified.

Most of my fears are standard: Bullying, making friends, fitting in, me coping with the new schedule, will his teacher be nice? But larger then that i just worry that time is just moving so quickly, simply running away from me. I have to face that i am no longer a new mom. That soon Seth will be at school. That even if we do have another baby, she or he will also be gone in a blink.

The consolation is that i am not alone. I am sure all over the country moms are feeling just what i am going through now.

Nothing left to do but kleenex it out, girls!

Al

Christmas 2009

2010-01-06T00:52:00.000-08:00

Sadly, christmas is behind us. I always feel slight relief when i survive another festive season and am able to pack up the decorations and scrap the pages and dust off the year. However, i also feel a bit out of sorts that real life has to go on. This was a busy but satisfactory christmas. It involved a 1000km exodus across the country to go "home" to my childhood town and a stay with my in laws. Here is a summary of the madness:

The kids survived the trip there and back really well. This time we were better prepared and invested in a trailer for the car (so that the car was empty and more comfortable) and portable DVD players for the kids to watch in the back seat.
We stayed at my in laws place which was great. I love to see the children with their grandparents and always leave the holidays wishing that they lived closer so that this relationship could develop further. They have moved into a smaller townhouse after my father in laws retirement, which made things a bit more cramped but we managed well. Fortunately i am the kind of mom who doesn't mind sleeping three in a bed with the kids so we coped with the one room.
I loved, loved, loved seeing my brothers two children. My nephew particularly is at a fantastic age where he is willing to go with us to the beach and the movies and understands that we are family. He is such a sweet child.
We had a busy holiday where we did something every day. Part of me rebels against such madness and i feel that with the craziness of our lives it is important to have some vegging space but the reality is that when you are in a small house two small kids go crazy without space and activity, especially boys. Also i like to make the effort and expose the kids to new things as i feel that this adds to their memory bank. So we went to the beach almost every day. We took the kids to the movies. We visited the museum. We went on a game drive at Mpongo park. We went out for lunch. We visited my brother almost daily and saw my aunts and my cousins.
We had a lovely christmas day with my in laws at home. We always have quiet christmas times. I cant associate christmas with parties. For me it is about being at home and celebrating family. We did all the family rituals, putting out the stockings, leaving milk and cookies for santa and looking for santa in the sky.
My children got a hideous amount of gifts! I always feel a little bit ill at the rampant materialism displayed during the season. I know that i am part of the problem and also get caught up in the process. All this is made worse by the fact that my kids have two birthdays in December. I did however sort out two huge refuse bags of toys and give them away so i feel better.
We had some family conflict over christmas. I dont want to give it any more energy by unpacking it but suffice to say that sometimes even if you are family, this does not mean that you share the same world views or even like each other. Having two families with different parenting styles in one house is a challenge and when one of these families have a challenge with discipline, it spills over into your set up. But i try to think of it positively. After all life, and holidays specifically would be so bland without the fun of some good arguing!
I loved spending time with my boys and enjoying them. I am still baffled by the fact that Gabby is starting school for the first time in a couple of days. They really grow up so quickly, it is crazy.
I copied and printed 200 holiday pics and 100 photos of my husband as a baby and a child so scrapbooking rates high on my priorities right now. That said i have done only 4 pages so i will need to focus on churning out the pages!

As i said yesterday i feel rested, focused, reminded of what gives me joy. I had to really face my own limitations last year and realise that i cannot do everything and nor do i want to. I dont want to join the rat race although i acknowledge that i love to work. I believe that there is a balance that can be found and finding that balance is my real new years resolution for 2010.

Hello, hello

2010-01-05T04:49:00.000-08:00

First off i want to wish everyone a belated merry christmas and a happy new year. Secondly i want to apologise if i was a pain in the ass for the last bit of 2009. I have returned from my holiday and feel like a new person. Except that i feel better then that. More focused then that. I dont actually have the words to describe how good i feel. Something bad happened last year which turned out to be something amazing. Something sanity saving. Last year i acted in a crazy work position and i applied and didnt get the job. Queue disappointment and rejection anxiety. But then i went on holiday and had a chance to reflect how abnormal my life was last year and i realised that not getting that job was the best thing that ever, ever happened to me. I feel sane, joyous for the first time in months. I feel alive. I can lift my head for the first time in months. I am interested in things. I am seeing my family. I dont lose it with everyone. I am happy and i realise now that i was not happy for a long time. We dont need the money so it was just an ego issue. The thing is that you start working and everything is about getting better and better. Earning more and more. Getting promoted. But we dont have an internal switch that tells us enough already. I suppose that modern life is like that. Excess is everything and can you every really have enough.

So for 7 months i worked myself mad and quite frankly neglected my family to do so. But i got to waste some extra money and have a new bed, TV and car for hubby out of it. Can you see that i might have got a bit screwed here? It was crazy when i look at these meagre possessions and think of the hours that i put into those things and how they just werent worth it. They are nice. I like them. But they were not worth what i sacrificed for them. And the worst of all. We would have been in a position to buy them anyway with a bit of saving. But my ego got the better of me for a while and i felt rather important and liked to be the boss of a whole new bunch of people. What can i say but thank god the universe intervened. Otherwise i would be sitting here feeling ill, actually suicidal and dreading this year.

So today i am a grateful chick! I had a wonderful break that i will fill you in about. I have a great new year ahead of me. I am so, so, so determined to make it my year. To fill it with joy and those things that make me happy. I am going to kick my own backside and make this a year that reminds me of what i care about and put those things first.

Love to you and yours!
Al

Free as a bird

2009-12-14T05:44:00.000-08:00

I am on leave. Finally! I cannot even tell you how grateful i am. I need this leave desperately. Today is my first real day off with the kids at school and i still feel that maniac adrenalin feeling. It has not left my system yet but i know that it will take a couple of days before i quit thinking about work and all the crazy deadlines. I am almost done with my christmas shopping and am finishing all the plans for our holiday trip. We hope to drive on Saturday.

My last day at work was a bitter sweet one. I did not get the post that i applied for and was told on Friday. At first i was distressed but now i feel much better. I think that i really wanted the job but that i really needed not to get the job. To explain: The new job had lots of additional responsibilities and i have been struggling for the past 6 months to achieve some kind of work life balance with the family. I have been acting for this period. It is more money but we are really financially stable and dont need the money. I think that i was just driven to get the job for status or power and it was hard to feel rejected. But i really believe that i should not have this job right now, so on some weird level i am really relieved. I used to think that i could do it all but as life gets more and more crazy i get doubtful. I now know that i am no super women and something has to give. I try to focus on the kids and work but then i tend to let myself go emotionally and they also suffer as a result. So suffice to say that the universe has spoken and i am ok about the situation. I am looking forward to going back to my old office and picking up where i left off. It was a very positive environment where i had a lot of flexibility.

Now we are in full swing for holiday planning. We are all looking forward to ten days with the extended family by the sea. Granny will be around to help with the little W's and that will help me. I am wrapping gifts every night on the sly, have got two great books and my embroidery packed and plan to relax. I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be a great year for all of us.

Al

So close i can taste it.

2009-12-07T21:26:00.000-08:00

I have four days left at work. The thought sends me into raptures. This has been a crazy year. Although i seem to say that every year. But being a full time career girl, attempted domestic goddess and mother to two kids under the age of 6 has made for an exciting mix. If you didnt pick it up, the domestic goddess quip was done sarcastically! There just seems to be too much to do and too little time. Since i started gym a month or two ago, my day can start at 4:40am when i wake up and end at 10:00pm when i crash. And there is no down time in between. Its gym, come home, shower, dress, feed kids, dress kids, pack bags, off to work, work my ass off, race home, stop at shops, fetch kids, cook supper, feed family, bath kids, quality time with kids, read to kids, get kids to sleep, quality time with hubby / turn on computer and do frantic work , go to bed. Sounds fab, doesnt it?

So ja, let the summer holidays roll on. The temptation though is to over use every second of this time. In my life down time is just a luxury so when you get 3 weeks off, you are so tempted to clean out the cupboards, cook every day, bake with your kids, finish endless craft projects and lets not even talk about being the domestic goddess of christmas. Sometimes i think that working moms even suffer more from this pressure.

That is why i am relieved with the way that my leave has panned out. I have four days off by myself. (BY MYSELF??? can you even imagine 4 days all by yourself?) Then East London for a week and a half, back to work for a week and then 3 days off when Gabby starts school for the first time. Those three days will be half days for me, so i will still get mornings to myself.

But who am i kidding? I love the madness! I love the chaos! Life is short and i may as well milk every moment of it. It cant be that bad if i am considering throwing another kid in the mix! I keep telling myself that soon they will be sulky teenagers with no interest in me. They will all go out on Saturdays and i can sit on the couch, do my sewing and watching mind numbing tv shows. But until then i have another ten years or so to go! And until then i have a summr holiday breathing thankfully down my neck!

The end is near

2009-12-03T00:14:00.000-08:00

I have seven days until i go on leave. I will be off from the 11th December till the 5th of January. I am only being sustained by the thought of the sloth and leisure that i will enjoy during this time. But one step back..... Gabriel's 6th birthday went wonderfully. I woke him up for school with a chocolate cake and six candles. This was followed by gifts. Jason and i splurged and bought him a casio keyboard so that he can practice his piano playing at home. Then it was off to school with 60 cupcakes (Which mom had forgotten to buy and so had to pick up from the local woolworths after work at a hideous cost!) and another chocolate cake for the teachers.

I managed to leave work a bit early so that i could collect him and take him shopping for a gift from his gran. Then dad came home and we went out for supper. Now we are all in full swing for the birthday party next weekend on the 12th. I have distributed the invites and am in that terrible phase where i am waiting for hte patents to reply. I too am a terrible RSVP person so i cannot even complain. So far i have 7 kids confirmed which makes me feel a bit better, at least with that and the adults i can rustle up a party. Of course when people take their time to reply i have to fight the terrible urge to send out more invites, which will only be a disaster when they all reply on the last moment!!!

On a deeper note i am blown away by the fact that my son is 6 and that my baby will be 3 in a couple of weeks.I am blown away by how much i love, no adore my children. I am blown away by how much i like them as people. They still take my breath away. You really do discover a whole new level of love once you become a parent. Gabriel is such a well behaved, kind intelligent child. Sometimes i need to remind myself to tone done and not see him as an angel but he truely is. Sure he has his moments of cheekiness, sibling rivalry etc, but i know that if he continues the way he is, he is going to be a great man. A man that i will be so proud to say that i raised. And this in no way means that i dont feel the same about Seth. That kid knocks my socks off me and i am just loving him and his weird three year old ways right now!

Today is international day for the disabled and i am in the community for a celebratory event. I am tired and tired! I had a squabble with my hubby this morning about me working late last night, which is not what i needed so that has made me more tired.

But i am seven days.... and counting......

Little boy blue

2009-11-29T22:13:00.000-08:00

My oldest blessing turns 6 tomorrow. I can scarecely believe it. My babies are growing up so quickly that it scares me. I love the adventure but wish they would just hold their horses a bit. My sweetest Gabriel, i cant believe that six years have passed since i waited so anxiously for your arrival. I had no idea what a wonderful adventure lay ahead of me. I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams how much i would love you, how much you would fulfill me. Wow, baby! You knock me out with your green eyes, soft hugs and old soul!

Cool as ice cream

2009-11-28T03:09:00.000-08:00

As in me and not the weather, which in insanely hot and lovely. We are cooking here people! Basking under the African sun.

Some useless snippets about my life right now:

I had a great time with my cousins last night, especially my hilarious chat with Loo last night about the funnier side of dating and men....
I love the keyboard that i was able to buy Gabriel for his birthday. I know that it is so extravagant but i am grateful that i can give him the opportunity to experience new things.
The fact that my cell phone is fixed is wonderful. Hurray for Justin!
We are planning to put up the xmas tree this week. Should it be today or tomorrow?
The weather is so wonderful..... I think we will braai tonight just so that we can be outside together.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend....

I am dreaming of a sunny christmas

2009-11-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

But thanks to my eurocentric upbringing, we still think in terms of Santa and snow. Even if South African christmas is more about getting bloody hot, lying by the pool under the african sun and eating ice cream. But never fear! That does not stop me from thinking that Santa, or Father Christmas, as we call him here rocks and we still try to be good the whole year round to get onto his list! And i think i have been very good this year, indeed!

Also i love traditional christmas decor! So in light of my bad week, my exhaustion, i am choosing to : "Honour christmas and keep it in my heart the whole year round". I am dreaming of my festive season that is so close that i can taste it. I am thinking of the fun of putting up my tree this weekend, baking this weekend, buying G's birthday present, his birthday next week. The party the week afterwards. The road trip to the coast. No more energy vampires allowed here!!!

Roll on christmas!

Bearing witness

2009-11-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day after so much neglect? This is what happens when you get stuck in meetings till very late. Now its one thing being stuck in meetings but it is worse just sitting outside a boardroom waiting to be called to go into a meeting and present. Which is where I am right now.

Tonight family is in my thoughts. I heard today that two of my family members are getting divorced. Its a couple that i know well, that i am close to and my heart is very sore for them. This is just a lose - lose situation, as all divorces are. In most there appears to be an obvious villain, the initiator, but in reality, that is not the case. Both persons are distraught, battered, mourning the loss of a dream. As i said to another family member who recently ended her marriage, a divorce is like a death.

We all stood on our wedding day and believed that we were starting a new life, with someone that we loved. We had a vision of the future, a dream of what this relationship would mean for us. Two point five kids, a white picket fence, holding hands in the twilight of our lives. Suddenly, all this is gone and we are left mourning. The death of a dream can be just as bad as the loss of a life. How do you pick up and move on. Of course for one party it is worse. The party that doesn’t want it to end. Bearing witness to such pain, especially when it is someone that you love is so very hard. You try and say all the right things. You are not alone. We are here for you. But even as you say these things you recognise their emptiness. They don’t really assist the wounded. For me the real task for us at this point is to just be there and support. And not to allow your own anger and confusion to spill over. You are there to bear witness and not testimony.

So these people are in my thoughts. I hope that this pain will help them to find what they seek. Happiness. Joy. Meaning. I think that most people are good at heart and deserve to love and be loved. As I type this I know that someone I care about is very hurt tonight. And that hurts. But it is not my pain and I can only send them kind thoughts. And hope that although this cannot be fixed, they can still be healed.

There is only one important thing to remember about life. It goes on. Always.

Love doesnt have to hurt.....

2009-11-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

Actually love should never hurt. Especially not the kind of pain that fists can inflict. I have been a social worker for 11 years now. More to the point i have been a social worker who deals with victims of sexual and domestic violence, in a country that has one of the highest rates of violence against women and children in the world. Its a fact. Women and children are not safe in South Africa. So who are these perpetrators? Who are these masked boogie men? They are our fathers, husbands, lovers. They are our brothers and sons. They are also the ones who inflict the most terrible pain and destruction. They break spirits and destroy souls. If you, like me, are lucky enough to be in a functional relationship with a caring man, be grateful. Be so grateful that you are able to experience what a good man is like. A man who never lifts his fist to you or beats your children. Because there are good men out there. They exist. They are the fathers who show their sons that you dont need to beat a woman to make her love you or that men can cry. They are the men who dont look away when they witness a child being hurt by another man. They are the men that restore my faith in the male gender.

I have two sons and every day i am aware that i, with their father, am responsible for shaping the way that that they view gender relationships. What i do today shapes their relationships of tomorrow. And i know that this is not only about the words i speak. It is about the road that i chose to walk, as the most influential woman in their lives. Well, as least at this point. I need to show them that i am strong, that i am able to carve out my space, that i can support myself, that i am not dependent upon their father. I need to show them that women can work for a living, have a career, change the world. I need to show them that women can be powerful, but still have the space to be vulnerable. I need to show them that i stay with their father because i love him and want to be in this space and not because i cannot leave. I need to show them that fidelity and monogamy is none negotiable. That marriage is about commitment. This is a tall order. One that i am trying to deal with step by step, every day.

So today, wherever you are spare a thought for that woman or child who feels like a trapped animal. The one that cried themselves to sleep last night. The one that feel that there is no hope. The one whose spirit and soul is as battered as their face. And heed the call. Act, dont look away. The future depends upon the actions of the good, as much as the actions of the bad.

Malibongwe!

Dragon lady

2009-11-23T08:10:00.000-08:00

Yup, thats me. I like to think that i am pretty sane most of the time, get along with people most of the time, even like people most of the time. But every now and then, i get the distinct impression that actually most people are oxgyen thieves. Morons. Idiots. Belong to a secret club on how to be a dumbass. The one that i didnt quite get into to. Thankfully.

Today was one of those days. Thankfully it was work idiots so at least at 4pm, i could frantically drive away from the asylum and the madness did not follow me home. Actually i feel much better about my family when i see how normal we all are.. I dont think some people could have pissed me off more today if they tried!

The thing to remember at moments like this is that you are perfectly sane and the rest of the bloody world has a problem, then find some friends who think like you and get together and commiserate bitterly how messed up everyone is. I was able to get together with two great girls this afternoon and have coffee and BITCH! Which made it all feel much better!

So i think that i may just make it!

Gratitudes

2009-11-22T10:56:00.000-08:00

Every now and then life cuts you a break. This weekend was one of those unexpected breaks. I was able to rest and replenish my spirit. So as one of my close friends I am going to let you in on a little secret….. I think that I may just make it for three more weeks until I go on leave!
Right now, I am grateful for:

The kids not getting seriously ill this weekend. They were both borderline on Saturday with running noses and a slight fever but seem to have overcome the germs.
The sun that came out and gave me hope on Sunday.
That i managed to do some baking with the kids on Saturday. We made biscuits. Gabby got to drive the electric beater and Seth cut them out. We had a ball, they tasted great and we all ate so many of them we felt ill.
I got my butt to gym this morning and felt good for it.
I dug up my huge cross stitch UFO. I have been working on this one and off for 3 year and it is all my fault for breaking my cardinal rule of working on another sampler in between (Seth's birth sampler.) Its the miribilia pattern that is featured above. It is very detailed and really a task. I just want to finish it so that i can start something else. At least i am still in love with it after all these years! I am determined to finish it and have it framed for my entrance hall.
A good weekend were i was able to rest with the family, with no serious commitments.
The christmas ornaments that i am slowly sneaking out. Next weekend is full d-day for decorating! I am such an addict.

So I expect the usual drama tomorrow at work but right now all is well with the W's!

Cookies and cream

2009-11-21T03:40:00.000-08:00

I love christmas. I love baking. I love cookies. So in my mind Christmas = baking = cookies. Which we actually call biscuits here in South Africs. Being just one step from British, with our colonial roots etc!

So, although i have about 15 books on baking and three just on biscuits alone, i was forced to go onto Kalahari (South African Amazon) and order myself these two books. And because i was forced to buy these two books (which are eagerly awaited. Ten days seem so long.), i was forced to buy a stunning range of metal biscuit cutters, in cute shapes like bells, reindeers, stars, planes, trains and cars. I have a set of 100 cutters, but they are plastic and i dont like working with them. I find that they struggle to cut through the dough. Part of the problem is that i know that i should put the dough in the fridge so that its easier to work with, but once i start, I hate to stop and am just plain impatient.

So i am rubbing my hands in glee and hoping that the little book making fairies over in America, make my books, pack them up and post them over to Africa as soon as possible! Until then i will just look at the covers and drool.

Friday night....

2009-11-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

Its friday night. Its raining outside. Its been raining for three days. Non stop. I am so glad it friday! Have i mentioned that I am so glad its friday. I dragged myself away from my pity party (see previous post). The thing with pity parties is that you are normally the only one there and somehow you can only commiserate with yourself on how hard your life is for so long. You soon get distracted. So i got over the cutting of my leave. I got over what an ass my boss is. I even got over the crap weather. I slogged through the week, surviving by bunking a few hours for coffee with a friend, getting an afternoon off, singing loudly to dance music in the car and going to gym to run on the treadmill and pretend that i was stomping on my boss's face. Healthy!

So i am feeling better. I have three weeks before i go on leave. I will be off for three weeks and then back for 5 days and then off for three more days. I also feel better because i have managed to slog through some of the horrible domestic chores that have been hanging over my head. I sorted out the tax and made the deadline by the skin of my teeth. I got my son's stationary for next year. I got the car serviced. I bought all the stuff for the boys birthday party. And i feel lighter, with some responsibility off my shoulders.

Now i have a friday night where we got pizza, i am already in my gown and slippers and the DVD has been rented and waiting for the kids to sleep. (We are still in the stage where if you dont want to watch disney cartoons, you need to wait for the kids to sleep.) Tomorrow, i want to start to make a dent on some of the Christmas shopping and then we have a family kids birthday party in the afternoon. Sunday lies open and unplanned for, although we are intending to do the family gym thing and then go and have breakfast.

I am also beyond excited about christmas. Which is really strange. I have a terrible christmas addiction, even through i am atheist. I just love the decor and the cookies. We always put up the tree and decor on the 1st December but i have already snuck out some stuff. I will try not to blind my family with all the tinsel on the 1st! I also ordered two christmas cookie recipe books off the internet. So i need to get the cousins and friends together for a christmas baking session. Um sugar and cake..... I am sure i can twist the girls arms!

Wishing you a restful weekend. Remember if you are feeling tired at this time of the year, you are not alone! It is always mad before the peace of the holidays. So just take care of yourself and ride out the crazy work stuff, the christmas parties, the holiday arrangements..... Soon you will be holiday, stuffing your face with all the chocs that santa is bringing you.....

Al

Tired

2009-11-15T10:39:00.000-08:00

We had a good weekend. A busy but good weekend. But the thing is that although i have got some great memories from this weekend, i have also been left exhausted and at this point i really cant afford to be exhausted. My mother in law spent the weekend with us, it was the boys concert and we had a family lunch at our place on Saturday. Firstly, the boys concert was spectacular. The theme was "the zoo" and Seth was a Koala bear and Gabby a crocodile. They were absolutely adorable. Gabriel did a piano solo and i was blown away. He has been doing piano for about a year now but i really had no idea how good he really was. He was so confident. So little sitting on that little stool in front of all of us but so calm and thorough. I was so, so proud of him and got so choked up. You always wonder whether you are totally hashing up motherhood, so when your child does something well, demonstrates a quality that you admire, it is such a wonderful reassurance. I have figured out that i really like my children's personality. I think that they are adults we are going to be friends. I think that they are going to be good people. Seth was beyond cute in his little ears. I tried to not let him see me until he was finished his moment on stage as i knew he would bolt. He saw me half way through. I managed to catch his eye and encourage him a bit, but as soon as the song ended, his lip started to quiver and soon he raced through the crowd and spent the rest of the concert on his parents lap.

A really sentimental moment for me was when Gabby got his school certificate completing his pre school days. I feel so emotional about him starting school next year. I am so excited for him but wish i could keep him little, safe, unaffected by life. I am just plain scared. Like all other moms whose little ones are starting school. But i know that this is just a little step on many that lead to his independance and i trust that he will cope.

It was wonderful seeing my mother in law this weekend and it is great that it is only a couple of weeks before we will be in East London with them for christmas. I love seeing their relationship with my sons and i wish so much that they lived closer. They are such a positive influence on my sons and it is wonderful to have someone to talk to who thinks that your kids are as amazing as you do.

Then bam, after Jason has taken his mom to the airport, i check my email and see a mail from my boss saying that the biggest cheese has decided that all managers should be back on the 5th January, because thats when he gets back and of course we live to serve. I was supposed to get back on the 17th so needlessly i am so pissed off. I need this leave. I need to refocus. I am exhausted and i dont really want to have to deal with someones dick head opinion of why i should cut my holiday and family time short, just because he may get lonely in his huge office. I sent a carefully worded email, splattered with phrases like gender sensitivity , family responsibilities etc. I dont think they are going to give a damn. So worse case scenerio, i will take off earlier if i have to start earlier. I will use my nanny to look after the kids for the 5 days and insist on taking off three days mid January when the schools start: the day before, the first day of school and the day afterwards. Even if i have to call in sick! I am super, bloody pissed off at my insensitive senior ass!

So the question is: How do i survive the next couple of weeks without killing someone: staff or boss? Tough one! I will let you know how it goes. To make it worse there are a multitude of crap domestic pressures that are mounting: tax forms that are due to the accountant by friday, birthday parties that need to be planned, curtains that i had made that need to be taken back and altered, stationary and uniforms for next year that need to be bought.

Its so tough being a working mom, especially when you know yourself and know that you would never ever survive at home. So you are doomed and just need to find your survival space.

*$%^&!

And tomorrow is Monday.

Yay.

My favourite things.....

2009-11-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

Why am i sitting here looking smug? Well i am altogether pleased with myself, that's why! I managed to get my bum out of my chair and go to gym. I know, i know, i could cause natural disasters. I feel good though. I started at a new gym and i was pleased to see that everyone was very normal looking. Nobody dressed to kill on the treadmill. No designer gym clothes etc.

I have a busy work day and little time to chat, but thought that i could leave you with some thoughts, complements of Mara Van trapp from the Sound of Music....

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Damn, i wish i was off dancing in the Alps!

New brooms sweep clean

2009-11-02T01:28:00.000-08:00

Hope that you are enjoying my new background. I decided that i was tired of my old autumn colours. Its Spring people and I felt like hot pink! (I am also wearing hot pink today......) For anyone else who feels like an update, check: outhttp://blo64rt.blogspot.com/ . They have some amazing free backgrounds.

I am trying to think positive thoughts right now, although it is beyond crazy in my life. Its funny how when you need things to get quieter, the world responds by amping it up a notch. Go figure! I have a job interview on Friday and have fleeing moments of anxiety whenever i think of it. I have been acting in the position for the last 5 months and think that i have done a pretty good job, which should in turn assist me in the interview. But one never knows? Interviews are just crap. The comfort is that i really feel confident about my work. I have been working with victims of crime and within the social crime prevention arena for the past 8 years and there is not much i dont know about the sector. So i just need to trust my ability to deal with any issue that may be thrown at me. Blah! Will let you know how it goes.

We had a good weekend. Halloween was a blast and the kids loved it. We got home from the zoo at about 8pm and got the kids off to bed. Mr W and I snuggled on the couch and watched "Interview with a vampire" and "The Shining". It was great fun. I got to sleep in late yesterday and then had the pleasure of shopping on my own for an hour or two at the mall. It is so amazing to be able to try on clothing without being harassed from all sides. I managed to get some stuff i really like, including a great long black dress for all the christmas parties coming up. I try to get at least one festive item a year to carry me through all the parties.

So now i am in the midst of counting the days: The number of days until the schools close, the number of days until the boys birthdays, the number of days before the big birthday party, the number of days before leave, the number of days before East London and the beach, the number of days before the end of the year.

What are you looking foward to right now?

Al

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T04:10:00.000-07:00

Its Halloween and wherever you are in the world i hope that you are having spooky, wonderfully wicked day! Even the weather seems to be in on the chaos and is misbehaving with grey skies. I am just hoping that the clouds hold until to night. We are off to the Johannesburg zoo with the cousins and aunts in tow to go trick or treating. Here in South africa, Halloween is only now taking off so people dont really give out sweets from their homes. However, we have centralised events and there is a big one at the zoo tonight. Basically you pay to get in, they give out sweets, have ghost houses and other spooky things and so on.

Seth is going as a pumpkin, Gabby as Death, Mama W as a skeleton and Daddy W as batman. I will upload pics asap so that you can all laugh at our craziness! Have a wonderful halloween!

Love, marriage and all that follows......

2009-10-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

Marriage is not easy. Making a marriage work is even harder. The reality is that you are not in love all the time. You love each other even though sometimes you cant stand each other. The more I think about it, the more I am of the opinion that if you are in a successful marriage, you are lucky. You are so very lucky. As I get older I realise that the impact of your family of origin on your being, your psyche is enormous. And the reality is that few people when they marry have the same world view. Sometimes Jason and I have such different views on simple domestic life that I feel frustrated. I feel like shouting: “What’s the matter with you? You cant really believe that, can you?”. Then I have to stop and remind myself that he is not me. That we are an “us”, but we are still him and me. When we first started our relationship, this caused me much distress. After all wasn’t the objective of a good marriage to become an “us”? That’s what happened in the movies, right? After all, wasn’t wanting a separate personality after marriage a little bit selfish.

Here we are almost thirteen years down the line and I have different expectations from my marriage. I now know that we will always be separate entities. That we cant live in each others skin. That I cant climb in his head, dream his dreams, live his life for him. Does that make me sad? No it doesn’t. I am fine. We are still an “us”, a couple, a partnership. We are still a family. And you know what I like being me. And I like the fact that he is separate from me. I like the fact that there are little parts of him that I will never know or understand. I don’t really want to be in a relationship with myself. I am Ok. He’s Ok. We are OK.
Some of this was a road that we walked together. Some of this realisation was about my own growth. We are both more comfortable in our skin, with ourselves. We like ourselves. We like each other. We like being married. We have weathered the storms. We know that we are here to stay.

We trust each other. We now know that good marriages are about hard work. Does this mean I don’t believe in love. No it does not. I just believe that a marriage is even more complex then just love. Love will get you there. Hard work will keep you there. And we both believe that we have to keep going. This may be strange for a liberal, atheist, feminist but I believe in marrying for life. I really want to be married for life. I hold my marriage vows sacred. They are a commitment that I made. They are my word. I wrote my own vows. I chose the words I spoke, the promises I made. They were mine and I will keep them. They were mine to give and I gave them. I am not talking about staying in an abusive relationship, a relationship that includes pain. I am talking about not walking out because something more exciting comes alone. Because, you are going through a bad patch.

I want my sons to see the reality of marriage. I want them to understand that marriage is for life but needs a whole lot of work. I want them to see us work at it. I want them to see us apologise to each other.

Lastly, I want to dance the funky chicken on my 50th wedding anniversary. Is that too much to ask?

What just happened?

2009-10-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

I do believe that i have been visited by some mean energy sucking aliens, intent on removing all the joy from my life! They cannot be allowed to win! Must beat them! Must get head of pillow to beat them! Too hard!

Ja, the W's are tired. The Mama W is exhausted. The Daddy W is grumpy. We need a holiday. We have almost 6 weeks to go before our long christmas by the sea holiday. We must survive. We must not kill each other. Mama W must keep smile on face when dealing with baby W's. Mama W must be sensitive and not kill assorted stupid people who piss her off when she is tired. Mama W must not take Daddy W's grumpiness personally. We are all adults here people....

Experience has taught me that you must find some comfort at times like this. Joy is pushing it. I am trying to focus on all the cool things that are happening despite my crazy life. These include:

The visit from Granny W that is happening in November.
The school concert that is coming up. The big little W is playing the piano and we are all so proud. We are the largest family group there (8 adults and one littly) so we will cheer appropriately.
Halloween: I got the kids costumes yesterday. Gabby is going as Death. Seth is going as a pumpkin. He is so cute that even Daddy W was oohing and aahing and made me take photos! I just wanted to bake him into a pie and eat him - completely figuratively of course!!! (Tired, not insane people!)
The fact that i am seeing an old friend for coffee and soetkoekies today. Bought a whole box from Woolies and will inhale them.

So thanks for listening to my bitch session. I am afraid that there is more to come. Until of course Christmas arrives. On the 1st Dec, i put up that tree and then i go into a crazy, festive flurry! I just love the season.

Al

Party time!

2009-10-18T23:07:00.000-07:00

I have just realised that it is about 6 weeks to the annual super-duper kick ass Wainwright birthday party. For those, who are not in the know, let me fill you... This is the kids party of the year - well for us at least. I normally start going noticeably grey a couple of weeks in advance, which is about now. As the boys are both born in December, we do one big bash in the middle of the month. I dont think that i can keep this up forever, but at the moment it works pretty well.

Last year we did pirates and this year i am medieval knight dreaming! I am thinking swords, castles, ladies and kings. I am thinking dragon pinatas. I am thinking a royal court. I am plotting and scheming and these pics are giving me some inspiration.

All very helpful on this miserable working monday.....

Al

Long time, no hear

2009-10-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

This has been the longest period that i have gone without posting. I guess that this is just a reflection of where i am right now. Busy, rushed, tired, wishing desperately that it was holiday time. I think that i have done pretty well this year, as i still have my entire leave allocation due to me, but i am starting to take strain now and am beginning to long physically for christmas holidays and the accompanying full month off. I am planning to go off the week of the 14th and only return about the 10th Jan. This time will also include two weeks at the coast, where i can literally get away from it all.

This sense of tiredness seems to have crept into everything. I am tired at work and seem to be losing it more with the kids at home. All of this is made worse by the fact that i am saddled with housework as my helper is not at work for a week, having experienced a loss in her family. Man, i hate mopping floors, washing dishes and clothes. Do you have any idea how much clothes a family of four can generate? It is crazy. It has been raining. Seth was ill with tonsillitis and had to stay home for two days. So yes, its my party and i will cry if i want to. I have finished my Magaliesberg album. But right now, I have not started anything else. I feel like i just want to vegetate on the couch and growl at everyone as they go past.

Of course, there is no solution for this situation but to bite the bullet and ride out the next 8 weeks or so. At least my children's social life will distract me. I am the sad stage of my life where my kids have better social lives then i do. We had a birthday party this week, a play date the next, Halloween the next, yet another birthday party and then the school concert. Five weekends already accounted for. CRAZY! It has also struck me that i have only 6 weeks till the birthday party madness starts so that also requires some attention... take a number and join the queue!

Of course i am going to survive, but why are these big girl panties so damn uncomfortable?

Love
Al